Our municipal building closes at 9pm after night court is concluded. There is a woman, “Sylvia”, who cleans in the building from 11pm-3am. On rare occasion she accidentally locks herself out of the building while taking trash out. We (the police dept) have the master key and will go and let her back in.
Sylvia is white of apparent European decent, and approximately 4’10. She is not a “Little Person” and doesn’t have Dwarfism. In other words, there is no real explaination for her stature. She’s just a very small, slim lady. She looks like she’s in her late teens even though she is in her late 30’s.
One night a few weeks ago I got dispatched to let her back into the building. When I got there another officer, “Lisa”, had already arrived. Lisa apparently had never meet Sylvia before. When she did she said “Aw, you’re so tiny and cute”.
I wouldn’t have thought twice about this. People used to say that to my younger sister all the time. But Sylvia displayed a very displeased look on her face though she said nothing.
Later on Lisa (who is in her upper 50’s and quite old school) asked me “Should I not of said that?”
I’m aware that some people are self-conscious about their height. My sister is but never minded the comments people made about it when it was intended as a compliment. But it also works both ways. My Uncle is 6’10, thin and handsome, but has problems entering certain doorways, going down stairs with a sloped ceiling, and sitting in certain vehicles. Is he supposed to get pissy when folks would say “You’re a tall glass of water”. Or should he take it as the compliment it was intended to be?
So what do you think? Should Lisa have shut up or should Sylvia graciously accept the compliment?
My opinion is the Sylvia should accept it as a compliment but Lisa, knowing how Sylvia reacted, should not say anything about her height ever again in the future.
It may have been intended as a compliment, but “tiny and cute” has an infantilising ring to it. Basically, comments about a person’s appearance are fraught with danger and are best avoided unless you can be absolutely confident that they will be well received. You can’t ever be confident that “tiny and cute” will be well-received.
Especially if it’s the first damn thing you blurt out when you set eyes on them. If you’re less than 10 years old, you get away with doing that, most of the time, but your parents wish you wouldn’t.
He’s an adult and has met many people in his life; for any new person he meets, it might seem fresh and exciting and original for them to exclaim ‘what’s the weather like up there? hahaha’. For your uncle, it’s very significantly not the first time. He’s quite likely terribly tired of it. If he doesn’t seem that way, he likely has better impulse control than some of the people he meets.
Just really inappropriate. She’s an adult woman, the comment was infantilising. Can you imagine how many times in her life she’s heard comments about her size and how that makes her feel?
I think a general rule all people should follow is ‘don’t make comments about a stranger’s personal appearance, unless you’re complementing their shoes or similar’.
It’s not so much about whether it’s worth getting mad about. It happens, and the actual harm is minimal, so getting mad probably isn’t the most productive response.
But that doesn’t mean you have to like it, or that you can’t try to get people to stop doing it. It definitely doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
It is indeed infantilizing. It’s the sort of thing an adult says to a child. If you look younger than you are, you probably spend a lot of effort on being taken seriously and not treated like a child, so being treated that way is uncomfortable.
That’s a good point; if you want to say something positive about a thing that is clearly a choice for them, that’s generally fine. If you feel the need to say something about a thing they literally have no control over, it’s probably not fine.
I also want to underline that this shouldn’t be considered out of context. In all likelihood, Sylvia’s reaction is not because she disliked what Lisa said. Sylvia’s reaction is probably because she disliked hearing something for the thousandth goddamn time.
Lisa did not mean anything by the remark but she should still apologize if she’s given the opportunity.
Yes, the comment could have been made to a puppy. Not acceptable. In appearance-related remarks, I stick to admiring comments about clothing and hair style. “Killer shoes!” or “where did you get that beautiful scarf?” are well-received.
Straight women can say those kinds of things to other straight women. Straight men are unlikely to even notice accessories but should anyway never make a comment about anything about a woman’s appearance unless they are actually making a pass, because that’s what it sounds like. Gay men can do whatever they want, for some reason.
Maybe so. But I want to reiterate that Sylvia looks like she is 17 and Lisa is in her late 50’s and unaware at the time Sylvias true age. This may explain why Lisa felt comfortable saying this. Where as I, as a man in his 60’s, wouldn’t think of complimenting a woman over anything, not even here shoes. I won’t even tell the new officer that she’s looking sharp when she comes in with here uniform pressed to draw blood.
I disagree. It could be a very long time before Lisa ever sees her again. Why pick a scab unnecessarily.,
On top of all the reasons above, in our society it’s not really OK to comment on someone’s height if they’re short, but it’s OK if they’re tall. Same with weight – you can tell someone, oh my gosh, you look so slim! But, you can’t really say, oh my gosh, you look so chunky! It’s OK to ask if someone has lost weight, not if they’ve gained weight.
That doesn’t make it any better to me. If she WAS 17, this would likely be her first job, so the last thing she would want would be to made to feel like a little girl. Honestly, these comments aren’t appropriate for anyone older than 10.
Maybe I’m just trained to be hyper sensitive as a team manager, but I don’t think it’s ok to comment on anyone’s physical appearance, tall or short, slim or chunky unless they’re obviously showing off about it.
I agree with you, but tall people get comments all the time, short people don’t really. Slim people same, heavy people don’t. It’s a societal thing, not a RitterSport thing.
And, as a team manager, it’s even more important that you don’t comment on people’s characteristics, of course.
My new wife is about 4’10" & in her younger years was 100-ish lbs but now a bit more. Genetically normal. She’s always been cute and still does darn good for a 65yo. So an older version of Sylvia.
She knows she’s small. She’ll tell you she’s small. She’ll tell funny stories of stuff that went wrong because she’s small. She really doesn’t like other people mentioning it, or offering unsolicited to help her reach something. As so many others have said, she finds it somewhere between patronizing and infantilizing.
I’m 5’10", so just barely average for a man. I’m still a full foot taller than she. Between longer arms and higher shoulders my reach is about 20 inches beyond hers. When we first got together it took awhile for me not to reflexively try to help her reach stuff. Not anymore.
Lisa meant well, and to her credit she recognized after the fact that she goofed. There was an era where women just expected to put up with uncomfortable comments of all sorts and keep smiling, but thankfully this era is less and less that one. One hopes Lisa can internalize this learning.
I think this is the key point to consider. The intent of the commenter (if it can be ascertained) should have a direct influence on the level of umbrage taken.
That’s why I said she should apologize if given the opportunity. That means if she runs into Sylvia in the near future and can make an overture while the incident is still fresh. If the next encounter is two years from now, obviously it should remain unspoken.
I stand by that. An apology is warranted, under the given circumstances.