It’s one thing to be bullied as a child, it’s another to be when you are adult. I was bullied as a child, for a long period of time and again while in complusory national service (nope, talking to commanding officers doesn’t help) and it leads me to wonder why is it always so.
For instance, I know of a friend who is constantly being bullied by people in her workplace. There are a couple of gossips in the office and they made a big deal of everything she says. People will mimick the ways she talk on the phone and dumped work on her, and made a big deal if she rejected. She basically now have to eat alone. She kept asking me what she have done, and just replying, “The guys you are with are jerks” seems to be inaccurate.
For my case, I believed it saying the wrong things (gossiping, getting too comfortable with the new crowd before they really accept you and etc.) and showing too much of over-reaction to things - those are as good as saying “Shoot me!”
Are there any other practical tips in avoiding being bullied? Or is it a matter of luck, of ending up a place where there the jerks to normal ratio is smaller?
The difference with adults and kids is simple. Maturity level plays a role. If someone who is an adult is acting immature and participating in bullying it is a reflection on them as being immature adults. I find alerting them of their idiocy and simply walking away usually stops an adult bully. However there is the occasion where they are truly incapable of seeing their immaturity and then simply not feeding into their stunts and behavior works for me.
I work with an adult bully. I’ve been nothing but nice to her since day one, but the bitch seems to be bound and determined to pick on me. She’s not outward about it either, so no one really notices too much. No, he chosen method is to make snide little comments just loud enough for me to hear (or others if they’re paying attention, which they rarely are.) Stuff like baking pies for everyone and making a point to serve them at 3:14 (she has another job as a high school math teacher) so when an attorney comes in and says “I didn’t get the pun at first, did you lezlers?” She’ll roll her eyes and say “of course lezlers didn’t get the pun” with a slight giggle. Or make a comment to another attorney about how much everyone in the office loves another co-worker of ours, then say “and lezlers giggles.” Her comments are so subtle that if I called her on them, she could very easily feign innocence and make me look like the asshole. So it just drives me slowly insane.
I take small consolation in the fact that hardly anyone actually likes her. Most people think she’s a pretentious passive aggressive bitch. Of course, no one would say that to her since she manages to intimidate everyone.
I agree with the above poster, generally. Though I would say that if you’re an adult and still are getting fairly regularly picked on, most likely you’re about equally as flawed as the bullies. Certainly people should be able to handle being nice to people who are just inherently annoying and dislikable in their mannerisms and way of speaking–but still you can’t blame them too much if they start treating the person poorly as time progresses.
Might be a good idea for you and your friend to record yourself talking for a day and then go back and listen to it and see if you sound as nice and inconspicuous as you believe.
So, while yes, to some extent who you end up being around might be some of the factor, becoming someone who doesn’t grate on people is also something you need to do.
Seriously? Some theoretical adult mimics the way she talks on the phone, and she lets that *upset * her, instead of simply treating said theoretical adult with the contemptuous disregard that such an action deserves?
Not to say the people around her are okay, because they’re clearly not, but if she’s become the office pariah, I find it difficult to believe that it’s entirely random. Some people may as well paint a target on their foreheads, and I’m guessing she’s one of them. If you expect to be treated poorly, and allow people to treat you poorly, you *will * be treated poorly.
If attorney says “Did you, lezlers?” you can respond with “Who listens anymore? Her mouth is *always *running!” I was in a case like this (3rd hand-listening) and the big mouth accusation can be QUITE effective. The above line, and its variants should be adhered to as often as possible.
just a thot
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I respectfully disagree with you, Sage Rat and DianaG. The only fault that might lie at the feet of someone being bullied is that they haven’t stood up for themselves and called the bully on their immature, disgraceful behaviour. I’ve worked in dozens of offices, and there are certain standards for adults to conduct themselves, and not bullying people you don’t particularly like is expected at every one. Yes, there are people in offices who do really irritating things, but as adults, we can talk to them about it and see if they can change their behaviour somewhat; bullying is not an option.
I left a job a couple of years ago where I was being bullied. It was similar to what you’re saying, lezlers - she wasn’t openly mean to me, but when you’re being bullied, you know it. The one thing I wish I had done differently, and you still have a chance to do with your bully, is to call her on her behaviour right when she does it. I wish I had said to my bully, the first time she said something to me that was over the line, “Please don’t talk to me like that. I don’t appreciate it.”
I’m not much of a target, but my one area that I’m still working on is that I don’t like and avoid confrontation, and with a bully’s fine instinct, this woman I worked with seemed to know that. If I’d stood up to her from day one, I think she would have backed right off of me.
If you feel up to it, lezlers, could you do me a huge favour and try this with your current bully? Stop being nice to her - she doesn’t deserve it. Start standing up for yourself and calling her on what she’s doing instead, and let me know how that goes.
If someone is being bullied by *one * person, that’s probably accurate. If someone is habitually bullied, that means they’re not standing up to anyone, and that’s a pretty significant flaw.
If one is frequently disliked by the people around them, then they should ask themselves why. The problem is never *everyone * else. They have to figure out what *they’re * doing that makes so many people react to them that way.
I’m not excusing the bullies. I’m just saying that you can’t solve your problems by changing *other * people.
I’ve got one of these in my department too. Everybody is her target, from other coworkers to our manager to even our manager’s manager on up. If you’re a new person, especially one who’s in management, she’ll fawn all over you and make herself indispensible. She’ll stop when she realizes either 1) her true self’s been revealed; or 2) you suddenly don’t act the way she expects you to (she’s OCD, btw – anyone who doesn’t meet her “standard” is automatically a target), but only for a short time.
What baffles me is that she’s been written up for her behavior not once, but twice. I got so fed up with her nonstop bullying (and this was after I’d called her on it several times) that I filed a formal complaint. Another coworker did the same the second time. She turned on the waterworks at both meetings saying that they simply couldn’t fire her, she’s a single mom with an asshole ex, etc., etc. Management’s reply? “We sympathize, but we also expect you to leave your personal business at the door. Your behavior is poisonous.”
Since then she’s been sneaky enough not to make a big to-do to anybody. A jab here, a smartass comment there…not as constant as before, but just enough so that everyone knows that she’s she’s either incapable of changing her behavior OR she refuses to do so. As our manager says, it’s only a matter of time that she’ll find her own ass in a sling. Meanwhile, though…ARGH :mad:
I’m sure one of my coworkers thinks she’s being bullied because people try to hold her to standards. Any time anyone corrects her or wants her to fix a mistake, she rolls her eyes and pouts and sighs and generally acts as if she is being oppressed. So while I would never claim that bullying doesn’t happen, I know that it can occasionally be people who refuse to take direction and who don’t want to be there.
My bullying coworker has a version of this. She is a control freak times 1000 who honestly believes that HER way is the ONLY way. If anybody tells her to do something, she shoots back with “I’m not stupid, you know”. She gives me particular grief because I’m a supervisor; in her eyes, she’s not only superior than me, but I obviously talk out my ass because I’m not as supremely organized as her.
I will say, though, that if I needed anybody to organize anything, she’d be the one I’d want. It’s her attitude and mouth that’s the issue. Everyone, including me, lets her do her thing because nobody wants to get into a confrontation with her. I’m one of her particular targets, though, because she knows I reported her. Hey, you gotta do what you’ve gotta do shrug. Short of ramming her head into a wall, that is.
I’ve worked in plenty of offices with bullies and never been bullied myself. Why? Because I know what I will and will not put up with, and if people cross my boundaries I let them know.
The most recent case was when I was an administrator working with a consultant and she would make a point of always calling me by both my first and last names, emphasising the last name, which isn’t the greatest last name in the universe. She would then often giggle to herself.
I ignored it for the first few times, then the next time she did it I said ‘is there any reason you pronounce my surname like that? I’d prefer it if you just called me Sandra’. Wasn’t a problem from then on in.
In lezlers case: “Stuff like baking pies for everyone and making a point to serve them at 3:14 (she has another job as a high school math teacher) so when an attorney comes in and says “I didn’t get the pun at first, did you lezlers?” She’ll roll her eyes and say “of course lezlers didn’t get the pun” with a slight giggle.”
My immediate response to that would have been ‘why do you think that?’. Not in an upset voice, not in a quiet voice, but in a calm, assertive, enquiring voice which conveys ‘i’m genuinely interested in why you would say that and not at all hurt by your comment’.
I tend to think people get bullied because they are willing to play the victim role. They don’t realise that being quiet and not responding to bullying only encourages a bully. The solution is to answer back to the bully, but in an adult way that lets them know you’re not going to play their game.
I’m going to echo some of what sandra_nz has said.
The problem, I think, is that most of the advice you’ll be given really only works if you’re not genuinely bothered by the bullying. If you are, you won’t be able to ask them, in a calm non-confrontational way, to explain their remark… at least not to the right effect.
When you ask “Why do you think that?” it’s delivered in a way that makes it clear you’re asking “What’s wrong with you?” and not “What’s wrong with me?”.
That’s true. We have an older gentleman in my department who gets the worst of it. He never says anything, but he shakes and turns so red after one of her tirades that he looks as though he might have a heart attack.
He’s often asked why he never responds to her. He claims it’s because he was taught never to hit a lady, and although, in his opinion, Bullying Coworker isn’t a lady by any means, there are standards he lives by.
I’ve got my own issues with Bullying Coworker’s behavior that echoes behavior I grew up with and still haven’t come to terms with. That’s why I try to steer clear of her unless it’s absolutely necessary. When I’ve confronted her, it’s taken every ounce of my willpower to phrase things akin to what sandra_nz described. The issue is, it sticks to Bullying Coworker for a few minutes, then it’s as though nothing ever happened and she goes on her merry bullying way.. THAT is what infuritates me to no end.
:rolleyes: Of courseLaughng Lagomorph doesn’t get the pun!
And featherlou, I wish I could fullfill your request, the only problem is we work about 2 feet from each other. If I wasn’t nice to her, I’d be the one who looked like a bitch. She’s very smart at what she does, you’re not even aware of it unless you’ve been a target (and there’s been a few) or you’re around her enough to see her do it to other people, which, most people around work aren’t. It’s also hard to come up with a witty retort to many of her comments since they’re so quick, and she says them in such a friendly tone that I usually don’t even realize I’ve been insulted until it’s too late to respond.
We have a mutual friend who regularly says “yes, her comments are mean spirited and she can be a nasty bitch, that’s just her way.” Drives me nuts.
Maybe I should start a new thread asking for witty comebacks instead of continuing to hijack this one…
I see quite a difference between being nice and being a doormat for someone elses dirty feet.
Standing up to someone doesn’t mean being agressive and confrontational, you can still be nice when you communicate that you’d rather this person didn’t say these things about you.
This is something I’ve noticed about people who are bullied (and I’m not directly this at you, Lezlers, as I don’t know much about your situation) - they see standing up for yourself as meaning ‘being mean to that person because they are mean to me’ when it doesn’t, it just means asserting yourself and letting others know what your boundaries are.
Some might think I’ve been bullied at my work place.
My coworkers love to tease people. We thrive on humor to break the tedium, and from the day to day (and even hour to hour), the targetted coworker can change. I’m frequently a target, but it rarely bothers me. This is due primarily to my thick skin (a lifetime of teasing toughens you up) and healthy sense of humor (I simply cannot take myself seriously). I figure that teasing is their way of showing that I belong and that they like me.
Occassionally, though, they’ll do something that gets under my skin. Like pat me on the head when they know it annoys.
That doesn’t excuse your friend’s coworkers of downright meanness. But it is quite possible that they don’t know their ribbing is hurting her feelings. Does she send across mixed signals? Like, does she laugh or smile at the things they say, when she should actually be telling them to knock it off ? Has she noticed other coworkers being teased or is it just her? If others get made fun of, does she ever participate? If so, then her coworkers may see this as giving them permission to get on her.
I think eating alone is only going to make the situation worse, unfortunately. By separating herself from the “gang”, she’s basically showing them that they’re getting to her. The gossip will only escalate (guess who gets talked about when she’s not in the room). The guys will continue to mock and tease, not to be consciously mean, but because that’s the only way they know how to relate to her. And by keeping herself away, she’s telling them that they suck. Which they probably do, but no one wants to be told that.
My tips that I’ve picked up through the years, dealing with not-so-nice coworkers:
Don’t sweat the small stuff. If it’s not really hurting your feelings that someone’s making stupid faces while you’re on the phone, forget about it. And if behavior can be attributed more to stupidity than malice, forget about it. Save your responses for something big.
Don’t let shit slide. If someone DOES get on your nerves and you know she or he is intentionally bothering you, say something. Don’t laugh. Don’t smile. Don’t apologize. Just tell them point-blank: “Stop.” If it helps, add: “I’m not in the mood today” or “I’m having a bad day, and you’re not helping.”
Seek out an ally. Find the person in the group who doesn’t really participate in all the teasing and befriend them. Or at least be nice to them. Ask them to do a favor for you…that usually makes people like you more because you’re given them your trust. An ally will stick up for you if gossip steers towards you, and if the teasing becomes too intense, the ally will notice it and make everyone stop.
Don’t worry if people are talking about you behind your back…unless it has professional implications. Yeah, gossip is annoying and personal gossip is even moreso, but you can’t control people’s thoughts and nasty habits. I know my coworkers have talked about me behind their backs, but what am I going to do? Demand that they stop? That’s unreasonable. All I can do is be as pleasant and as nice to them face-to-face as I can possibly be. What they do when I’m not in the room is their business, not mine.
