Hilarious Product Instructions Thread

In My Humble Opinion
1

Today I went to the student organization fair and picked up a hilarious brochure about a female condom called “Reality.” Honest-to-goodness product name. The instructions and information in the brochure, when read aloud, sound like the kind of thing a stoned philosophy student would say. Every quote in this post is from the same six-times-folded, printed on both sides brochure. It’s just that good. Check out some of these actual sentences:

“Read this before using Reality.”

“Use Reality every time you have sex.” No fantasizing about other people, then?

“Do not use Reality and a male condom at the same time.” Good advice! :stuck_out_tongue:

“Do not tear Reality.” ← personal favorite.

“You may notice that Reality moves around during sex.” Oh mama, does it ever.

“After you become used to Reality, it should become easier and more comfortable to use.”

“If you are not going to use a male condom, you can use Reality to help protect yourself and your partner.” Somehow, I kind of doubt that would work.

“If you notice Reality is slipping, add lubricant to the penis or inside the pouch.” Oh, if only it were that simple.

“Remove the Reality device.” I kenna hold her together captin! She’s brreakin up! We’ll have te remove th’ Reality device!

“Reality only works when you use it.”

“Studies show that Reality rips or tears less than 1% of the time.” Well, thank Og for that. Now I’m no longer worried about the door to the Walgreens opening a rip in reality, thus leading me to come face-to-face with Vartog the Defiler.

“Before you try Reality, be sure to read the directions and learn how to use it properly.”

“Some women have reported problems using Reality.” Haven’t we all?

“Questions you may have about the proper use of Reality”

“Important things to note for the best protection from Reality”

“Take out Reality and look at it closely.” I think I saw the same thing written on the bathroom wall of the philosophy building.

“Can spermicide be used with Reality?”

“Will I feel Reality once it is in place?” With enough illegal substances, sure.

“Will Reality rip or tear when I am using it?”

Ahh, sweet wordplay humor. And the kicker:

“Reality is a soft, loose-fitting plastic pouch that lines the vagina.”

…

AAAAAAAIAIIIIIIIIIIGGGGHHH!!!

2

Now, now, Dao. As a lesbian, you never have to worry about facing Reality.

3

Apparently my reality is defective. Where can I exchange for one built to standards?

4

Dear Facist Bullyboy,

I have decided from the included literature, and a brief trial period, that I have absolutely no use for Reality whatsoever. Please refund my money in full, as I wish to instead purchase certain other products that do the same job, with much better results; specifically, I’ve been recently informed that there are chemicals/medicinals that outperform your, if I may be blunt, flawed and overhyped product, in every measurable way.

Eagerly awaiting your reply (and my money, you bastard),
Boomshanka,
Skeezix

5

My all-time favorite instruction was on the back of one of those restaurant handiwipe towels:

INSTRUCTIONS: Open package and use, discard.

6

In my monitor’s OSD is a rather funny “Engrish” instruction…

7

Also, Claymore Mines are clearly labelled FRONT TOWARDS ENEMY.

“Important safety tip, thanks Egon.”

8

For some reason, the OP (which made me laugh uproariously, by the way) reminded me of a philosophical exchange from Cheers:

Woody: “How’s life, Mr. Peterson?”
Norm: “Oh, I look at it every once in a while when I’m in the john.”
Woody: “I didn’t mean the magazine!”
Norm: “Neither did I.”

9

Yes, andy, I’m quite out of touch with Reality. But of course, we all knew that.

10

Warning label on a packed of organic walnuts I have on my desk:

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS.

11

“Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.”

Any cleaning product that has to warn people “Do not put in eyes” always makes me giggle. Hey, it cleans floors, maybe it will help get this eyelash out of my eye.

There was a flea/tick solution for dogs and cats that actually said on the box “Do not use on animal hair.” Hmmmm…something there just doesn’t make sense.

12

On a Taiwanese shampoo: Use repeatedly for severe damage.

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids: Lie down on bed and insert poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child’s superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

13

From the instructions for removing the back cover on a Russian portable radio in order to replace the batteries.

Pasted inside the back cover.

14

I have saved a few, still clipped out and cluttering up my desk drawer:

On a package of bath salts: “Dissolve completely before you enter tub.”

On a dry-cleaning bag: “To avoid danger of suffocation, keep away from babies and small children.” Words I live by . . .

15

When my wife and I went to Russia my favorite was the instructions and description on a moon-pie takeoff that was made in one of the Asian countries. It read:

Product Name which I can’t reproduce.
Tasty yummy chocolate thing.
Do not eat bag.

16

I have a little fuzzy cotton finger condom type thing that the hospital gave me when my son was born. The idea is to use it to clean his gums and (now) rapidly multiplying chompers. So far so good, the instructions are pretty straightforward and brief. However, the final caution made me laugh out loud

"NEVER leave baby’s mouth unattended"

Think maybe you forgot a word in there somewhere, guys?

17

a friend of mine is a firefighter in Trinity County. His pants came with instructions on how to put them on. The strange thing is that #1 is “pull pants up to waist”

I think if you actually need instructions on putting on your pants, then you should start by saying to put your legs in the legparts. Just my two cents.

18

My sailing lifejacket comes with detailed intructions for donning it. It’s basically a sleeveless vest made of buoyant material – not the most complex clothing item – but donning instructions are nonetheless printed on the inside of the jacket:
**

There’s even a three part diagram!

19

Walkers ‘Max’ Crisps have a single, large photo of a crisp on the front that surrounds the logo.

Fine, you can see it’s ridges.
I notice the very-small-print at the bottom of the packet:

“Not actual size”

AGH! Stupid world.

20

I just got a monitor shelf that made a big point about how it is held on in the front (toward the screen) by ‘SCOTCH BRAND MAGIC DOUBLE STICK TAPE’…or so it said several times. I was a little confused - I know that there’s magic tape, and double stick tape, but I didn’t know there was something that was both. The repetition, alll in caps, was really funny - I handed it off to the wife to laugh at. When she was good and giggling, I showed her the capper - it wasn’t ‘SCOTCH BRAND MAGIC DOUBLE STICK TAPE’ at all. . . it was velcro.