Ah, I see the problem.
3.14 and 3:14 are not equal.
lezlers you can tell your witchy cow-orker that a pedantic friend of yours who scored in the 94th percentile on the Math section of the GRE pointed out that if she wanted to serve the pie at a time that actually corresponded to the value of pi she should have served it at 3:08:24.
Bullying, at least by duly authorized superiors, is a recognized necessity in military basic training.
I’m still walking on eggshells around him–as is everyone else in the lab–but I suppose things are better than they were a month ago. Thanks for asking!
Snerk. I love it.
I hear if you kick someone’s ass the first day you’re in there, they pretty much leave you alone from then on.
You don’t need to be nasty to someone to stop being nice to them. You just act like they aren’t even there, or give them the barest minimum of courtesy. And you don’t need any witty retorts, either, to stand up for yourself - just say (even come back later and say it, if she’s that smooth with the nasty comments) - “I didn’t appreciate what you said to me earlier today.” Actually, probably one of the worst things you could do would be getting into a battle of witty comebacks. If you simply say how you felt about what she said, she can’t really argue against your feelings. She can deny them or minimize them, but you know what you felt, and you can just stick to that.
Here’s a sample exchange:
Lez - “I didn’t appreciate the way you spoke to me earlier today.”
Bullying Bitch (BB) - “It was just a joke. Jeeze, don’t you have a sense of humour?”
Lez - “I have a great sense of humour. What you said earlier was mean, not funny.”
BB - “Yeah, whatever.” (rolls eyes.)
Lez - walks away. You’ve said your piece, and you know she’s not going to agree with you anyway. Repeat as necessary.*
And your mutual friend who regularly excuses this behaviour is not helping at all. Nobody has to put up with being treated badly, and BB’s bad behaviour is only her way because everyone lets her get away with it.
*My husband says this is like slamming your head against a wall. He says that if she continues to say mean things, your response should be, “Fuck off.” You can try both ways and get back to us. 
People will quite often show affection for each other by teasing each other. People who are overly sensitive to good-natured ribbing will often come across as hypersensitive pussies, uptight jerks or psychos.
I still don’t get it. What does pi (and the pies) have to do with you?
Here’s another sample exchange:
Lez - “I didn’t appreciate the way you spoke to me earlier today.”
Bullying Bitch (BB) - "That’s because I was MAKING FUN OF YOU! HAW! HAW!!
Lez - “Well if you do it again I’m going to head-butt you in the freakin’ ovaries”
Bullying Bitch (BB) - “Oh…okay then…”
Look, there’s a whole art to making someone look like a jackass. Basically, most people’s problem is that they are worried about looking like a jerk or an asshole. It’s ok to be a jerk or an asshole sometimes.
You generally have a whole toolkit of options at your disposal, including:
Clever one liners
:mad:feigned or exagerated offense (“I can’t believe you just said that…”)
Ignoring them (also called the silent treatment)
:rolleyes:Rolling the eyes or other indicators of contempt
:rolleyes:The dry “yes…that’s very clever…”
:rolleyes:The “everyone, let’s stop for a second and listen to what [biatch] has to say…”
:dubious:The “how about you shut up so we can get to work?”
:mad: playing the race/sex/ethnic card (“I get it. You baked those pies because I’m BLACK!”)
:smack:and if all else fails, a good old fashioned ass-kicking.
Basically, you want to be “cool”. Demonstrate that YOU set the standard for what is acceptible and don’t allow other people to dictate your behavior. It’s not just ignoring someone (which can be perceived as weakness and doesn’t really prevent them from making jokes at your expense). It’s about providing subtle clues that say “you’re beneath me and you’re making a fool of yourself”. You throw off the timing of their “jokes” and the “bully” seems an unfunny and innappropriate buffoon.
Oh lezlers, her “little remarks” are the perfect opportunity for you to OH so subtly and with giggles all around, put her in her place.
When she does the pie/pi thing, and says “oh of course lezlers didn’t get it”, You answer “oh no (fake giggle giggle) I’ve just seen **giggly stupid woman’s **“puns” so many times before, I don’t notice them so much nowadays”.
"did you call me **giggly stupid woman **? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention, did you want me for something? The trick is, that you have to be OH SO sweet and innocent yourself, and sound OH SO sincere.
Hmmmmmm, sounds like that should be a much bigger consolation, if everyone is aware of what she is, they’re likely aware of how she’s treating you.
I had a coworker who for some reason decided to be a disruptive jerkoff while I was givign a training presentation. More because he’s a freakin Flintstone than out of maliciousness. Still, I was forced to cut him down with a number of hillareous one-liners that eventually forced him to leave the room. “Hey! You should show this much motivation in showing up to work on time!” or in response to his assinine question of “Hey so what’s all this about anyway?!” something like “well, I was going to explain it over the next 45 minutes, but let me save time and get right to your question.” to finally “Dude! Will you please just shut the fuck up!?”
But anyway, you don’t just deal with specific bullies. You decide how you deal with PEOPLE in general. Do you let them push you around? Do you push them around? Are you a facilitator or a dictator? I find that by treating people with respect and demanding they treat you with respect goes a long way in warding off bullies.
No it’s not. In my experience it’s just being too nice, which is far preferable to being too assertive or aggressive, and I for one would much rather people be like that.
Me, I just go on the offensive. If someone made that comment about me not getting the pi/pie reference, I’d probably say, dripping with sarcasm, “Oh, ya got me! Sorry I’m not up on my diameter to circumference ratio references. BTW, those math jokes are HI-larious. They really get folks rolling in the fucking aisles. Ya know, people around here love you for your outstanding sense of humor. You are SUCH A CARD!” Then the followed by :rolleyes: .
If she gets offended at this, I’d give her the “What? I was just joking around! I thought you had such a great sense of humor, can’t you laugh at yourself?” Yeah, it’s passive-aggressive and not really my favorite way to be, but sometimes you fight fire with fire. Definitely do not get upset. Lately, only blood relatives can upset me with taunting, or people who actually have power over me, like my former boss, but those are other threads entirely.
Can you give an example of ‘being too assertive’?
Figure out why do people think you’re a target
Any time people do something that truly gets on your nerves, say so. If it’s a remark and you think you may not have understood it in the spirit in which it was delivered (Dad was great at deadpan, but if you didn’t know him, you never knew when was he joking) say so.
Don’t make a threat you’re not going to follow through.
If you’re witty, use that wit - but not in a barbed way, you don’t want to become a bully yourself.
It’s not as though there’s no middle ground between being a bully and being a doormat. Being either one is a flaw.
[QUOTE=lezlers]
I work with an adult bully. I’ve been nothing but nice to her since day one, but the bitch seems to be bound and determined to pick on me. She’s not outward about it either, so no one really notices too much. No, he chosen method is to make snide little comments just loud enough for me to hear (or others if they’re paying attention, which they rarely are.) Stuff like baking pies for everyone and making a point to serve them at 3:14 (she has another job as a high school math teacher) so when an attorney comes in and says “I didn’t get the pun at first, did you lezlers?” She’ll roll her eyes and say “of course lezlers didn’t get the pun” with a slight giggle. Or make a comment to another attorney about how much everyone in the office loves another co-worker of ours, then say “and lezlers giggles.”
**Her comments are so subtle that if I called her on them, she could very easily feign innocence and make me look like the asshole. So it just drives me slowly insane. **
QUOTE]
Generally my advice is to do something that (1) communicates that you don’t give a crap what she’s saying, but (2) draws attention to her being a needy, weird person what makes snarky little remarks.
Ignoring does that first, but not the second.
Option 1 is to say something that makes clear that you heard her but aren’t following what she’s saying. If this is done with a straight face, it will communicate that you don’t really care what she’s saying, but will force her to try to clarify, which will make her look dumb:
Examples:
(1) I’m not following you (said with blank expression in an emotionless monotone that suggests that you are making fun of her)
(2) I’m still not clear on what you’re saying (ditto)
Option Number 2 is to treat her like a little kid who’s being annoying. You’re noting her behavior but not treating it like a big deal. This is a little more aggressive than option 1.
(3) Jane, I think there might have been a nice way to say that (said in a sweet tone indicating patronizing concern)
(4) Jane, you always say the sweetest things (said in low key tone of humor)
(5) Oh, Jane, you are such a card. Honestly, you slay me.
Option Number 3 is to start pointing out her neediness more directly. She’s saying things to impress people, and you can draw attention to that.
(6) Jane, you’re so funny. You’re like a comedian, but you don’t have to be funny to get us to like you. (Said with a concerned voice, as if you are really her friend, and sincerely telling her that she doesn’t have to try so hard). [Credit to Tyler Durden in “The Game” for this one]
(7) Jane, I’m sorry. Are you feeling bad that we’re not paying enough attention to you? Hey everybody, let’s all give Jane a hug! (again, said sincerely, not with annoyance.
Another option is to make fun of yourself, and outdo her.
Lots of good advice in this thread.
Confronting bullies without being disrespectful or losing your temper is probably your best bet.
I’ll let one or two snide comments from a coworker slide, but I usually try to nip that kind of behavior in the bud – bullies gain confidence once they find out they can get away with picking on you without repercussion.
Like lezlers, I once had a coworker who seemed to enjoy putting people down with subtle remarks or backhanded compliments. After he tried this a few times with me I took him aside and asked him nicely to stop the insults and show a little more respect.
Of course he denied any ill intent, but he certainly began acting a lot more courteous around me afterward.
One of my supervisors is a bully, at least with respect to her female employees. She used to talk down to me and criticize my work all the time, even though I’m more productive than most people in our group. One of the cumulative publications for which I’m responsible needed to be revised – previous editors made a real mess of it – so I spent a full day editing it. When I showed her the results of my work, the first words out of her mouth were “why didn’t you do this a year ago?”
Without even thinking I shot back, “A year ago? You mean, back when you first assigned me to this publication with absolutely no training or background information and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing? Do you really think that was the optimum time for me to undertake a project like this?”
Her response, “oh, well I guess that’s true.”
Evil Boss doesn’t bully me now that she knows I won’t put up with her crap. Unfortunately she’s now moved on to an extremely anxious and timid coworker who’s too scared for her job to fight back.
I always admired Ellen Degeneres’ approach:
HER - “It was just a joke.”
YOU - “Well, then you didn’t do it right. If you had, we’d both be laughing.”
I’ve always admired the Southern way of handling assholes.
Look straight down your nose at them and say
“Well, bless your heart.”
Then walk away.
It’s practically an epidemic in Western society these days. A common instance is asserting every single individual right one is entitled to, to the maximum, instantly, with no regard to circumstance or that you are trampling on the rights of others.
As an example, there was a thread here a few months ago complaining that healthy people were taking a building’s only lift to travel one floor, causing serious inconvenience to less mobile people. Several posters asserted that there was nothing wrong with this as they have the right to use the lift to go one floor, there was no law saying they couldn’t, and anyone who thought otherwise were the problem, not them.