Ladies and Gentlemen, please behold the glory that is my root beer. Cover the eyes of your children, shoo away the pets, and make sure Grandfather has taken his heart pills. Do NOT look directly at the root beer, for you shall surely be smoten if you do so.
Today is the first day back from fall break. Extremely bored last week, myself and a friend went to the grocery store to pick up stuff for dinner. Lo and behold, what did I find but root beer extract! What’s this it says on the side? Mix one bottle of extract with 4 and 3/4 gallons of water, 9 cups of sugar, and some yeast. Bottle immediately, and brew for 7 to 10 days at a temperature between 75 and 80 degrees.
I made half a batch. 24 bottles. One 6pack of Honey Brown, one of Saranac, and two of Natty Lite down the gullet, wash the bottles, and keep the caps.
As the brewing progressed, the look of the root beer bottles became critical. I’ve never seen glass swell before, but I’m pretty sure the bottles were swelling. Over the course of a week, three bottles exploded. And I don’t mean no stupid little pfloop hey look the cap popped off! No no, I’m talking about actual full bottle-smashin shard-flinging explosions.
Half of the case was sampled on Saturday. Not bad, but I think I put in a bit too much yeast. It tasted great, slightly buzzy, very carbonated, but smelt of rising bread dough. As long as you didn’t sniff right after you finished sipping, it was okay. Even if you did, it wasn’t disgusting or anything. Just imagine a mouthful of fresh bread and birch beer. Yeah, kind of off-putting.
Anyway, the rest of the bottles are still brewing, and will be drank at a root beer party tomorrow.
If I could, I’d mail some to ya. But I caint. Maybe if this really takes off, I’ll start a bottling plant and become a conglomerate or something. Really though, at that point, I probably wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about you little people. I’d be too busy with my geishas and concubines and big steaming smattering piles of money.
jb
