This reminds me of the “serving suggestion” pictures on the package of nearly every processed food product. Do the Progresso soup people really think that without their guidance we would never think of putting their product into a bowl?
I always wonder what some of the non-serving suggestions might be. Perhaps putting a bowl in the middle of the fast lane of a freeway. Or maybe balancing it on the tip of the Washington Monument.
On the bottom of bottled water that I got in the UK it said: Open other end (its much easier.)
All of their labeling was like that, it was clear that they were having fun with it.
On my car sun-visor (that blocks the whole windshield): “Do not drive with this in place on the windshield.”
Interestingly, it only gives this warning in French and Spanish - the English directions don’t mention it.
I always wondered about this when I was a kid and my mom explained that it meant that all the items shown were not in fact included in what you were buying. duh.
Nor does it come with a lovely, delicately- and carefully-placed sprig of parsley. 
My Dance Dance Revolution floor pad warns me, among other badly translated things, to “Make sure to pave the cushion.”
I have yet to find either a cushion or a way to pave it.
As some of you know, I have a small gun dealership I do on the side.
Every new gun that comes in from the distributor has an orange instruction card that says "Firearms can be dangerous. They can cause death or great bodily harm"
Yeah? No shit!
Then there’s that little pack of silica they put in boxes of some products to absorb moisture. It has ** DO NOT EAT THIS** stamped all over it. Like some guy is saying “wow, the new stereo speakers I bought came with a little bag of snacks”.
But you know what? I’ll bet some dumb f**k did eat the little bag of snacks and got sick (or dead) and that’s why they have to stamp that warning on it.
I once bought an IBM laptop hard drive. The outside of the cardboard box it came in said: "Do not open before using"
Bic disposable lighters: Do not use near any source of heat or flame.
Reality® is estimated to be 95% effective when used consistently (every time) and correctly
Can the penis be used to place Reality?
That site is great.
Is it just me, or does this Reality sound like a horrible, horrible thing? I thought regular condoms were bad enough. Golly, I’d really like to have sex with a plastic bag!
Incidentally, from the FAQ, why would anyone, ever, need to insert this thing up to eight hours ahead of time? That just seems excessive.
[sub]While I despise condoms, I don’t intend for my post to advocate promiscuous unprotected sex.[/sub]
I once received as a gift one of those toys that has rings attached on alternating sides of one another so that when you turn it on it spins and they seem to be rolling around on each other… Hard to describe…
It was made somewhere in Asia. The only instructions I remember:
“Not for use in the dusty play.”
“Not touching the turned on, may.”
[quote]
Reality is a soft, loose-fitting plastic pouch that lines the vagina.
[quote]
I’ve always suspected Reality would involve a vagina, but the plastic pouch was a surprise.
On the subject of ridiculous instructions, I have the winner. The warning was the standard “avoid contact with skin.” The product? Fingerprint ink.
Granted, a bottle does last a lot longer that way.
I got a frozen, personal sized Tombstone Pizza for lunch out of the vending machine yesterday.
On the back of the package, it read “Cook before eating.”
Hee, I’ve had some frozen pizza that came wrapped in shrink-wrap on top of a slab of cardboard.
On the package: “Remove shrink-wrap and dispose of cardboard before eating.”
AFAIK, silica gel is non-toxic. The notice is there because the packs are also used with products meant for human consumption. The silica gel manufacturer probably puts the notice on every pack.
In the spirit of “Band name!” I say: Euphemism for masturbation!
When I was a teenager, I used to pave my cushion all the time…
I heard that almost word-for-word in a Bill Engvall routine. Must be a popular joke. 
Here are some interesting directions from various pieces of industrial equipment.
On an Italian device for putting bottles in boxes: “Avoid wearing ties or other flying clothing items.”
One prototype machine that had been brought over from Japan had a label that warned if the instructions on the label were not followed, “it is the root cause of a big trouble.” Production US-market versions of that machine do not have this label.