I am not a parent, but I’d say both comments were rude. The second was also bizarre. How bored the cashier was shouldn’t be a factor.
The cashier is supposed to be the human face of the company, and make the customers think that the company actually cares about them as people.
You know the greeters that some stores have? They’re actually part of the anti-shoplifting strategy. If shoppers get greeted, they are (supposedly) less likely to shoplift and vandalize.
I don’t see any rudeness in either comment – it’s generic small talk.
Well, the first comment could be rude depending on the way it is said. But most times when people say stuff like that they mean it in a light-hearted way.
And…although I think astro may have been a little rude, I do think even if the shop assistant comments were delivered in an insulting way, they’re just not that big a deal.
If these comments were, say, 10 rudeness points (RP), I’d say any event under 40RP I forget about instantly. So I can’t really relate.
Passive-aggressiveness is never light-hearted.
The first comment was a little bit out of line. But the second comment? I haven’t seen or heard of these “stamps” so I don’t know if they tend to skew more towards something women are tending to collect. But what I find odder is your assumption that if the mother isn’t present during a shopping trip, that must mean she doesn’t exist, or that she might have just died or run off, so please don’t ask about her. If you were married, and mom was just at home while you two ran to the store, would you have been so offended by the cashier asking if she had any use for them? The promotion might be one that in the cashier’s experience, men and kids don’t have on their radar but women are very interested in, and she didn’t want you all to get yelled at if you came home without them.
That’s where you lean close to the cashier and whisper, “Her mom had to die. Couldn’t mind her own fucking business”.
I find both comments part of a pair: she doesn’t think you’re raising your daughter with appropriate gender roles wherein it’s the woman’s job to do shopping. First, she tried to teach your daughter that it’s a woman’s job to unload the cart, and then she tried to teach your daughter that it’s a woman’s job to collect paper detritus from the cashier to finish the shopping transaction.
Which I think is clueless, classless and hopelessly out of date as a world view, but I also don’t think it’s worth more than an eye roll and perhaps a short chat with your daughter about how once upon a time, women ran the household and shopping and men weren’t allowed to do anything but work at a job and mow the lawn, and follow behind the woman shopper to carry the bags, and isn’t it nice that times have changed?
“Don’t let her live rent free in your head,” ~ The Internet.
My first response was that the first one was rude and the second one was a harmless mistake. But thinking about it … your 8 year old kid walked away annoyed. 8 year olds should not be put on the spot at the grocery store, at least not ones who are perfectly well behaved and helping with the grocery list. So still a harmless mistake but not necessarily wrong to call her out on it.
I don’t think either would be worth talking to a manager but they are both perhaps worth a corrective response. “She is helping, she is checking the grocery list.” “I do not collect them, thank you” The cashier might not get the hint … but I dunno, maybe your kid would have noticed, and not walked away annoyed and thinking about it.
Wow, it took me to post #26 to realise the OP is the father :smack:
I think it’s safe to say I have nothing further to add.
“She could help”
“She is, she’s checking the grocery list for me.”
“Is your mom collecting these.”
no answer from the daughter
You: “her mom and I are divorced, but I don’t collect them, no, thanks.”
The questions were sort of stupid and impertinent, but you could have politely educated her that they were with your answers. As she gets educated, unless her learning curve is flat, she’ll get better at appropriate chit chat (has it rained yet? Is it still hot out there? have you tried these crackers before? I really liked them. Do you want the promotional stamps?)
I think these cashier comments are clumsy and misplaced. The first comment sounds like it may have been motivated partly out of mild animosity, which would have been rude too. I think that you were annoyed is completely mainstream.
It’s easy to imagine that the cashier was goaded by her employer into trying to establish some kind of friendly connection with each customer, and that this is not only a silly and misguided attempt on the part of the employer but also beyond the abilities of this cashier on this day. It’d be nice if there was some way the employer could get the feedback that their efforts sometimes make things awkward and unpleasant, especially when they directly engage young children in the dialog.
If you are contemplating next steps, I don’t know what’s worth doing – but if you are just wondering if your reaction was abnormal, I think it isn’t.
I agree with this because of the second comment. If it was just the first I’d assume she was just being all “kids these days don’t have to WORK like we did, goodfernothin parents of today”, but with the second comment it seems like some obnoxious gender role policing.
Walmart is where I hear the most bizarre smalltalk from the cashiers, but it’s also where I see the strangest behavior from the customers. I find it mostly amusing rather than insulting. Lots of cashiers in supermarkets are on weird part-time schedules so the employer doesn’t have to pay benefits. I try to just laugh at the worst of the comments. It’s got to be a pretty crappy job, so I don’t expect too much. If I were with a child and a cashier was perceptively rude, I’d use that as an excuse to later have a talk with the kid about how some grown-ups are still having trouble being polite, but that doesn’t mean that their behavior should push us into likewise being rude, or letting it upset us. Unless they bag the watermelon on top of the eggs, then it’s OK to get testy.
Huh, I wonder if Publix does that. It would explain why one of the baggers there always asks me what I’m making (which I find sort of baffling, especially since the last time I was there, I was buying beer, olive oil, and an onion, and I have no idea what she was imagining one COULD make with those ingredients).
And THIS is why I love the Dope:)
Thanks for everyone’s responses. Just to clarify one thing… I unfortunately poorly worded my OP… I wasn’t really offended or even upset about either comment, probably would have forgot it completely if my daughter hadn’t mentioned it in the parking lot. The only real reason I was thinking about it at all is because she asked “wasn’t that rude?” and I wasn’t sure what to tell her. I had worked up some mock indignation in my OP that wasn’t really accurate.
Funny addendum: My daughter said if she was thinking faster when the lady asked if her Mom collected the stamps she would have said “She WAS” and then burst into tears. Yes, this is the child I’ve raised…:rolleyes:
I vote for “no big deal” depending on the tone and delivery.
My wife and I have raised four different kids who aren’t ours in a “living with Aunt and Uncle” kind of way, so I am quite used to odd small-talk comments like that when I’m out with the little kids. I often joke about how nobody who sees us would ever make the correct assumption about our family. But a world without such small talk would be a sad one, IMHO.
Since I am always out in public alone with the two little kids, I know everyone just assumes I must be a divorced dad with the kids for the weekend.
I just smile and get on with my day.
I’m surprised at how many people didn’t find the first comment rude. I’m pretty oblivious to rudeness directed towards me (more like, I shrug it off), but that was unambiguously an assholish thing to say, especially given the daughter was actually helping. I hope there’s no irony in me saying this, but that kind of assumptive judgementalness pisses me off.
Heh. I was tempted to jokingly suggest something like this. 
Don’t worry. I’m sure she scolds the single, childless women for not having anyone to help them unload groceries.
Alot of kids are allowed to play with their phones or nooks , ipads, etc in social settings where to many people its considered to be indulgent parenting and lazy, spoiled kids. older people have admittedly more social expectations of children. A few months ago, I saw a girl of about 12 in a coffee shop walk up to the hostess, as the hostess was talking to her, the girl was not even looking at the hostess, instead she was looking at her phone, mumbling replies back. The girls grandfather came over and angrily grabbed the phone away and told her to look at the hostess and speak like a civilized human. The girl ran and tattled to helicopter mom who came over and told the grandpa to give back spoiled Sue her stupid phone. The grandpa imo was trying to instill some basic decency into that spoiled kid, but by helicopter moms response, it was easy to see why the kid acted the way she did and didnt even at 12 know something as basic as how to talk to a hostess. Now I realize your daughter was not acting in the exact manner as this, however, many people would feel like a child by eight yrs old should be taught to help out by putting a few items on the belt, instead of playing on a nook as you do all the work