Ways to deal with bullying (that work)

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, with yet another bullying thread going on in the Pit, I thought that I might well see if I could get some information (or at least, multiple similar anecdotes) on this rather emotionally charged topic. The question is simple: how can you effectively deal with bullies?

Also, I am not a psychologist or any form of professional advice-dispenser, nor will any of my anecdotes below appear in any form of peer-reviewed journal. My personal experiences are just that.

1: Present yourself as a less attractive target.
If you are bullied because of a behavior or attribute, you can change it, or at least try to. In my experience, this simply does not work. Most bullies need an excuse, not a reason, and “I picked on him yesterday” is often sufficient.

2: Involve the authorities.
In none of my experiences with bullying has an authority figure done anything more than stop it temporarily. In many cases, not even that happened.

3: Retaliate.
Frankly, everything I have seen and experienced indicates that this is the most effective option. In middle school, I was an overweight undersocialized nerd, and naturally a bully magnet. This continued until I realized that I could apply my intellect to solving bullies the way I did math problems. I would simply find out something they could not endure, such as a taunt about a sensitive topic, a specific threat, or a particular act of violence, and use it until I was left alone. In short, in order to fight the cruel, sociopathic monsters of my childhood, I became one. On one hand, this worked; by high school, I had no problems with bullies, or at least, no problems with the same bully twice. However, the fact that this plan worked so well is a very large obstacle in my search: from my experiences, a clever, thoughtful bully can get away with nearly anything.

4: Change the environment.
Once I left high school and started college, I learned about normal human interactions, and ceased my self-defense bullying. Now, a large part of this was because no one was trying to bully me anymore. Also, the high school environment is a lot more conducive to bullying than college. Still, it effectively stopped bullying, so I list it here.

So, anyone else have methods they want to share, or possibly expand on the ones listed?

2

Kill them while you’re still a kid, and hopefully you’ll be free by the time you turn 18.

3

My brother had a hard time with bullies when he was little. My mom told him next time they picked on him to punch them as hard as he could. He didn’t want to because he would get in trouble. She said she’d take care of that. So they picked on him, he fought back, and got kicked out of school for the day. My mom picked him up, bought him lunch at McDonalds and basically made the whole day special for him as a reward. He didn’t get picked on again.

I agree, retaliation is the best solution.

4

I’ve posted this before:

My second son was bullied for a while at about age 8 or 9. Strangely he is a really big guy and at the time towered over his classmates, however he is very easy going and wouldn’t hurt a fly. I couldn’t work out what was going on and while I pondered things the whole matter came to an end.

His older brother had worked out that the kids who were picking on his brother were doing so at the behest of the leader of their gang. So he told his brother that next time he was picked on he shouldn’t even talk to his tormentors, he should just walk over to their leader and tell him that he would hold him responsible for anything that happened to him and he would pay a heavy price.

I sure I would have offered something more namby-pamby as advice and to be honest I was thrilled that one comeupance ended the whole affair.

5

Bullies thrive on perceived weakness. It sounds easier than it really is but you have to stand up to them and change their perception of you as an easy victim. The bully, shown sufficient incentive, will (unfortunately) move on to find happier hunting grounds.

6

Another vote for retaliation. They told me in Sunday School to “turn the other cheek” etc. so I did, like a good christian boy. I was overweight, shy, wore glasses, etc. and was bullied mercilessly. Then one day in 9th grade I got sick of this kid who always took my lunch money and I started hitting him. To my utter amazement he ran away crying! Nobody ever messed with me after that.

7

Another vote for retaliation.

I was bullied by a group of girls in junior high. The ringleader would go out of her way to trip me in the hall, until I grabbed her by the hair and slammed her into a locker. She left me alone for a few weeks, then tried tripping me… once… more.

I dragged her into the bathroom, she shoved me and threw me off balance, I bounced back, grabbed her by the upper arms and pushed her against the wall, digging my nails into her skin so deeply that I drew blood.

Nobody picked on me after that.

8

The idea that bullies prey on perceived weakness cannot be overemphasized. Bullies aren’t looking for a fight, they are looking for a victim. You don’t need to unleash a chimp-style beatdown on a bully (though it is satisfying), all you have to accomplish is inflicting enough damage to take the fun out of it. It may take more than one session for the lesson to sink in.
As a former bully magnet, I’ve never known anything except retaliation to be effective. Authority figures may or may not intervene, and eve if they do, they aren’t going to be your dedicated bodyguards.
Hit hard. Hit first, ideally while the bully is still in mouth-running threatening mode. Hit where it hurts. Keep hitting.

9

Don’t assume that bullying stops once you’re out of school, either. I left my last permanent job due to workplace bullying. One thing I wish I had done differently (which might have ended the bullying) is I would have told this woman that I don’t appreciate being talked to like that the first time she crossed the line. In other words, I would have stood up for myself, regardless of the consequences.

Workplace bullying is of course different from school bullying, but it can be worse in some ways, because you get your money from your job, and that affects every other aspect of your life. I would say that the workplace bully is motivated by two things: either they perceive you as weak, and are still immature enough to act on that, or they perceive you as a threat, and try to get rid of you.

10

Retaliation is the right answer when at school. I was bullied relentlessly from 8 to 13 and did not retaliate. The teachers were useless. The rest is history.

11

There’s an intermediate step between going to the authorities (which fails if the bully’s status makes him immune to punishment) and a Chimpy Beatdown. That, my friends, is the internet classic Luau.

Failing that, find a copy of George Hayduke’s Spite, Malice, & Revenge and, if nothing else, enjoy the fantasy.

But you didn’t hear any of this from me.

12

Here is a link that I got from the SDMB in a different bully thread.

There is a load of great info there.
I tried many tactics when I was a kid and was being bullied. Retaliation worked, but only for a limited time span. The bully may stop for a month or a week but they would come back. Maybe it is because I went to fairly small schools.

13

Sometimes, maybe rarely, going to the authorities actually does work.

When my daughter started high school, she was about 4’ 10". For no apparent reason, when she would walk home, a large 8th grader decided to go after her.

After the second time, my wife, a teacher, had a nice long talk with the cop assigned to the high school. The next time the 8th grader went after my daughter a police car came out of nowhere, the cop jumped out and told the kid this was his one and only warning.

She was never bothered again.

14

Basically the way you avoid bullying is to project confidence and strength. You make social connections with people. When you walk down the hall and see someone you recognize, you give them the “whats up” nod. This identifies you as someone who is on their level, not some untouchable who shouldn’t even be speaking to them. You don’t let people walk all over you. You don’t act like a psycho jerk but you don’t let people push you around. Don’t carry yourself like a rabbit looking to not get eaten. Go to the gym and throw some weights around. If nothing else it will expose you to other people who don’t carry themselves like pussies. Don’t act like so much of a dork. Don’t hang out with mobs of dorks (they attract bullies). Don’t let your mom dress you.

You can’t kick every bullies ass. let’s face it. The reason they are picking on you is probably because they can, in fact, kick your ass.

15

My son can be goaded verbally very easily. He’s a big guy and an easy going one but I think maybe a touch of ADD makes him susceptible to other poeple’s mocking. Anyway. I have always told him to never hit anyone. Never. But in the 1st grade during lunch he had finally Had It. He took the other kid down in a half-Nelson in front of the entire school and was never bothered again. It cost him a lunch suspension but the legend spread quickly.

I don’t like it, but I think a little well timed revenge can go a long way.

16

Another problem with workplace bullies is that they are all too frequently either in supervisory positions or golf/drinking/groin buddies with members of management. Thus reporting them to a supervisor or to H.R. may very well be the fast track to the unemployment line.

17

I had three tormenters when I was in the 7th grade. Confronting one of them would only have resulted in all three of them ganging up. I made friends with another kid who had zero fear of anything. He waited until he saw one of the bullies harassing me, picked him up bodily and threw him across the hallway into some lockers, then put him in a chokehold and told him that if anybody ever bothered me again, he would personally break the kid’s arms. No problems after that.

18

Back when The Darwin Awards had its own discussion board, rather than linking to the Philosophy Board, there was a couple of high schoolers named Paul and Vreya who posted there. Some enormous percentage of their posts consisted of them whining about being the victims of bullies at school. Both of them would have profited from following your advice on several accounts. Vreya, for example, claimed to go to school dressed in “Rennaissance Garb” each day. Paul claimed to be some kind of self-mutilating, power-lifting Gothboi. IOW, they never seemed to learn the lesson of protective coloration. In retrospect, I wonder how much of what they claimed was genuine, and how much of it was exaggerated or untrue. There was a very high percentage of the membership at that board that claimed to be the victims of insane levels of bullying, and all of Paul and Vreya’s posts were greeted with waves of petting and cooing over them that they were bullied because they were so much gentler/more sensitive/smarter/talented/special than the people bullying them. Any attempt to point out that bullies feed on those that give the impression of weakness was shouted down. “STFU! You don’t understand how we have suffered!”

19

Assuming we’re not talking about gangs, standing up for yourself is the best thing to do. I had the usual number of scraps as a kid and took on the philosophy that if I can’t beat the bully he is going to be damn sore for the experience (yes, that came from a movie which I can’t recall). I remember intervening in a fight between a bully and the class clown. For weeks after that I was pushed in the hallway. Finally one day I slammed my books down and hit the bully so hard in the stomach I could hear the air rush out. I was amazed that he was still standing. He managed to tag me once and we went our separate ways. I was never bothered again. That is about how all my scraps went.

20

So I was right… violence is the answer to everything :slight_smile: