Washing your hands after going into the bathroom.

In My Humble Opinion
81

Given a few things:

(Not too important to my point, but keep in mind that they didn’t just start living together, they’ve been doing it for 3 years)

It’s not just one concession he’s making, it’s a “LOT” of concessions. I mean, sure, lots of people make a lot of concessions, especially on cleanliness. But if we add the paranoia…

Look. I am in no position to throw stones here, but she has a lot more problems with just people in general that he’s probably dealing with and consoling her about.

And here we go. I’m sure she’s exaggerating a little, but if she’s afraid of “small noises and lights” I can’t imagine what sort of mental checklist this guy goes through if he loves her. “Oh shit, I can’t leave the pantry light on, because she might get scared.” “I hope I turned the TV off or she’s going to lose her shit when she hears people talking on TV when she gets home.” “I better make sure to gather the 15 Pure Smelling Salts and read the 5 books of false truths again because tomorrow is a new moon and that ritual is the only thing that makes her able to function.”

Obviously that last one is ridiculous, but I’m sure if you’re dealing with a bunch of little paranoias it can start to FEEL like that. And obviously I have no idea if the other two are actual things, but if she’s really THAT paranoid, I’m sure he makes plenty of efforts to make sure she’s comfortable.

So she’s considered suicide, and even assuming she never brought it up to him she’s also tried to break up with him while telling him, essentially, because it’s for his own good, because of her paranoia. I’m going to speak from some experience here and say that it likely happened when he accidentally stepped on one of her buttons, and she freaked out, and the conversation devolved into “I’m afraid of it because I’m a TERRIBLE, HIGH MAINTENENCE FIEND. And I DON’T DESERVE YOU because of ALL THE THINGS I MAKE YOU DO FOR ME. So WE SHOULD BREAK UP SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!”

Look, I’m sure that this isn’t an accurate picture of their relationship. I’m sure that 80-90% of the time it’s a perfectly nice, loving relationship. But if she really has that many hangups, I’m fairly sure that this guy is exhausted. If it’s been four years.

I agree with Hermitian and such. If he’s been doing this without complaint for a long time and just started again, I think he may just be breaking down. Tired of dealing with stepping on tiny paranoia after tiny paranoia. I’m not sure he’s even intentionally doing it to hurt her, he may be trying to sneak “maybe she won’t notice this time”. Maybe he’s passive aggressively putting his foot down “please, just let me have this ONE THING.”

Of course, he’s in the wrong for doing it, I’m not debating that, but when people in this thread are saying “of course he should do this one thing for you”, I really get the sense that this is but one small thing in a mountain made up of “small things.” None of them bad by themselves, but very stressful when put together. He’s not right for rebelling (if that’s what he’s doing), but it’s very understandable.

I don’t think the relationship is unsalvageable, necessarily, but I think good therapy needs to get involved – probably including couples’ therapy – for it to work out long term.

82

Caiterz, if you’re convinced he’s The One, that therapy can’t help, and you can’t simply accept it, here’s a thought: stop finding out if he’s washed his hands.

Get a pump bottle of alcohol-based hand sanitizer. Make sure it’s quiet enough that you CAN’T HEAR IT. Ask him to use it quickly every time. Ask him to refill it, discretely, when it runs low. And stop listening for it. Stop asking him if he washed. Don’t check the level of the bottle. Trust him to do it. Stop paying attention to the fact.

…

That said, I agree that “waiting for marriage” is a red flag. Sex is important. Unless you both identify as asexual (in which case, disregard, mostly), this is alarming. While I can understand waiting for religious reasons, it’s important to understand that those religious reasons exist because it’s assumed that people want to have sex. And that’s why cohabitation is frowned upon; being able to share a home with a partner without sex…well, it just doesn’t usually work that way.

The simple fact that you’re sexlessly cohabiting succesfully while being aware of his urinary habits…well, it suggests that there’s more to this picture than we can judge from this information. If you are as paranoid of germs and uncomfortable with bodies (both yours and his) as your posts sorta indicate, I would urge you to discuss these things with a couples’ therapist. Even if you don’t feel your anxiety or OCD tendancies can be corrected with individual therapy (although, as others have pointed out, you should be seeking CBT), my assumption is that you and your fiance will benefit from professional assistance in communicating these feelings.

83

I got $50 says no dick ever being sucked here (to completion/swallow). Takers?

ETA: with $$ on the line, want pics/video/or notarized documents. Fair, right?

84

I think he is being a bit unreasonable by not doing that. That is truly disgusting and rather unreasonable of him to refuse to QUICKLY wash his hands afters he pisses.

85

I remember that answer and it makes no sense. Your morning shower isn’t going to get rid of those coliforms (presumably E. coli since that is the main gut bacterium) but waving your hands under the spigot will? We evolved with germs and there is considerable evidence that we are better off learning to live with them. Otherwise your immune system might decide to attack self (and no, that makes no sense either, I know, but the evidence seems to be there).

86

[sarcasm]OH NO! He’s such a douche! How dare he be like almost every body else. How dare he NOT be an obsessive germ-a-phobe. He’s such a self centered bastard. O… M… G…![/sarcasm]

Now for my real response: Oh puh-leeeeze.

87

Are you saying that almost no one else washes their hands after using the bathroom and if they do, they are an obsessive germaphobe?

88

I doubt anybody will admit it here on this board but plenty of people don’t wash their hands after they pee when they are at home. Taking a poo sure, but not after peeing. At least that’s been my experience with family members and past GFs.

When I’m at home I wash anytime I’m about to do something in the kitchen and every time after taking a deuce.

89

I guess you don’t know about the new reality show using footage from hidden cameras and webcams that aren’t shut down. The data will be available very soon. A word to the wise: don’t take your phone, iPad, or kindlefire <ahem> into the toidy.