Two strange comments by the cashier at the grocery store tonight made me a little angrier than I think they ought to have, so I’m wondering if maybe I overreacted or was being overly sensitive.
First, as I’m unloading the cart onto the conveyor belt thing, the cashier says to me “You know, she could be helping” (meaning my 8 year old daughter, who was looking at her Nook because she was using a grocery store app that she found and was checking our list to see if we got everything). Now, even if she wasn’t using that app and just playing Angry Birds or something, what @#%@ business of hers is it. It’s not like it was even slowing her down, as there were plenty of things on the belt that she hadn’t scanned yet.
Anyway, now after we pay, the woman looks at my daughter and says “Is your Mom collecting these stamps?” (some promotion… collect stamps and redeem for Rachel Ray cookware or something). My daughter didn’t quite know how to react, seeing as how I’ve been divorced and had primary custody of her for the past 3 1/2 years. Even before the divorce, I did most of the shopping. I would think that in this day and age single parent families are common enough and gender roles diverse enough that assuming that their is a mother in the picture (and that she is the primary shopper) is not necessarily a safe bet, especially when there is no evidence otherwise. I politely took the stamps and left without saying anything.
I mean, it would have been easy enough to say “Are you collecting these?” or “Is your family collecting these?”. What if my daughter had two dads? What if, god forbid, her mother was dead (especially if recently so?.. and before you accuse me of being morbid or alarmist, it was my daughter herself who brought up this point in the parking lot. She thought it was rude/ignorant of the lady).
I hadn’t really given it much thought about whether the comments were appropriate or not until my daughter brought it up, but the more I think about it, the more they seem wrong. It’s not like it’s going to keep me up at night, but I’m just wondering what you all think.
First remark-way out of line to the point of a mention to the store manager.
Second remark-depends on the age of the cashier. I would tend to think an older lady might not be as attuned to the way things are now with gender roles.
Some store chains (Target, for instance) actively train their people to try to make conversation with the customers, and they monitor their activity on video to see how often they actually open their mouths and talk to people. Some of them suck at it.
Both of her remarks were somewhat out of line and probably poorly-stated, but the cashier may well have been under the gun to say something, and that’s what she came up with.
Ah, that explains why the cashiers at Target talk so much (but not to me, so that’s a blessing; I’ll chalk it up to my “I’m not interested in you” expression that seems to be my default).
I think both comments are equally out of line, but not enough to report or complain about. They reflect the cashier’s assumptions about families and how they ought to be composed and how they ought to function. None of her business. If she can’t think of better conversation, she ought to just smile and be silent.
Roddy
First one, absolutely out of line. If the receipt came with a survey, I’d mention it, but I probably wouldn’t bother hunting down a manager.
Second one, eh, while there are gay parents, divorced parents, and widowed parents, I have a feeling a traditional mom/dad parent household is still the most common. I’d be more annoyed at the implication that dad can’t save coupons than at the idea that mom must be in the picture. I mean, she HAS a mom, whether she’s involved or alive or what. I’d just brush this one off, I think you’re looking through the lens of single parenting to get offended.
To answer your daughters question, Yes this is mildly rude do not do this. I would let my daughter know that the best policy is to let it roll off of her back. Like water off of a ducks back. It is not important enough to get angry over, it is not a safety issue.
In the first case she is telling you how to raise your daughter. I find myself getting irritated at folks who tell me how to raise my children, and now grand children. I especially do not want the government doing this. My response (if I has noticed it) would have been to ask my daughter if we had gotten everything on her list there on her Nook. I would have thanked my daughter for double checking for me.
In the second case, I would have said Yes, I do collect those. Once again, if I had noticed.
FTR, I think her comments fall most into this category. I think she was trying to be nice (at least with the second comment, I don’t know about the first) and just make conversation, but she sure does suck at it.
And I’m not the type to complain to management unless she was REALLY out of line, which I don’t think she was.
You’re being absurdly sensitive. Cashiers are under the gun to be friendly and chat it up with people and kids. The comments she made are generic and about what I would expect from a bored female cashier.
Sure, she could have been more exquisitely attuned to your precious snowflake’s Kindle exercise, and the complexities of your custody situation, but she wasn’t so you kind of need to get over it. She’s a supermarket cashier working in an exhausting, mind numbing job for a few dollars past minimum wage, not your therapist.
Find something else to ping your sensitive Offend-o-Meter and move on.
She could have worded her comments better, but I wouldn’t say it is a big deal. It’s not like she meant any harm.
I think complaining to the manager over something like this would make the complainer a bit of an asshole (not saying you would complain, but I know some people would). This is someone who probably makes very little money working at a shitty job. Making life a little more miserable for someone in that situation because of a trivial comment, when all of us sometimes say the wrong thing without thinking, is not cool in my book.
Offended is a little too strong a word for what I felt (annoyed is closer). I was more annoyed at the first comment (which I believe falls under the category of “mind you own business”) whereas the second comment was more like “Why would you say that?” (when the alternative phrasing makes a lot more sense.
Kind of a less forthright version of this. You have to start some chain of thought involving “she shouldn’t say this because…” to get annoyed about it at all. But you don’t have to continue to entertain the thought and keep thinking about it.
You’re the second poster who mentioned this, so I guess it must be true (at least in certain establishments.) All I can say is, good God, why?? Serious question. Friendliness, okay. But chatiness? That’s supposed to be a virtue, something the company thinks will make customers want to return? Not for me, thanks.
(If it relieves the boredom for some cashiers, fine. Understandable. But as a company policy? Weird.)
It seems to me, a more important issue is that you got upset about it. I understand how people say stupid things, and you recognized this. But recognition of some stupid remark and getting upset about it are different matters.
I think it would be helpful to think it thru so that you come to not feel any discomfort about it. Maybe even feel a bit sorry for the woman for not being able to say something better.
I wanted to post a couple thoughts, I think may be helpful.
"One day Socrates was walking down a street with some friends when a nobleman approached. As was customary, Socrates greeted him, but the nobleman walked straight past, declining to return the courtesy. The friends of the philosopher were angry at the nobleman but Socrates used the incident to teach a lesson.
‘Suppose,’ said Socrates, ‘you meet a man on the street with poorer clothing than your own? Would that make you angry? Why then are you angry at a man who has poorer mental habits than you possess?’
The friends of Socrates were enlightened by hearing of this totally new way to respond to a so-called insult." The Daily Guru
“If things go wrong in my world, something is wrong in me. Therefore, if I am sensible, I shall put myself right first.” Carl Jung
One more from Jung:
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung
Yeah, she was rude but I don’t think she meant to be. It was her own judgmental attitude coming out. I’m glad your daughter caught it and talked about it, instead of internalizing stuff like that.
When I think people are rude, I can chuckle at their poor manners.
When I think they are rude ** to me** then I have to get some level of angry.
The difference is not in their behavior, but in my perception, and my willingness not to attempt to control their behavior and give up my right to a better past.
Some will say that if I don’t get mad or strike back then the offender has “gotten away with” the behavior. I say that by refusing to be upset, I have denied them victory. Sometimes it is very obviously true…mean people hate to be laughed at.