My dad used to pay me a quarter a minute to waste their time when I was six.
This story is awesome. I will warn you though, she’ll probably still be getting calls after you’re dead. I still get calls for the office manager who left 10 years ago, even though I tell every. single. caller that she’s been gone for a very long time.
I also get calls for our IT manager who left 5 years ago. He got all kinds of junk calls, and it’s never really slowed down that much since he left. However, his job kind of absorbed by a lot of people – including me – so there’s no more “IT manager”. (We’re small.) This flummoxes their scripts.
“May I please speak to <IT Manager’s Name>?”
“He’s no longer employed here. What do you need help with?”
“Oh, may I speak to your IT Manager?”
“We don’t have one.”
“Oh… can I get the person in charge of purchasing technology for your company?”
“Most people at our company can purchase technology – we’re small. Are you selling something?”
“Oh no, of course not! We just need information from your IT Manager.”
“Well we don’t have one.”
“Then I need the person who has his position now?”
“Technically, I’m the person who took his position but I’m not IT Manager. IT tasks have been distributed throughout the company.”
“So you’re in charge of all your company’s technology purchases?”
“Nope. I really don’t do any purchasing.”
“Who is in charge of that?”
“No one person is in charge of that, it depends on what it is.”
“Uh, I… could I talk to the person in charge of purchasing network equipment?”
“Why? We’re not buying anything.”
“I just need to talk to the person in charge of networking equipment.”
“Several people handle networking here and they’ve all made purchases.”
Repeat for many iterations, as they will never admit it’s a sales call or tell you what they want. It’s always “they want information” or it’s a “survey” or they want to know about our satisfaction with products (that they didn’t sell us). But they won’t tell you what because they can’t ask anyone but their target. And I won’t give them a target, or anyone’s name, because then they’ll call back with that name. It just goes on and on until I get bored and end the call.
Oh, another one. We used to be plagued with guys giving free industry magazine subscriptions out. They needed to “confirm” it with us. I’m guessing it was data mining for more cold calls, as they always wanted things like extension numbers and email addresses, as well as getting up circulation numbers to sell ads. They tried pretty much every employee at the company until they got a firm no from each person.
One guy just basically refused to take these calls, but the people WOULD NOT STOP until they reached him. No matter what I said, including to stop calling us and put us on the no-call list, would work because they insisted that only the person on their list could make that call. This would have been merely annoying but they started calling more and more often. First once a month, then once a week, then a few times a week… finally getting to the point where they were calling 4 to 5 times every day. I don’t know if they were trying to make a quota or what, but it got annoying as hell.
Finally, the calls went like this:
Caller: “May I please speak to <Name>?”
Me: “Is this regarding <name of shitty magazine>?”
Caller: “Uhhhhh… yes.”
Me: “Then no, you can’t. He’s told me he does not want to speak with you. Ever.”
Caller: “Is there a time he would be available?”
Me: “Nope, he will never be available for your call. Put us on your do-not-call list, bye.”
They would often call right back after I hung up, or wait ten minutes. Over and over and over and over. For like a month. I couldn’t even pretend to be the guy since I’m a lady. I begged the guy to just take a call and tell them to fob off so I could have my sanity back. He wouldn’t do it.
Finally, my (male) boss got mad about it and decided to handle it himself. They called once when I was hanging out in his office. I recognized the number. He smiled and picked up the phone (on speaker) pretending to be the other guy, and absolutely REAMED the people about wasting our time. It was truly glorious to behold. He just went on and on for like twenty minutes, just absolutely berating them mercilessly. Demanding all kinds of information, asking them why they are wasting his time after they’ve been told we’re not interested, asking who in their company he needs to contact to get this done and for them to stop harassing our staff, saying he’d never have interest in a publication so terrible they need to resort to these tactics. Usually I have some pity but seriously, these people were just the worst.
I get the Indian scammer from Microsoft telling me my wife’s computer is generating error messages, but I have never had more initiative than telling him “it’s a Mac you fucking crook” and hanging up.
Rachel/Heather/Ann from Credit Account Services calls me two or three times a week, but I usually just answer “lick my nutsack you ass-licking whore” in a calm, pleasant voice until they hang up. I’ve tried the “just a minute, I have to get my wallet” and then putting down the phone until they hang up but that is not as much fun.
Regards,
Shodan
I’ve never messed with an actual scammer, but thought I’d share an amusing story anyway:
The yellow pages telemarketer calls up and tries to sell me on their services. I usually try with these people to be polite when I hang up, but this guy just keeps going like I’m not even there. So I think “If he’s going to ignore me, let’s see how long this goes.”
So I put him on speaker phone and go back to work. Periodically, I say “Yeah” or “Uh huh” but give him no other reinforcement or encouragement as I let him talk for forty-five (yes, that 45) minutes. Finally, he’s out of scripts to read and has to get an actual decision from me. This is the first time he’s actually let me get a word in edgewise. At this point, I say “Like I tried to tell you at the beginning of this, I’m not interested. Have a nice day.”
(There was one valuable lesson I learned though: If you let them talk long enough, the discounts get better and better. If I ever wanted to buy from the yellow pages, I figure that 25 minutes of hemming and hawing should get me a 60% discount over their initial offer.)
At that point you probably could have gotten him to pay YOU per month for the privilege of carrying your ad in the yellow pages. Maybe come to your house and wash your car and mow your lawn, too.
Aside and unrelated: I HATE the way there are different “yellow pages” now put out by different companies. WTF is this Yellow *Book *thing? My revenge is that I immediately throw them all away and look up any needed numbers on the internet. Thank you. Carry on.
“Lying in the wreckage of their car” ?? They better be calling 911, not me! :eek:
I dont fancy myself that important that I need to be in 24/7 contact with the world. Now that I work for myself and by myself I have the luxury of concentrating on what Im doing and screw the interruptions.
Shouldnt phones be a convenience? Somehow they’ve become the constant nagging demanding interlopers. The Amish seem to manage just fine w/o them in their homes.
Not convinced. My cell stays off unless Im expecting someone. If they call the landline, voicemail can pick it up and Ill check to see if its important when I feel like it. “Dont call us. We’ll call you.”
I have several friends who have unlimited long distance and think I have unlimited time to listen to them. Sometimes it is a relief to pick up the phone and it is somebody I can hang up on.
My daughter once worked at a call center so I have a bit of sympathy. But this thread is mostly about scams and that’s a different case, one I have no sympathy for. As a matter of fact, I got a call just this afternoon from a woman claiming to be from Microsoft technical center. She had a slight Indian accent. I asked her if her mother knew she was a thief and hung up. I think I got this line off these boards.
Wow this thread was educational. I didn’t know about the fake appointments and other scams. We don’t get the computer problem or card services scam here, but we get a few people calling random numbers (probably from China). I might try the “put the phone down and see how long it takes for them to hang up” trick next time.
I’ve been having so much fun reading these! Dopers are way more creative than I am 
Yeah, telemarketers I have more sympathy for (and I usually just say “No, thank you” and hang up, or – if there’s a pause when I pick up the phone, and I don’t recognize the caller ID, I’ll assume it’s a telemarketer and hang up). Scammers… well, now I have some ideas about what to say to them…
Just this morning I had a call from a guy who wanted the expiration # from my CC, so that he could lower the interest rate.
I like using a variety of techniques to string them along, so I did the “can’t understand English very well” routine for a while. Then left him hanging while I went to look for my card. Then asked him to repeat everything he had just said. Then I had to look for a pen and paper (played candy crush on my phone for 5 mins.). He was still there after that, so I played him a bunch of fart sounds from my daughters ipad.
All in all, I’d say I got at least 15 minutes out of him, so I would call it a successful waste of his time.
Would you give me your number so I can forward any scam calls I get? I like your style. 
You should be taking your anger out on the owner and high ups not poor people working at call center that hardly can put food on the table.
If one of those “poor people” were paid minimum wage to break into your house and steal your belongings would you be so forgiving?
Fuck them.
They’re filthy thieves not some poor soul.
If you haven’t seen the “Wolves of Wall Street” then watch it. Should we feel sorry for the people working the boiler room? Maybe there is an order of magnitude but it is all the same con. To hell with them all.
About a month or so ago, I got a call from a fake collection agency on my cell phone. I didn’t answer because I didn’t recognize the number, but then they called me at work saying I hadn’t paid off a payday loan and was going to be arrested on charges of check deposit fraud. Regrettably, it is true that I took out a payday loan a few years back to help me out of a little jam, but it was paid off in full, and I made the caller aware of that fact. She then asked if I had a checking account number so they could verify that the payments had been made. I said, “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen” and hung up. While I was talking to her, I Googled the number and found numerous complaints about them trying to scam people.
There were a couple other people working in the office with me that day, and as I was explaining to them what had just taken place, she called me again saying how we must have gotten disconnected. I put the phone on speaker this time and told her that I had, in fact, hung up on her. The rest of the conversation was as follows:
Caller: So you’re admitting you hung up on me? Are you prepared to tell this to the authorities?
Me: First of all, you are in no way authorized to have me prosecuted. I told you the loan was paid off and I can prove it, so show me something in writing or please stop harassing me.
Caller: Well, you’ll have to tell this to the authorities when they come for you.
Me: Look, what you’re doing is highly illegal. And just so you know, I’ve had this call on speaker the whole time and there are a handful of witnesses here. Guys, if you want to say hi (the rest of the people in the office say hello into the phone). So you can stop calling me and we can forget all about this or else I’ll do what I need to do.
Caller: OK, well…
Me: click
Haven’t gotten any calls from them since
Had a phone company lady call me once, selling call waiting, caller ID, etc. I asked “will any of these features let me block annoying telemarketer calls?” She harumphed and said “no”. I told her I wasn’t interested, and please put me on your do not call list.
I have used the “put me on your do not call list” line for every telemarketer call for the last 15 years. I got them frequently until I started saying that. The calls dwindled quickly and within a month or so, they practically disappeared. I probably only get a couple a year now.
(Paraphrased, as time dilates memory.)
Hello?
-(Young male, heavy Indian accent.) Hello sir, this is Windows Technical Services, and we have are calling because we are detecting a very high number of viruses which may be harming your comput…
OH MY GOD! Is this about my pornos?!?!
-(Slightly shocked.) I, uh… Don’t really know, but… Well sir it seems that your internet security is compromised, you have many viruses, and hackers may be…
Are you telling me that hackers are stealing my pornos?? Sir these are very important to me, I need my pornos VERY BADLY…
-Well sir it seems that you have the trojan horse virus, that make your computer vulnerable when you are making the online purchases…
So what is going to happen then,? Sir, I need to make sure that I have LOTS of pornos every day, different pornos…
-Sir, it seems you are verrry vulnerable, I am going to transfer you to my supervisor, and he will be able to assist you further…
Oh, thank you so much! I cannot believe these thieving bastards, trying to deprive a man of his hard-earned pornography!
-(Very awkwardly.)Okay sir, thank you…
-(Smooth British-Indian accent, very cocky and smug.)Hello sir, my co-worker was telling me your situation is VERY serious, I am glad that I am here to help you.
Yes sir! Oh my god sir! Thank you so much, your colleague just told me that hackers are trying to steal my pornos!
-(I can HEAR this guys face tighten into a crooked smirk.) Yes sir, it seems your credit cards might be compromised…
Oh no! Man… This is serious then! I really hope that this won’t cause me any trouble getting my pornos, ho, man! I really really need the pornos every day, sir!
-Sir we are going to do our best to make sure your computer is virus free, and fully operational, I am glad that we are going to be able to help you.
Oh, wow thank you! Do you think that you guys will be able to find the hackers, I mean, somebody REALLY has to do something about these guys… I mean… I can’t believe… My pornos…
-Okay sir, first we are going to have to do a diagnostic test, are you at your computer now?
No sir, I have to go downstairs, I live in my mom’s basement. (Get up, do a few laps around the room, sit back down.) Okay sir, I am turning on my computer…
-That’s is good, sir we will start to help you right away…
Ho, thanks! It really is running slowly these days, it takes a LONG time to start, and my pornos don’t look so good nowadays, and I tell you sir, I LOVE my pornos, I don’t buy the cheap ones, sir. I buy blu-ray, the good stuff, you know?
-Oh that’s very nice sir, yes, very good… Has your computer arrived into windows yet?
No, no, not yet, but I tell you, man, I NEED my pornos, I need different pornos every day… White girls, black, Indian girls. Two girls, three girls, you know what I mean?
-Oh yes sir, we will do our best to help you…
Okay, I know it’s kind of old, but I have Windows ME, are you going to be able to help me with this?
-Oh yes sir, our system shows you are windows ME, that is the one I use myself, actually. Very good program…
Oh, wow! That’s nice, do you like to watch the pornos, too?
-(Laughing uncomfortably…) Well, sir, I uh… Well, some of the times… Ha ha… (trailing off…)
Okay! Hey it’s started, so what should I do? Man, I can’t wait to get back and see some new pornos! Hey, I bet you know Priya Anjali Rai, eh? Ehhh buddy?
-(Laughing again.) Well, yes sir, she is very nice, but let’s start to now fix your computer…
Yes! Let’s do that! What do I have to do sir?
-(I can hear this dude’s saliva hitting the desk in torrents.) Well sir, first you need to go to windows start menu, and open up the “run” command…
Done and done, what’s next?
-First sir, you are going to type in A… S… S… O…
(Unable to contain my laughter at this point.) Sir, if you were trying to spell ASSHOLE, you got it wrong, it has an H! You stupid fucking prick! Fuck you! click
It has been about 4 or 5 years now, they have never called back since.