To steal from http://utlt.keenspace.com/ :
Warning: Gratuitious Plot Device. Do not expose to confident assertions of its reliability.
Caution:
Being hung by chains in a shower and shocked with jumper cables outfitted with sponges and connected to a portable battery charger will be hazardous to your health.
Warning:
Jumping off a multi story building handcuffed to a suicidal man man result in injuries or death, possibly of your over wraught partner.
Caution:
Eating a scrawy carrot freshly picked from your pitiful garden after Sherman’s March may result in being exposed to all sorts of nasty pesticides or at least horse poop. Wash before eating.
Caution:
Staring into a Sorority house window of a topless pillow fight may result in being arrested for stalking, voyerism and other assorted perverted weirdo things.
On any car or truck:
Warning: vehicle may explode spontaneously if all four tires lose contact with pavement.
Visible in the Language of Mordor as Frodo pulls the Ring out of the fire:
Warning: posession of this ring may cause changes to the personalities of important characters and may result in inappropriate detours during journeys to Mount Doom. Use with caution when in Gondor.
One ring to rule them all,
One ring to find them,
One ring to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them*
Actual Ring may not rule, find, bring or bind anyone. Ring may attract Nazgul and cause Gollumism in Halflings. Use of Ring may be addictive and cause mood swings and irrational or erradic behavior. Use of Ring is not recommended for those who are pregnant or suffering from heart or kidney conditions. You must be under 42" high to use the Ring. If found, return Ring to
c/o Sauron - Ring of Power
PO Box 13144
Mt. Doom, Morder 10853
I’m not too keen on the first part but the second sounds neat. Do you know how the aliens propose to accelerate Mr. Manillow to a speed sufficient to carry him through at least one speaker? Who cleans up the mess?
DD
Also, do not mention that you have plans for the future, such as starting a business. Once you have established that you have something to live for, you are doomed.
On mobile (cell) phones.
Due to standard plot restrictions this phone will run out of battery or fail to pick up any signal when you encounter an emergency situation requiring help.
On binoculars.
In accordance with cheap 1970s TV standards these binoculars will only show angles of view already shown from existing camera angles, except with a blacked out borders to leave two eyeholes. Any resemblence between this and your actual point of view is entirely co-incidental.
Warning: Women: never run into the woods. You will only fall and be killed.
(On a PC used to contact beings from other worlds)
Notice: This computer is compatible with all alien operating systems except for Macintosh.
Warning: In case of homicidal maniac, do not use stairs. Use of stairs in upward direction may result in being helplessly trapped and ultimately stabbed, slashed, impaled, cleaved, or thrown from high window.
On any new advanced technological device, especially if used for transportation, especially in outer space:
Warning: Due to possible financial constraints (read: greedy beaurocrats) it is likely that certain corners have been cut (e.g. oxygen supply, brakes, manual override switch, etc). Operate at own risk.
I’ll add another Star Trek entry. There really should be a warning on Data:
Warning: Due to malfunction, this android may use his android abilities to take control of and/or destroy the starship Enterprise approximately every other season.
On a bullet (or really any projectile armament for that matter)
WARNING: If shot at the good guy through a car window, good guy merely has to duck to avoid it. However, the bad guy will instantly be hit in the chest.
And just below that
“Aim saber away from face.”
On a cartoon anvil
“Not an effective means of stopping animated rodents.”
On the Jock in teen movies
“Objects in muscles are not as nice as they appear.”
On any character in a prono.
“WARNING! Communicating with this person will lead to sex.”
Warning
Never leave British secret agent unattended in this trap.
Notice:
Unauthorized badguys may NOT, under any circumstance, reveal their evil plot to the hero, even as the laser is about to destroy said hero.
Doing so may result in, but not be limited to: Fire, pestilence, plague. Death, dismemberment, escape of afore mentioned hero.
In the even of unauthorized plot revelations, the UVA (Universal Villians Association) reserves the right to terminate the offenders membership, and possible existance.
Caution: This fortress is designed to resist large-scale assaults and seiges. Precision attacks by small units may penetrate outer defenses. Intensive patrols are indicated.
Warning! The treasure in this chest is protected by a terrible curse. DO NOT REMOVE TREASURE FROM BOX.