Help me be more assertive. I mean, if you don't mind...if you have time...

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m a business owner with a staff to supervise. Most of my employees are 10-15 years younger than me and look to me as a teacher and mentor as well as a boss. I have a hard time with being the bad guy when I have to.

I have a business partner who’s about 10 years older than me and male (I’m a woman). When we’re in meetings together, I tend to defer to him and he usually ends up doing most of the talking. He’s not domineering–it’s just kind of the way it works out.

In my personal life, I have the same problem. I don’t like confrontation and I tend to be the quiet type. I’m smart and capable, but I second guess myself all the time. I think it comes down to being afraid of taking a stand and being wrong, which I know is stupid.

So what advice do you have for me? I was raised to be “nice,” to not say anything if I don’t have anything nice to say, to be self-sacrificing and put others first. None of those are bad traits, of course, but they can be taken to extremes. How have you/would you overcome this sorta thing?

Thanks!

2

First realize that you have to put the business first before anyone else. The only people that should be your friends are the ones that also want the business to run well.

That is not to say that you should be a cold hearted prick. Happy employees will do a better job than disgruntled ones. They will also be more loyal and stay around longer.

Just remember that a job is a two way street. If you are nice to your employees then they should be nice to you. That includes following your orders without any childish resistance. If anyone does this, then you don’t want them with you. Since you were nice to them, and they didn’t even respect your authority, then they don’t deserve to work for you.

Ask your employees to do whatever you feel the business needs them to do. In the end you are responsible for the business and they are responsible for earning their paycheck by doing what you want them to do.

Don’t think you are being mean. This is your right as the business owner. It will go smoother if you know the reasons behind the things you are asking your employees. It will get easier with practice.

3

I don’t know about your situation, but I find that in many cases where people ask for help they already know what they need to do, they’re just afraid to do it. So, what’s stopping you from doing it?

4

Good point. Yeah, I hate conflict. And that bad habit of second guessing myself translates into “I really shouldn’t have gotten mad about that.” or something along those lines.

Being passive is comfortable. It’s what I’m used to, and it puts responsibility on others. If I don’t assert myself, I’m not accountable for the outcome. Of course, then I don’t have any right to bitch about the outcome or to take credit.

5

Become a single mother. After ten years, you will be a badass mofo. I don’t recommend it, but it worked for me.

Actually, it was more likely that the more successful I became at being independent and competent, the more self-confidence I had, and the assertiveness grew out of that. So yeah, I think confidence is the key to speaking up when you know you’re right and not backing down out of fear or doubt. Do you have low self-esteem, or are you new at being a boss and/or having a career in general?

6

It’s an old old book, but I always recommend Don’t Say Yes When You Want To Say No and I’m sure you could pick it up second hand.

Another book I’d recommend is The Disease To Please by Dr Harriet Braiker.

I’m recommending books, because I think you need to understand the negative aspects of your passive behaviour, in order to give you a reason to become more assertive. Both these books contain lots of ‘real life’ examples of passive behaviour and hopefully you will be able to related to some of them.

Also, many passive people confuse assertive behaviour with aggressive behaviour and start acting aggressively, which naturally backfires on them, thus reinforcing their passive behaviour. Both of these books discuss the difference between assertive and aggressive, again, with examples.

From earthlingcommunication.com (which I’d recommend you have a browse through):

Assertiveness is a behavior or skill that helps you to communicate, clearly and with confidence, your feelings, needs, wants and thoughts, whilst acknowledging the needs of others. It means that you are able to state your opinions without feeling self-conscious, as well as being able to express your emotions openly. Being assertive will enable you to make clear to others how you wish to proceed in all aspects of your life. At the same time you will value others, respecting their right to an opinion as well. Through effective, assertive communication you will be able to express how you wish to move forward.

7

Hi, I’m Troy McClure, star of such videos as “Get More Confidence, Stupid!”

8

New to being a boss, and low self-esteem, although I’ve made a lot of progress on that front. “I could never do that” has been replaced more and more often with “Yeah, sure, I can do that.”

sandra nz, thanks for the reading suggestions. That’s always helpful. The aggressive/assertive thing is something that worries me because I know that’s a risk, so having some guidance like that will be good.

One of my friends pointed out that I qualify everything I say “a little,” “kinda,” “sometimes.” I hadn’t noticed it before, but he’s right. I do it all the time. So I’m making an effort to not do that anymore.

9

I understand about the second-guessing oneself. I am a secondary level teacher, and if anybody questioned me about my classroom, or discipline issues, I would level them without a moment’s hesitation. But…I’m trying to start a jewelry business as a sideline, and if anyone asks, “How much is this necklace, bracelet, etc.?” I freeze, and mumble, and nearly have cardiac arrest. It frustrates me that I can’t be more confident. I think it’s because I care too much what that person thinks of my pricing/designs/jewelry. :frowning:

10

Yes! Caring about what other people think is what trips me up. Worrying that I’ll come across as stupid, bitchy, greedy or whatever. It’s fear of making mistakes. I work in a creative field, where mistakes are part of the process–and my employees should be unafraid of making them too. So I guess I need to go first on that one.

11

Everyone should learn to ask outright for what they want and take no for an answer. Women tend to have trouble with the first, men with the second.

12

Couple shots of hard liquor before work in the morning usually does it for me.

13

You can avoid a lot of eventual conflict by being extremely up front and specific about what you expect from somebody. If you leave it to employees to decide what and how they do things they’ll go for what’s easy, just the same way you do. So first off you tell them what you expect. I spent a bunch of time as a supervisor in a call center and I found that team meetings were great for this–I could tell everybody at once how I want my team to function and what will ensure a team member gets raked over the coals. Basically, you want to put people on the track to success with you, so they’ll have to work at it to get out of line.

When they do get out of line, correct it fast and simply. I’d walk around listening to my people and whenever I’d hear something I didn’t like I’d just catch their eye and cock an eyebrow or shake my head at them, or make “chill out” gestures–basically I just wanted them to think I was ALWAYS listening. If that doesn’t work, or if it’s something you discover after the fact, just bite the bullet, pull the employee into a conference room and make it clear without being mean, “Employee, I listened to a call of yours and you were very short and rude with a customer. This is not acceptable. Let’s listen to the call and I’d like you to tell me how you could have handled it better.”

Which leads to follow through. If you’ve made your expectations clear and you observe an employee not following those expectations you MUST enforce. Politely, firmly, unequivocally–and you have to be ready to escalate if the employee doesn’t fall in line. Never lose your temper, allow the employee to give their side of it, but NEVER back down on your expectations. YOU are the boss, THEY need the job, and you can find somebody else to do the job if necessary, don’t ever forget this.

I found that if I put every new employee on the right track from the beginning and corrected mistakes quickly and simply without a lot of drama most people found it much easier just to do it my way. When they do well, hand out the attaboys and praise, thank them for their work, give incentives if you have the means–make it very carrot oriented but keep the stick in a noticeable spot where it’s impossible to ignore. For the few who just would not or could not straighten out I never hesitated to drop a ten ton anvil on their heads. I don’t like firing people, but sometimes it’s necessary. No person I ever fired could say that I didn’t let them know it was coming–I’d work with them, I’d give them performance goals and a firm timeline for improvement and I was totally upfront about what would happen if they didn’t get their shit together.

Being assertive as an employer is just basic respect–nobody likes to work in an environment where they aren’t sure what the rules and expectations are, and such environments breed chaos and unhappiness. You’re doing your employees a favor by improving your assertiveness skills–look at it that way and you might find it easier to change your habits.

14

I have much the same problem (in my personal life; I’m not “the boss” at work). FTR, I’m male, aged 40.

For me, it’s a case of ‘taking the path of least resistance’, or perhaps, ‘making the *minimum *required effort’.

It’s so much easier to just wait around for other people to tell you what they want, and then just do it. It frees one from the burden of having to make any decisions, eliminates the possibility of ‘doing something wrong’, and ensures that whatever you do will make other people happy (because you are doing what they want).

At least, that’s the theory.

In practice, it doesn’t quite work that way though, does it?

Try to look at it this way. You are an intelligent person; you know how to do your job. You are a ‘good’ person who wants what is best for yourself and the people close to you, whether co-workers, or friends and family. So whatever your wishes are, it’s more than likely that they are ‘good’.

In a business setting, you must have skill and knowledge, or you would not already be in the position you are today. There’s no reason to believe that suddenly you’ve ‘forgotten’ how to run a business; you must have done ‘the right things’ to get where you are, so it stands to reason that you will keep doing ‘the right things’ going forward.

In a personal setting, you have friends and family; people who are close to you. You don’t want to ‘upset them’, so you don’t assert yourself. But why would they get upset if you *did *assert yourself? You’re not a complete jerk; you don’t **want **to do things that are going to cause discomfort to the people around you. So if you do what you want, then you won’t upset them, because you will do things that are ‘good’.

Except, of course, when you don’t. Nobody’s perfect, and you will do something stupid, or thoughtless, or just plain incorrect. And that’s why you have friends, and business partners. They are there to ‘look out for you’. They are there to catch you when you make a mistake and say “hey, you might want to reconsider that”.

It is disrespectful to treat others the way you are treating them. It tells them that you don’t have faith in them to treat you properly; you don’t trust them to ‘take care of you’. It may seem like you are being “nice” and “self-sacrificing”, but really you are being selfish. You are making everybody else put their necks on the line for you, and take responsibility for *your *life. You need to take responsibility for your own actions, and trust the people around you to **help **you, instead of making them live your life for you.
I’m sorry if I seem to come off a bit harsh. This is actually a subject that I am struggling with in my own life right at this very moment. This post is as much ‘self-therapy’ for me as it is advice to you.

Good luck to you,

SP

15

Wow, SmartAleq and Suburban Plankton, thanks–great advice from both of you. And a good perspective shift.

This made me laugh a bit though:

Cuz it sounds like me, giving the “tough” talk (that isn’t, but feels that way to me, and then apologizing. :slight_smile: It was really helpful advice, and you didn’t come off as the least bit harsh. Thanks you.

And Throatwarbler Mangrove (sure I’m spelling that right?) I’ll keep your suggestion in mind if any of this stuff doesn’t work for me.