At least Lisa didn’t also boop her—did she?
I agree that “tiny and cute” is in no way a compliment. It’s an excited utterance. It’s something you say to a dog. Was Lisa congratulating Sylvia on her gene expression?
Lisa fucked up, Sylvia owes her nothing, Lisa should consider apologizing.
Beware of mentioning weight at all.
My better half has spent her entire life trying to gain weight and struggling with health issues that are related to not eating enough. She weighs 7 stone, wringing wet, and is brought almost to tears by the lack of consideration folks show when they comment on her thin stature. She is frustrated with this apparent double standard: people feel they can comment on her weight even though such comments for overweight people are taboo.
The operative word here is “think”. It was a thoughtless off the cuff comment, and I’d like to think that she will be much more circumspect in the future.
Just stop commenting on people’s physical appearances. When you are complimenting, say something about something they have done, not something they have.
Height? Can’t help that.
New shoes? Yes! I bought those! Those are my taste! Please compliment.
I’ll liken it to my name. In my culture we have baby names. These baby names stick like glue to you no matter how terrible they are. (So we have lawyers known as Bintu!) But my baby name was Minni.
I heard 100000000 variations of the joke “Minni! Where is Mickey?” Or other stupid fucking Disney jokes. You may think it’s funny and that’s the first time you heard it but that was the first time I heard it that day. Maybe. If I was lucky. So same goes with her height. She has heard those stupid jokes before.
I spent two years working with a person who was of short stature, less than 5 feet and the comments from people were insane and constant. I never mentioned it, ever in two years. People would introduce her as such! “The extra short one”. WTAF? You literally just reduced her to her height.
Two years in we were in a serious talk and she finally told me a little about her height and what brought her there (it was a genetic condition) and expressed her gratitude - and surprise - I had never mentioned it, not once.
I lost a lot of weight in the past three years - I mean almost 100 pounds - and yes, people comment on it constantly. Why? It’s nunya business! But I just smile and accept it and never engage, because it’s supposed to be a compliment, and in this case, I know I worked hard for it - but you don’t know that! You don’t know if i have a wasting away disease!
Tiny and cute is terrible. I would maybe only say that to a 3 YO and even then I have tried to get away from “she’s so pretty” or “he’s so cute” and try to refer to something they do, we are way too focused on looks.
To her credit, apparently Sylvia realized that she should not have said it.
This Monty Python skit changed my entire outlook on jokes about names etc.:
Edit: for some reason it’s not linking to the right point in the video. This is the bit.
My eye keeps getting drawn to the thread title, and reading it as “Was this comment inappropriate?”
Of course, either way, the answer is an unequivocal “YES!”
Hypothetical question for you: say Sylvia had held her tongue in Lisa’s presence. Then, as you’re leaving the scene together (out of earshot of Lisa), Sylvia says to you, “She’s so tiny and cute!”
Would you have have thought that to reply “Yeah, she sure is! You should totally go back and tell her that!” was a good idea?
Yeah, just ensure brain is in gear before engaging mouth.
You simply don’t have to blurt out every thought that enters or crosses your mind, or even most of them.
I agree with this, although I’ve always heard it as a “tall drink of water”, and only about men.
Yup. This is also part of the territory that comes with being an ethnic minority. I like talking about my ethnicity. I don’t like being reduced to it. I cannot tell you how many times the conversation has opened with “What are you*?” Human, bitch, or even better, “Where are you from, no where are you really from.” I’m a Michigander, can’t you hear the flatland accent?
Just think for a second. Do they want to have this conversation? Is it the right time? How would you feel if you were reduced to xyz component of your physical attributes.
*I was amused by the person who thought i was Hawaiian. Do I look Hawaiian? That was a new one! I have decided I am officially Patagonian, it is a cool region, cool culture, cool clothes.
Yeah 100% totally inappropriate. Like what was she thinking? WTF would you refer to a grown adult as “tiny and cute” and expect them not to get offended?
I mean its the kind of thing that would probably piss off most kids older than like 10 years old, let alone an actual adult.
A good compliment is one about something that a person has worked hard on. You said that this lady worked in cleaning: If you had looked in her workplace and said “Wow, this place is spotless!”, that would be a compliment, because making it spotless was something she worked hard on.
She didn’t do anything to be tiny, and so it’s impossible to compliment her on that. And she might have worked to be cute, but probably didn’t, especially not while she was at work on the night shift when she didn’t expect to interact much with other people. Now, maybe if she was out for a night at a club, or the like, in that context, it might be a compliment to say that she was cute, because there, that might have been what she was going for. But this wasn’t there.
At first I thought that was three answers, not one, and was impressed.
I assume that you heard the story of the guest invited to Buckingham Palace who was repeatedly asked such questions by someone there? And this was just a year ago, when the person asking that question should have known better.
She very much should not have said that.
It’s minimizing and disrespectful. One doesn’t tell adults that they’re tiny and cute! Very small children, maybe. Kittens and puppies, sure. Possibly – but only possibly – one’s established romantic and/or sexual partner, who one knows well enough to know how they’ll take it. Not a stranger in a professional context!
It’s got nothing to do with whether Sylvia’s self-conscious about her height.
In other words, Sylvia felt comfortable about infantilizing Lisa – again, at first meeting, and in a professional context?
Sylvia should quit doing that; even to people who are 17. Probably not if they’re 7, as a lot of 7 year olds would find that annoying. Two year olds, maybe.
There, I agree with you – given that they don’t interact routinely. If they ordinarily run into each other every day or so, then I’d recommend apologizing – very briefly, and moving immediately to the next subject unless Sylvia clearly wants to talk about it. If it’s going to be weeks or months, apologizing at that point risks producing the implication of ‘this is the one thing I remember about you after all this time’ and should be avoided.
The intent of the commenter is in large part determined by whether, upon being glared at and/or spoken to, they stop the offensive behavior. Persisting in it would make negative intention clear.
But if Sylvia doesn’t glare and/or speak, this technique of clarification doesn’t work; and the behavior instead gets reinforced. I agree that Sylvia shouldn’t burst into a twenty minute screaming rant (which I gather that she didn’t.) But she’s certainly entitled to glare; and/or to say in a cold voice ‘Please don’t infantilize me’, or something along those lines.
Or are trying hard to avoid being hospitalized due to anorexia. Or any of a number of other unpleasant reasons for being thin. Or even have lost some weight on purpose, but are thinking that those who spontaneously compliment them for this must have thought they were horribly ugly before.
Do not comment on people’s weight unless they ask you to do so, or unless you have a genuine medical reason (as in, you’re their doctor trying to determine the correct dose of a drug, or trying to determine the reason for weight loss or gain.)
Why do you think it’s a compliment to be called tiny? I don’t see that at all.
Or the classic trap, “Does this outfit make me look fat?”
That person has actually asked you. I know it’s a meme, but someone who asks that as a trap is someone not worth hanging around with; and someone who’s genuinely trying to judge whether to buy or even wear a particular outfit deserves an honest answer. (Whether they ought to be worrying about “looking fat” is a whole other issue, of course.)
It may, admittedly, be more diplomatic to say ‘it does rather emphasize your butt’ and not diplomatic to say, to someone who’s worried about it, ‘well you are fat, of course you look fat’.
Like Dolores Claiborne said, “Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman’s got to hold on to.”
Dewey_Finn I had not. But these kinds of incidents are so common. Here:
The following day, Fulani used Twitter to publish the alleged transcript of a conversation she claims to have had with Lady Susan Hussey, a Lady of the Household.[12] According to Fulani’s account, Lady Hussey repeatedly asked Fulani where she was “really” from after Fulani said she was born and raised in the UK.[10] Fulani considered Hussey’s comments and actions to be abuse, saying, “Although I didn’t experience physical violence, what I feel I experienced was a form of abuse”,[13] and “… if you move my hair without permission, to me, that’s abuse”.[14]
This person is born in Harlesden. I mean she is as English as English can be. I am an immigrant but I am a naturalized citizen. I just happen to be brown!