Wasting the shmoe’s time is fairer to the other poor schmoes who make legitimately earned bucks who would (at best) have their time wasted by the scammer or (at worst) be fleeced by the scammer.
I’m not suggesting that you have some sort of civic obligation to mess with the scammers, but if you choose to do so it is, on balance, a good deed for the day and certainly nothing to feel guilty about.
IMO the best thing you can do to them is waste their time, that keeps them from scamming others while they wait on you. I tell them that I need to go get some paperwork/turn on the computer/whatever and then put the phone down and go back to whatever I was doing. They have waited up to 10 minutes for me. One or two actually called back.
That reminded me of another call I got, from one of the “car warranty” scammers. I jacked him around for a few minutes saying I had to take a pot off the stove, feed the cat, etc. Finally, when he asked for the model of car to be warrantied, I told him “1989 Trabant”. Would you believe the jerk hung up on me?
I always seem to get those “We’ve noticed your computer has been infected, please log in now and follow our directions” calls on my cell phone when I’m no where near my computer.
I usually play along saying “yep, okay, did that, now what” while I’m driving or standing out in the street watching the kids ride their bikes with their friends.
After a while I’ll start talking jibberish “Did you say click it or cluck it? I think I clucked it. I’m sorry, hold on, the mouse ran off again. I did hit the start button but nothing happened, do you think I have a bad starter? Hod on a sec, I’ve gotta put more paper in my keyboard.”
I even put them on speaker phone once and had all the neighbor kids come over and talk to my new friend.
I’m always amazed how long they stay on the line, try to stay on task, and are oblivious to the distractions.
“Hello, this is XYZ calling for Ulf.”
“This is Ulf. Did I request this call?”
“Sir, I’m calling to inform you of our great new offer–”
“I must inform you that I charge $75 per hour or fraction thereof to listen to unsolicited calls. Before you get started with your spiel, please give me the name and address of the person to whom I should send the bill, also any code I need to list on the invoice to ensure I get paid promptly–”
That usually does the trick. I did once have a guy who tried his best to remain on the line. Under intense questioning from me he let me know that his company was based in Canada, then Toronto, then downtown Toronto. When I said “Yonge Street? Bloor Street?” he finally decided he’d better hang up. Never did get my $$.
Disclaimer: I didn’t read the whole thread.
Usually with any telephone solicitor, I just interrupt as soon as possible and say, “Thank you so much for the offer, but I’m not interested,” and immediately hang up. I’m never rude, because back in college when I was really broke, I did some phone calling for a while, and anyone who is doing that job is probably at the end of their rope emotionally and financially and I’m not going to be the one to push them over the edge.
But back when you got lots of calls wanting you to switch your phone carrier or your ISP, I had some classics…
One was that I couldn’t switch my ISP because I have this new boyfriend and he works for AOL <or whatever> and he’d never forgive me. They got that right away.
Sometimes I’d say that I couldn’t switch my carrier because I’ve taken a religious vow and it would make God mad. That usually shut them up, because it wasn’t in their script.
The best one was when I’d say I’m entering a cloistered convent tomorrow where I’ll be completely shut off from the world, and won’t be needing a phone or a computer any more. I’d say this with great excitement and joy in my voice. No one *ever *knew how to reply to that one.
That Relesha shtick is priceless! 
I have some suggestions:
When the caller makes his/her pitch, and says your name, pretend to be someone else and start crying hard; say “[person named] died a month ago!” Cry bitterly. “How could you bring that up!” Embarrassed caller will apologize and hang up immediately.
Al Jaffee suggested the “Cosa Nostra Ploy.” Sound tough as you say, “Da boss don’ like a meeting interrupted an’ he’s gonna send a couple boys over t’have a little chat wit’ whoever is responsible!”
Agree to what they’re selling, burt make all kind of remarks about being insolvent. They’ll avoid you like the plague.
Sorry. The browser posted the same reply twice.
Sounds like malware. Open a new browser window and type . . .
My standard response is to ask if they can hold for a second, then just put the phone down and ignore it. But nowadays, most telemarketing calls seem to be robo-calls and there is nobody to piss off.
Occasionally, I get a call from a police charity. I’m still trying to work up the balls to start yelling, “A cop killed my brother last month! You filthy pigs!!..” and yadda yadda yadda. Wish I could pull that one off.
When I was working in real estate, we’d tell them to call back and ask for “Mr. Meoff. First name Jack.” About 50% of them would do this before realizing what they said.
For copy machine and computer calls, I would say emphatically “We do NOT have such a machine. In fact, we think owning them is part of a governmental conspiracy to keep track of every aspect of every second of everyone’s life. And you are part of that conspiracy. Admit it…” and go on as long as I could, getting louder and louder until they hung up on the crazy lady.
Y’all are hilarious. A few honorable mentions:
Made ME laugh!
Brilliant. Another corker!
I used to do that too, but decided it’s probably better not to piss off scammers and telemarketers. After all, they might have a button for “Call back, this one sounds promising!”
Hah!
tears.
LOL
FTW
Those are the ones where I do just set the phone down and continue working, and hang it up when it clicks. Doing my little part to slow down the robo call, with little possibility of causing any harm.
I don’t bother with those telephone scamsters, I’ve got great opportunities coming in by e-mail. Like this one today:
*"I am Mr. Douglas Adams a business consultant to a prominent Saudi Arabian from
the Royal Family. My client is seeking for a confidential and credible
foreigner, company or person with whom he can jointly invest with.
My client has Thirty Five Million United States Dollars (US$35,000,000.00) with
a reliable Finance House in abroad. Due to his public nature hence I have been
given the mandate to source for a credible person.
This is the proposal in summary:
[1] He wants these funds to be invested by a reliable person / company whom he
can front without publicly disclosing his identity due to his public status.
[2] The funds will be moved/transferred to you inconspicuously through his
Charity Foundation here in US.
[3] You will be entitled to 5% of the funds, which shall cover any initial
expenses you may incur during the transfer process while you shall assist to
invest the remaining 95%
In summery all that is required is your willingness to receive and invest 95% of
the fund under profitable business or investment, which shall be decide later." *
Ha, what does this guy think I am, some kind of sucker? I’m gonna hold out for 10% of the 35 million, plus I get to invest all the funds in Jackmannii Futures LLC.
I will be rolling in loot.
Hey, can I have a piece of that? I want to be rich, too.
I say “Oh, is the the sex hotline returning my call? Role-playing like a telemarketer – that’s cute. What are you wearing?” I’ve even had a few that thought it was amusing, and were tempted to play along a little bit.
I can’t be accused or charged with harassment or anything that I say, because they are the party who called me.
You answer your phone? How cute.
I never ever pick up my land line unless caller ID tells me its someone Im waiting to hear from. Friends only email or text. But good luck with that too cuz I dont turn my cell on unless Im expecting a call.
But Oy! the door to door solicitors are thick in my neighborhood. If Im outside working in the yard and one comes up to me and asks if Im the “Lady of the House”, I look puzzled and shrug, “Lady no home!” and go back to what Im doing. Eventually they leave.
I don’t have a land line anymore. I also don’t answer my cell phone unless I recognize the number. I’ve changed my cell phone message to *“Hi, this is Thelma. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you. If this is a business call or if I don’t know you, and you want a call back, please tell me why you’re calling. Thanks!” *
I don’t get bogus calls from people, as a rule, but I do get those recorded robo-calls, “Hi! This Bob from account services!” I don’t know what comes after that, because I hang up immediately. I figure those calls are the ones where the machine just dials one number after the other until it connects.
Re not turning your cell phone on unless you’re expecting a call: since I now just have the one phone, I always have mine on, but often I will turn the ringer off. There’s no need to turn the phone off. There is the ONE call that you might not be expecting but that you absolutely DO NOT want to miss. Sometimes unexpected good things happen and unexpected devastating things happen and turning your phone off cuts you off. The person who is trying to reach you may not have the strength to email when they’re lying in the wreckage of their car or sitting on the curb at night doubled over in pain. When I turn my phone off, turning it back on will show missed text messages but not missed calls. Turning off the ringer means you WILL see who called when you check your phone from time to time.
A few weeks ago, I had someone with an Indian accent call me and say that when I was in WalMart last week, I had filled out a sweepstakes ticket, and what do you know, I had WON!! (I had not been inside a WalMart in several weeks, and had never filled out anything there.) I knew this was going to be some sort of scam, so I began SCREAMING into the phone at the top of my lungs, “I won? I WON? OH MY GOD I REALLY WON?” over and over. I heard him put his phone on mute, and after a few moments I asked if he was still there?
He cautiously replied that he was, so I started screamin again, “WHAT DID I WIN? WHAT DID I WIN? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW!!!” He muted his phone again. I’m sure he was telling his co-workers what an idiot I was. Again, I asked if he was there, and he proceeded to tell me that I had won an all expense paid vacation…
I interrupted him, screaming again, “A vacation? I won a VACATION? I haven’t had a REAL vacation since 1986!!! OMG OMG OMG I can’t believe it!!! Where am I going…”
He interrupted ME and said ma’am, are you really excited or are you being… um… what is the word…"
And I said, “well why WOULDN’T I be excited if this is ligit you piece of shit?” and hung up.
My throat was scratchy from the yelling for a couple days, but it was worth it.
Best. Ever. Comeback.
I got this from a friend of mine. I’d been getting tons of calls from one specific number. It had called so often I’d come to recognize it and was bitching about on FB. The friend responded and said, “try this: ***‘It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere.’ ***”
This deeply appealed to my dark side. Yes, I do worry about myself from time to time… 
So, the next time it rang with that number, I motioned my cubemate over. She’d been aware of what had been going on, and had enthusiastically volunteered to do the dirty.
In a gritty, breathless voice she mumbled the above. The person on the other end may have given themselves whiplash hanging up. We screamed with laughter long enuf that a couple of cuberats came looking for whatever had cracked us up so bad.
Funny, but they never called me back after that. :D:D:D:D
In your best Ernest Angely voice, ask then if they’ve accepted “Jeee-zusssss-uh” as their personal savior… then start reading to them from the book of Revelations.