Washing your hands after going into the bathroom.

In My Humble Opinion
1

^ Yes i’ve read that.
My fiancee and I have an issue. (We’ve been together for 4 years, lives together 3 of them and plan to be married soon)

He wont wash his hands after using the bathroom. I have extreme paranoia about germs, and I’ve dealt with a LOT of nasty stuff moving in with him… A lot of which he’s been really good about…

…but this is one thing i will not budge on. You go into the bathroom, you wash your hands, and that’s that.

Everytime he goes to the bathroom and doesnt flush i feel pissed off the entire day because i feel like everything in the house is dirty and gross and needs to be washed, and i just feel disgusted about everything, and mad that he wont spend 30 seconds washing his hands.

(If not for himself, then even for my peace of mind)

Cleanliness is the -only- thing we fight about… The last time we fought, he said “I will not get mad in the future if you ask me to wash my hands.” and he was REALLY REALLY good about it for a LONG time…

but the past 2 days, He’s got up, I’m trying to go back to sleep after he gets up… and all i hear is

Light on
Peeing
Flush
Light off
Computer tapping/Fridge opening

and i cant sleep.

All i can think of

is his pee
the toilet handle
the light switch
germs

all
over

everything

and i cant sleep.

i cant evenhope to go back to sleep

All i think of is how disgusting that is.
So i told him, daniel, please wash your hands, and he gets mad, washes his hands, tells me to leave him alone, and looks up how “his mouth is dirtier than the bathroom/pee/etc”

“What do i have a penis for if i have to wash my hands?”
“I flush with my foot”
“Theres worse germs on my mouth, and you kiss that”
“1/3 of the people online say they dont wash, that should make you feel worse (or something like that”

I’ve tried showing him articles on how people die from diseases contracted from not washing hands.

I’ve posted a note in the bathroom saying “please wash your hands”

I’ve told him that it helps my peace of mind when he spends 30 seconds to wash his hands.

We’ve bought one of those hands-free soap pumps.

I’ve tried soap with scent he likes.

I love him to death, but this is just going to have to change, or else I’m going to be disgusted my whole life, and i don’t want to feel disgusted, i want to feel ONLY love. :confused:
Please, any advice would be epic… I’m literally in tears over this.

2

The Cecil answer.

3

If he doesn’t like washing his hands, could you get him to use hand sanitizer? A quick squirt and rub might feel easier to him than washing.

4

If you really and truly are crying and unable to sleep because your boyfriend didn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom, you need to speak with a doctor. it sounds like you have OCD or some other mental issue that is causing you a great deal of pain. There is help for these disorders. There’s medication you can take.

Yes, he should wash his hands, but your reaction is so out of proportion, I feel like that’s the real issue here.

5

^ The you didnt even read my post :confused:

been to a doctor. I know i have severe paranoid and anxiety issues. I told my fiancee this before we even got together as friends. I told him I’m a horrible person, i literally have no friends, and i hate people, and i cant deal with society… and he still stuck with with me.

The doctor just wants to talk about my dad and crap. Talk talk talk, and no action. All the talk in the world wont make me less okay with piss potentially being all over my house.

6

kitchens and the things in them have been found to have more germs than bathrooms.

your body has lived so far. people live many decades. unless you are out of the average and have some susceptibility to a particular germ then you will likely be OK. for generations of ordinary people prior to the latest generation then people weren’t so worried and survived. even some areas of health were better from more exposure to diverse microorganisms.

7

Edit: Apparently I took too long to type. Your therapist/doctor/whatever is doing jack shit for you. Fire him and find someone else, and feel free to ignore the rest of my post since you addressed it.

I recommend reading the whole article, including the question about sex (hint: you’re probably getting exposed to worse during sex with him). Afterwards, you’ll either feel much better, or go talk to a professional.

(BTW, I work in a hospital. I understand the importance of hand washing, and do it quite faithfully at work and fairly faithfully at home. I still think you’re wildly overreacting.)

8

I’ve been to 5 different ones.

1.) said i needed to wear makeup to ‘feel better about myself’
2.) said i was bipolar over my mom being in the hospital (She was dead, and thus i dont even know where she got this from) and she talked to her kids while i was in session about what they were going to have for supper. (Yes i PAID for these ones!)
3.) Told me to get acupuncture, and fell asleep while i was talking to him on a regular basis.
4.) related everything to sports
5.) Just talks about my dad

I read the whole article, and we’ve never had sex. We’re both virgins.

Talked to 5 professionals.

I’m unreasonable in asking that you wash your hands every time you go to the bathroom?

9

Crap, sorry for the double post, it wont let me delete this one.

I never said it was going to kill me. I can not help that I am worried. My nerves are shot.

My mom was a druggie in the womb, I’m quite sure that has a lot to do with it…

My brain doesnt work right. I’m terrified of -EVERYTHING-. LITERALLY. Even small things like noises and lights… and I cant shut the worry off. You wouldn’t understand unless you felt it…

10

You need a cognitive behaviorist. Please take the time to find one, and get recommendations and good reviews of the one you choose.

11

Fundamentally… yes, I think it’s unreasonable to expect a fiance/spouse to wash their hands every time they use the restroom. I have different standards for doctors or food handlers while on the job, but when they come home, it’s their own business.

It sounds like reason won’t help you here. There are certainly some dangers, but there are dangers in everything you do. You can’t have a healthy relationship with anyone unless you can get over this kind of thing.

Also… you’ve moved in together but are still virgins? The handwashing and your germ phobia are not the only red flags here. You guys need help.

12

Caiterz with respect and genuine empathy for you, yes. You are being very, very unreasonable and irrational. Your degree of fear and disgust is far out of proportion to his ‘crime’ of failing to wash his hands after urinating, and it sounds like he – extremely patient and accommodating – is nearing the end of his rope.

I can tell by what you write that you absolutely cannot help your reaction. But the problem is with you, not with him. Fire your therapist and find another that can help you with your anxiety (if not full-on phobia) and OCD.

Pee is sterile. The amount of pee he would get on his hands would be miniscule. He is not getting pee all over your house. And it is also his home; he deserves peace of mind too. Constant reminders, notes, anger, disgust … This has to be hurting him too.

By any reasonable standard, yes, the problem resides with you. I know you will likely want to disagree or react defensively. Please just give some thought to what you are being told here. Surely it wouldn’t hurt to bring it up with your therapist (hopefully the NEW one) or even talk to your medical doctor about your fear? I am sure he or she will also tell you that health risk from coming into contact with Fiancées pee is not at all harmful.

13

Waiting for marriage, and the fact we dont have money for a kid is proof that we have a problem??

Again, I have had 5 DIFFERENT therapists.

I’ve told him I will leave so that he doesnt have to deal with my crap anymore, but he says that will just hurt him.
So there is* no way* for me to fix this problem. I feel trapped.

I have entertained death as a way for escape in the past, not only from this but from my constant fear of everything.
But that would hurt him even more, as well as I am chicken.

14

You’re not unreasonable in asking that someone wash their hands after going to the bathroom. But as others said, if you’re literally losing sleep over it and having anxiety issues related to it, it seems to me that there’s more at play here. I see you have gone to therapists, and I’m not one myself, but I’ll give you my thoughts and you can do with them as you will.

Looking at these things in a purely rational way “oh public areas/kitchens/mouths whatever are dirtier and that doesn’t bother you” isn’t getting at the heart of the issue here. The whole point is that anxiety, OCD, or whatever else it might be aren’t things that can be rationalized away. So I really see two issues here, one is the actual underlying issue itself, and the other is how it is affecting your relationship.

I’ll address the latter part first, in that regardless of what the underlying issue is, it is affecting your relationship and both of you have to put in effort to deal with it. Obviously, the way it’s going now isn’t working for you, if he cares about you, he ought to be willing to put in effort to help with it, but you also need to put in some effort. The effort he needs to put in is obvious, wash his hands. The effort you need to put in is less obvious, but it’s in helping him to understand why it bothers you; I think it’s going poorly because he’s not understanding your motivation. That is, when he’s hearing you say “wash you’re hands after you pee”, I think he’s interpretting it more as a nag, which in turn only encourages him to do enough to shut you up. If, however, he clearly understands that there’s something more to it, that it’s actually having a real affect on you, and that he can make your life easier with a small step like that, maybe his motivation can change from shutting you up to doing it because he loves you. Also, when he does it, try not to bottle it up. If you need to talk to him, or clean or whatever to make it easier for you do it. But really, in the end, these sorts of communication breakdowns can escalate, and if he’s not willing to put in more effort for something small like this, it may get worse over time.

Also, are there other things you can do to help make these steps easier for him and you? Someone upthread mentioned hand sanitizer, which is definitely easier and faster than washing, and perhaps if you hear nothing, maybe he just sanitized instead of washing. Maybe he can adjust his habits, if he hasn’t already, so that he literally doesn’t touch anything which his hands, but I’m not sure if that will really help you much or not. Maybe if hearing him at night not do that keeps you awake, some ear plugs might help keep you from being awakened or at least hearing what he may or may not be doing. But, really, you two need to talk.
And as for the underlying issue, I commend you for trying to find a professional for help, and it didn’t work out, but don’t give up. Sometimes they’re just bad or just not really able to help you specifically. Maybe you don’t so much need professional help as much as just someone to talk to, like maybe a clergyman, if you’re religious, a friend or family member, or there’s even some other services that can give you an ear to talk to. Keep looking, you’ll find something or someone that will help you.

15

That’s. Really, he touches all the food in the fridge with his penis hands? How inconsiderate.

I totally hear you on this issue and don’t you’re overreacting all that much (at least by my standards, which are pretty low when it comes to this kind of thing).

Also, don’t completely rule out breaking up with him. From this thread:

16

Yeah, but what about all the fucking bacteria on the penis?

Also, after thinking about it - OP, you may want to consider telling your fiance to wash his dick with soap and water well maybe even two times a day.

You could minimize the amount of germs that way. But this is the best "absolute last resort no idea what to fucking to I give up RAGE QUIT" solution I can offer.

17

“Floor 8, advice–everyone out.” Moved to IMHO from General Questions.

samclem, moderator

18

I will not break up with him. I love him more than anything, and that’s what marriage is all about.

I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. / to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
Just because we have this issue doesnt make me love him any less at all. It just upsets me, and it seems like there’s 2 solutions here:
1.) Spend 30 seconds washing hands after bathroom.
2.) Try to reverse a lifetime of emotional neglect and bypass a lifelong issue of paranoia/anxiety to suddenly be okay with the potential of pee/poop on things in the house.
It seems unfair to me to be forced to bypass something in my brain that has troubled me my entire life… and that I’ve desperately tried to fix for the past 20 years with no avail.

…so that he can save 30 seconds of time by not washing his hands.
That’s how I see it…

(Because YES… I do want to have friends. I WANT to not be afraid of everything. I WANT to be able to drive at night. I WANT to be able to say Hi to someone, much less hold a conversation. I want to be able to get a good job and buy a house. I want to know how to say “No”. I do want to do all of these things… But an entire lifetime of therapists, medications, and frustration and crying and hundreds of posts on forums online on my part didn’t change me at all… Why would handwashing…)

19

If I was worried about the “fucking bacteria” all over my husband’s penis, we could have eliminated the “fucking” altogether. He does not wash his hands after peeing. Most men (that I’ve known) don’t.

And in 25 years of sucking his dick, not to put too fine a point on it, I’ve gotten teh death germs from him exactly … never.

Sure, chances are there with just about anything we come into contact with. I think that a medical doctor could and probably would reassure her that those chances are quite miniscule.

20

Good point, actually. I stand corrected.