Perhaps then, I am biased from never being exposed to penis germs.
I don’t have a penis, and it slightly disturbs me.
I do have a vagina, but I dont feel like rubbing it all over everything, then touching it. It’s bad enough having to wipe through 54 layers of TP.
Maybe it’s all that “Your private parts are dirty and you shouldnt touch them, much less touch other things with them.” that’s pounded in my head for 12 public high school years.
Then the “Wash your hands after you go to the bathroom” that your parents taught you. I never grew out of it. Maybe i should, huh?
My “doing everything By the books” that I was taught and followed religiously has betrayed me.
I’m no kind of expert, but it sounds like your 5 therapists are all psychologists, not psychiatrists. The latter are MDs, and can prescribe, while the former are PhDs, and cannot.
I think you need to look into a medical treatment before you give up. At least give it a try. I think OCD responds to medication better than many other disorders.
And try the hand sanitizer route. I hope he’ll meet you halfway on that.
Even if she is overreacting, you would think that, knowing she has issues and how important this is to her, albeit somewhat irrational, unless he completely hated her he’d just do it for her. It’s not like washing your hands isn’t the right thing to do anyway, so why wouldn’t he just do it and keep the peace? It almost seems like now he’s not doing it just to get to her, if, as she says, he did it for a LONG time and now just recently he won’t.
Caiterz, I am not suggesting that you don’t ask him to wash his hands. Especially after pooping - that could pose a health hazard (slim chance but far greater than urine). I am just suggesting that you own the problem as yours, not his, and that you explain this to him in detail that you are not disgusted by HIM, and that you realize your excessive fear is irrational. And that when by force of habit he fails to wash 100 percent of the time, especially in the middle of the night when he’s bleary-eyed with exhaustion, you remind yourself before speaking to him that your irritable and disgusted reaction is YOURS to own, and you don’t project that onto him by nagging and confronting. Ask nicely.
Given that this is such a big issue for you, I think he should wash his hands every time whether it makes sense to him or not. If you had a huge irrational dog phobia due to being bitten by a dog as a child, and he insisted on adopting a dog because your phobia makes no sense to him, that would not be a loving thing to do. It if you were deathly afraid of heights and he insisted on moving to a penthouse apartment, that would just be mean. This is a simple and sensible thing you’re asking, and he should just give in.
Having said that, let me add that I don’t understand a guy NOT washing after peeing. At least women don’t handle the goods directly when peeing- even so, I always wash. My late husband was a kidney transplant recipient, and we had a whole lot of cats, so I became very conscious of hand washing whenever I used the bathroom or handled kitty litter. There have been many articles recently about how simple hand washing is the single most important thing hospital personnel can do to cut down on the spread of infection.
Yes, the OP has some issues that she may be dealing with forever, but her fiance’s unwillingness to do this simple, rational, sensible, smart, benign thing that she wants him to does not bode well for their future together.
To the OP: ask yourself why you are so stuck on a guy who blows off this thing you’re asking of him. I predict very rocky times ahead. And you don’t need rocky times. You need a safe haven with a man who values you and takes you seriously.
I agree. And at this point, I think it’s counterproductive to argue him into washing his hands for any reason other than “I need you to for my own peace of mind; please do this out of love for me.” And maybe there’s something you can do for him (either something you already do, or something you can start doing), that doesn’t make sense to you but that he wants, so that he can see that it goes both ways.
That said, it sounds like you have other issues that are keeping you from living a happy, mentally and emotionally healthy life, that the right kind of therapy could really help you with. Maybe some Dopers who’ve gotten help, for themselves or others close to them, for similar issues could share what worked for them.
I am going to have to go out on a limb here and say that maybe it’s time for some couples therapy.
While she does have some germ issues, I suspect he also has some issues.
If I read correctly, for a while he went along with washing his hands, but has suddenly stopped again. Why is it so important to him to make such an issue of such a minor request? Maybe he is feeling a strain in the relationship? Maybe it’s the germ-phobia that’s getting to him, maybe there are other issues getting him and the germ-phobia is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
There’s got to be something that is suddenly causing him to act out like this. Maybe it’s time for both of them together and air out what is going on in their relationship before things escalate?
Going back to Post #8 above: Those 5 seemingly nut-case “therapists” you’ve seen: It seems like you really need a better algorithm for choosing a therapist. It’s possible this could be helpful, if you can find a good one. Sounds like you’ve gotten five loons for therapists so far.
I was talking with someone whose entire extended family just suffered, over about a three week period, with a viral/bacterial enteritis. Horrible diarrhea affected one family member after another. Grossed me the fuck out to think about the implications.
No, asking people to wash their hands in not unreasonable. What unreasonable is your crying, inability to sleep, and day-long anxiety because your roommate didn’t want his hands after a piss. It’s over the top and abnormal.
OK, you have A Problem. You need professional help for it and by that I mean USEFUL professional help. Clearly, the people you have been dealing with haven’t helped you. I’m guessing you need someone specializing in OCD or phobias and not the run of the mill life issues, or depression, or bipolar, or whatever. Or maybe I’m wrong on that because I’m not a doctor but the folks you’ve been seeing haven’t been focusing on your real issues.
You also need to be assertive: “No, it’s not my dead mom – it’s my over the top reaction to germs that is ruining my life and my relationships.”
These days two people engaged to be married and living under the same roof and NOT having sex is a bit unusual. Or even if not engaged, two opposite sex roommates not have sex is a little unusual. That doesn’t make it wrong, but it’s not the normal way things are done.
The other thing is, thanks to modern technology, sex does not automatically mean kids these days. Of course, some people have various objections to birth control of various sorts and if you have a religious or moral objection that’s fine but, again, it’s not how most people operate these days.
The other thing I’m concerned about is how, if you intend to have children, you are going to be able to cope with all the various bodily secretions and excretements they generate. Pee, poop, drool, snot… babies are messy. If you intend to have kids you will need to having better coping mechanisms than you currently do.
I hasten to add it’s also perfectly OK to not have kids… but I’d rather that be by your own choice rather than due to your fears.
And clearly they have been the WRONG SORT of therapist.
Penis germs are pretty much like other germs, you have undoubtably been exposed at least indirectly.
Um… OK, this is not good.
Look, the “slightly disturbed by a body part I don’t own” is understandable. Personally, I find penises sort of ridiculous more that disturbing but I get it. You don’t have one, you don’t really understand them, and they look different than your parts.
However, MOST sexually mature (and even quite a few non-mature) women DO like rubbing their vaginas over things (even if not everything) and touching them. And most women don’t feel a need for “54 layers of TP”.
This is NOT a normal relationship with your body.
I wish I had some magic pixie dust to sprinkle over you and make it all better, but I don’t. I don’t have an easy or pat answer for you, but you do need to come up with better solutions than you currently have.
I agree that, given just how important this is to you, and how, um, different your situation is from the norm he really should make every effort to wash his hands every time. It’s not a huge concession. I agree, some couples therapy, or at least a few sessions, might be useful IF you can find a competent therapist! He needs to understand that this isn’t nagging (however much it feels like it) but something that really does affect your health and well being, no less than if you had a compromised immune system – not because you have a low resistance to germs but because it is so emotionally distressing it’s affecting all the rest of your life. If he does care for you then if he had a better understanding of what’s going on and how he can actually help you that might be a good thing for both of you.
Or maybe it won’t work. I’m not going to lie to you and guarantee success. There are no guarantees. There’s just a lot of try and keep trying in life.
You need to find a 6th. Or maybe a 7th or an 8th or a 9th. I can’t tell you how many it will take, but there’s no magical limit that promises you’re going to get one who’s good for you and takes you seriously with 5 tries. Remember that literally half of all doctors graduated in the bottom of their class!
In the meantime, you may want to check out MoodGYM. It’s a DIY Cognitive Behavioral Therapy website activity. It’s not as good as working with an actual Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, but it’s a good second choice for those who can’t find or afford actual CBT, and studies have shown internet based CBT programs such as this to be pretty darn effective.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is NOT the same as talk therapy or psychiatry. It’s been found to be much more effective than psychodynamics or gestalt therapy or pretty much any other therapy out there in dealing with depression, anxiety and/or phobias. It’s the gold standard technique for changing unwelcome thoughts, which it sounds like you might want to do.
And…as a nurse and a huge proponent of frequent handwashing, I’ll still opine that your worry is not healthy and proportionate to the risk. The main reason we get on people to wash their hands after peeing is that there’s a sink right there. We’d like you to wash your hands several times a day to remove the bacteria, viruses and molds that you pick up from doorknobs and telephones and elevator buttons and keyboards and everything else you touch during the day. If you never had to pee, I’d still want you to wash your hands several times a day. Since you also have to pee several times a day, and there’s a sink right there, that’s the convenient time to ensure you wash your hands several times a day. Urine is sterile. I don’t care if you wash the pee off your hands. I do want you to wash your hands of the Stuff you’ve gotten on them outside of the bathroom, and there’s a sink right there! If he’s washed his hands since coming home, and then he pees, the only other Stuff on his hands is going to be the Stuff that’s already on the surfaces of your home. While more frequent handwashing is better (at least up to the point just before you start doing skin damage), not washing after you pee at home is not worth losing sleep over, literally or figuratively.
It sounds like several people are saying he should do it just to make things better in their relationship. I can get behind that.
But I also think the OP is terrified (OCD?) enough that I have a hard time imagining this is the ONLY thing.
Maybe the boyfriend is choosing to draw his line. If its not here, then it is somewhere else. Does he have to wear gloves and a hair net during food preparation next? Wash his feet before stepping into the house?
Once again, I think he should do it, but I might understand where he is coming from. Have there been a lot of other requests to change his behavior? I have been kind of passive-aggressive before when I feel like I am being pressured on multiple fronts. It’s easy to pick one thing and just not give it up. It turns into a “you’re not the boss of me” kind of thing. Its a reminder to himself that he is his own man and he won’t just do everything because it was requested of him.
I agree. Why can’t he just wash his hands since he knows it bothers her so much?
Washing your hands isn’t hard. It seems disrespectful to me that he would choose not to do a simple task that he knows would make her feel better.
There’s no sense in beating around the bush.
If I were you, I would say, “Hey, this is important to me. Even if you don’t understand why it matters so much to me, can you please do it so that I can feel better?” If he still won’t do it, then I would ask him: “Why not?” Don’t be angry or anything - just give him a chance to explain himself, and make sure he understands that this is a big deal to you.
Yes, it does sound like your anxiety has probably made this issue bigger in your mind than it really is. However, you’re not asking a lot from him. I think in a healthy relationship, people should be willing to do things that they may not think are necessary because it’s something that their partner cares about.
I don’t like sports at all but I’ve gone to sports games with my husband because he cares about it. There are sex acts that are not really my cup of tea but I do it because I know it makes my husband happy. Why can’t your boyfriend just wash his freaking hands when he knows it makes you happy?
If he won’t do something as basic as keeping up his hygiene for you, he does sound rather selfish to me. Maybe he’s rebelling because he resents anyone telling him what to do or something?
