Lately I’ve noticed that I have to deal with a lot of people who have really bad social skills. I mean people who can’t take a polite conversation-ending hint. Also, people who respond to direct statements such as, “it’s been nice talking to you but I have work to do,” by laughing and launching into a new topic. So far in life I have been the type to feel guilty when I see someone gets that embarassed look when they realize that they’ve been barking up the wrong tree.
Are you assertive? I have come to suspect that inside some people’s heads, they know they have a perfect right to talk or not talk when they feel like it and that how other people feel about that is not their problem. I admire that.
I could use any tips about how to be more that way. Especially from people who started out feeling like they had to protect other people’s feelings at any cost and transformed their thinking so that they no longer feel like it’s their problem.
There is a world of difference between “assertive” and “rude.” The behaviour you describe is in the latter category, and is not something you should either admire or try to emulate.
While I’d like to think I haven’t traveled to the other extreme end of the spectrum, I have definitely become a lot more assertive, and confident in general over the past year. How I did it, I honestly couldn’t explain, aside from saying that it was mainly because I haven’t had a choice. In order to succeed in my job, I have to stand up for myself, and I can’t be afraid to say what needs to be said. And after doing it a few times and not getting laughed out of the room, the subsequent times have just gotten easier, and more graceful.
Well, my husband has gotten more assertive over the years, particularly in things like ending conversations. He realized that people will still like him if he doesn’t let them take advantage of him. In fact, they usually like him more, because they respect him more.
My advice to you is to use physical cues as well as verbal cues. I’m guessing that you say “it’s been nice talking to you but I have work to do” but that you continue to look at the speaker and pay attention to him, signaling that you are still engaged in the conversation. So, after you make that statement, turn away from the speaker. Look back to your work and start doing something.
If the person is in close proximity, interrupting them with “Your breath smells.” and walking off quickly will give them something to think about for a while
Like everything else that is worth mastering, it is going to take some practice.
I know that seems daunting, but I assure you that I used to be a meek, wilting little flower who let everyone walk all over me. Now I’m an old battle-axe and nobody, but nobody, walks on me.
The good thing is that you can practice in the comfort of your own home, if you have someone who will let you practice on him/her.
I recommend that you and your friends/partners/siblings run a few drills, practice on each other.
I also highly recommend reading Miss Manners. She has wonderful advice for handling situations such as the one you mentioned. You will come away understanding that being polite does not mean being taken advantage of.
Here is an excerpt from *Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior * that may help you:
Dear Miss Manners:
I agree with your theory about how to say, “No.” But I have tried it, and I just can’t stop after that one word “No.” It sounds curt. So to cover that, I go back into all that complicated talk, and get myself right back into the trouble I am trying to avoid. Help! Can’t you give me a modified version of “No” that isn’t so short?
Gentle Reader:
“Oh dear, thank you so very much, I would simply love to if there were any way I were able, but it’s absolutely impossible, and what a terrific shame that is because I would so have enjoyed to, and you were so very kind to have asked me.”
Ugh, my boss is like that. He will talk your ear off. At first I thought he was just on Meth but have been told otherwise. I learned a long time ago, that you have to just break off the conversation.
“Hey that sounds interesting, but I gotta go finish something quick. Tell me more about it when I get back.” Turn around and then run.
This works once in a while, but sometimes he’ll actually come looking for you later to finish his story. Which is why I now wear headphones :).
I just zone out. Occasionally I slip an absent-minded “mmmm” or an “uh-huh” in there so as not to shut them down with complete mercilessness, but I make sure I look as bored as I feel. My eyes will drift to whatever it was I was doing prior to being accosted, and I’ll clearly be more involved with that than the person jabbering my ear off. Let’s face it: Some folks need to get a clue. I’ve considered being completely forthright; but “You BORE me,” is a tad churlish. Also, the face-sparing dodge (“hey, that’s a riveting topic, and I hope we can continue this scintillating dialogue after I go take an hour-long dump”) only encourages the Cliff Clavens to return once they think they can make you a captive audience again. So, with blatant cruelty on the one hand, and ineffective kindness on the other, I have opted for the middle path: Calculated passive agressiveness. Assertive? No. Effective? Very.
You need to look at it from another angle. So far, you are worried about coming across as rude, and hurting someone else’s feelings. That’s very nice of you, but the other person doesn’t share your concerns, because basically what they are saying to you is: “I don’t give a shit if you want to hear this, I’m going to say it anyway”, and the subtext is: “I matter, you don’t”. It doesn’t matter whether this is intentional on their part or not, the upshot is that they are being rude to YOU, and hurting YOUR feelings.
Most people can take a hint, and will be careful not to do the same thing again, but for the genuinely self-obsessed, the only thing that will get through is directness. I have a friend and colleague who is firmly convinced that her needs are more important than anyone else’s, and who sometimes needs it forcefully pointed out to her that other people are just as important to themselves as she is to herself. I’m sure she often thinks I’m rude, but I don’t really care: I’m not so rude that other people have to bring it to my attention. Be firm, and break eye contact. Move away if you possibly can. If you can’t, and they persist, don’t think: “Oops, now I may appear rude”, think: “How rude of this person to put me in this position!” and be suitably outraged.
You have a choice: possibly hurt the feelings of some incredibly thick-skinned person who can’t take a hint, or be a doormat
At work, I usually just turn back to my screen and start typing.
My staff also knows that if somone is BSing too long at my desk, they should ask me for “help.” I do the same for them, but make it an option, in case they are enjoying the chat “Hey,when you get to a breaking point, pop over.”
When I’m not at work, I’ll say, “I hate to be rude, but I have to leave now.” And then I leave.
Actually, I have the opposite situation. My roommate can be an asshole sometimes, and when I go to say something, 1/10 times, I get cut off with “I don’t care” or “shut up!”
My solution was to continue saying what I was saying. I’m a big boy, and don’t need to be told to shut up like that.
He continued.
So I said one day “You know… you’re only a few months older than me. When you say that, am I just supposed to shut up because you told me to?”
We used to have a client who would call at random times and NEVER SHUT UP. My boss tried putting the phone on his shoulder and slipping in the same “mmmm” and “uh-huh.” Unfortunately, he snapped back to conciousness one day when the client replied “Do you really think so? Do you really think I should?”
I think one of the primary ways to be assertive is to focus on staying in the “I” mode. In the case of a co-worker lingering and chatting endlessly while you have work you want to complete: say something like “I’ve enjoyed talking and now I have this work to do. I’d be interested in talking about this some tomorrow.” Remember you have no control over them but complete control over you.
In the case of being assertive about your needs in a meeting, especially one in which decisions which will affect you in some capacity: Be prepared with the facts. Anticipate quetions others may ask and have your answers ready. Know what you want to take away from the meeting going in. Nothing increases your confidence more than feeling that you have a good understanding of the issues being discussed. And it follows that it is usually more comfortable being assertive stating your needs if you are confident.
Avoid being aggressive or even giving the impression you are attacking others. First of all, this is not the behavior you are after, and secondly, it makes others defensive. You want the end result to be people appreciating your assertiveness, even when your ideas prevailed over theirs. Assertiveness is a negotiation technique; aggression is about battle.
Assertive behavior is open, honest and forthright. If it doesn’t leave you feeling like that, well, keep practicing. If you are uncomfortable being assertive you may have to suspend that feeling and just jump in and try. And I think it wise to pick the things you want to be assertive about. Let’s face it – sometimes the end result does not really matter. Know when it does and when it doesn’t. Don’t be someone who is “on” all the time. It will be tiring for you and irritating to others.
Like TellMeI’mNotCrazy said earlier – it does get easier. Eventually it even gets fun.
Well heck, I thought it was pretty clear, but I guess I should try again:
In the OP, pokey describes people behaving very rudely, labels it “assertive,” and says, “I admire that. I could use any tips about how to be more that way.” To which I replied, “There is a world of difference between ‘assertive’ and ‘rude.’ The behaviour you describe is in the latter category, and is not something you should either admire or try to emulate.”
