ways to brighten up another boring day in the office

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

· Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you
· Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye”
· To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
· When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it,and whisper huskily “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”
· Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”
· In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out “Yahtzee!”
· Walk sideways to the photocopier.
· While riding in the elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
· Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him/her with double-barrelled fingers.
· Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it”
· Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
· Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
· Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
· At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
· Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
· For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Bob’.
· Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go and do a number two”.
· While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
· In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter “Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!”
· At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again”.
· In a colleague’s day-timer, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights”.
· Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You want to swap?”
· Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
“Do you hear that?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now”
· Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it”
· Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
· Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

  Bored during meetings? Why not try some of these neat little
  exercises, not only will it make meetings more interesting but your
  fellow workmates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a
  respectful distance:

· Discreetly clasp hold of someone’s hand and whisper: ‘can you feel it?’ from the corner of your mouth
· Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval
· When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them
· Chew tobacco
· Wear a hands free phone headset throughout and once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: ‘I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!’
· Write the words ‘he fancies you’ on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen
· Respond to a serious question with: ‘I don’t know what to say, obviously I’m flattered, but it’s all happened so fast’
· Use Nam style jargon such as ‘what’s the ETA?’, ‘who’s on recon?’ & ‘Charlie don’t surf’
· Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly
· Shave one of your forearms
· Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it, when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit init, cover your mouth and gasp
· Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you ‘love this dirty town’
· Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute
· Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat
· Reflect sunlight into everyone’s eyes off your watch face
· Gargle with water
· Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth
· Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair
· Hum throughout
· Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively
· Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes
· Drop meaningless & confusing management-speak into conversations such as: ‘what’s the margin, Marvin?’; ‘When’s this turkey going to
get basted?’; ‘If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going toend up looking like doe-eyed labradors’
· Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange
· Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids
· Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch
· When referring to someone in the room always call them your ‘homey’ or dog’
· Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout ‘I AM NOT FINISHED’
· Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda
(1) Trample the weak
(2) Triumph alone
(3) Invade Poland
Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven’t seen them

2
  • Answer the incoming phone lines, “WJRR Talk Radio, you’re on the air!” ##
  • Wrap your hand-held calculator in a Kleenex and pass out cigars, claiming your adding machine just gave birth.
  • Challenge you co-workers to a chair race down the hallway.
  • If they win, claim they cheated.
  • Fling rubber bands randomly over the open cubicles.
  • Guard the elevator buttons like a rabid dog. (Bonus points if you froth at the mouth.)

[sub](Note, this does not apply if you work at WJRR Talk Radio.[/sub]

3

Nothing meaningful to add. Just wanted to let you know that I laughed my ever-loving ass off while reading your posts!

4
  • Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you ‘got the last one.’
  • Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say ‘You never can be too careful.’
  • Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you.
  • Pretend to be hypnotized by someone’s screen saver.
  • Go into someone’s office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look.
  • Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.
  • Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that the holes ‘make it more aerodynamic’.
  • Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.
  • Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to ‘change the channel’ on people’s computers. When it doesn’t work, mumble something about ‘cheap crap.’
  • Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through.
  • Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands.
  • Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time.
  • Walk into people’s offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying ‘No sign of him yet, Chief.’
  • Paint your face blue and start searching around in people’s desk drawers. Ask them if they’ve seen your pills.
  • Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.
  • Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff cantine. Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows.
  • Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door which reads ‘NO COVER!’ Announce loudly that it’s happy hour.
  • Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people.
  • Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
  • Stand by the elevator and when people try to get on, ask if they have an appointment.
  • Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the your co-workers.
  • Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to other people. Insist people talk only to the puppet. Be insulted when they do.
  • Listen to the cubicle walls with a stethoscope.
  • Leave the copier set at 200%, extra-dark, coallated, stapled and 999 copies.
  • Make corrections to your document with Wite-out…on the computer screen.
  • Conduct a pencil inventory at each desk. Figure out per person average. Take pencils away from people who have “too many”.
  • Put road cones and “CAUTION” tape around your desk. Announce to everyone you are in a bad mood.