I just wanted to thank all the parents in this thread for their perspectives. I’m one of The Pregnant Dopers[sup]TM[/sup]. Who knows what the Beansprout will turn out like. But it’s nice to know that if he’s “difficult,” it won’t necessarily be my fault.
sorry, GreenBean but in your case, it would be your fault…
:d & r:
You got that right sistah!
I only have one kiddo (so far), but the personality she came out with is exactly like she is today…hasn’t changed one iota since I first saw that slimy little face.
Once a clingy attention hog showboat, always a clingy attention hog showboat.
I can’t wait to have another! 
Sorry for not responding – this is the much-abused OP. I knew I was running the risk of sounding arrogant but I was trying to remain brief by not explaining ad nauseum. I also knew I wasn’t expressing myself particularly well but I threw the topic out there anyway.
To clear some things up, I am the father of said baby. I never meant to imply that my son is one of those mythical “perfect” babies that parents are quick to brag about. He had serious breast-feeding issues that resulted in plenty of screaming and unhappiness for the first month. He has never approached sleeping through the night. He’s up 3 or 4 times a night without fail and hopelessly awake at the crack of dawn (somehow the spawn of 2 vampirish night-people). He refuses to nap and often dissolves into screaming when he’s too tired to think. He also has an attention span of about 5 minutes and it’s hell trying to have him occupy himself long enough to attend to any needs – food, bathroom or otherwise – sadly, there are things that still require 2 hands to accomplish.
But like I tried to explain, as a new parent, I have to go on what other, more experienced people say. They say he’s happy. He’s been a challenge at times but we’re certainly not pulling our hair out either. From what I can gather, he’s a relatively happy baby on the grand spectrum of things. My girlfriend and I often tell ourselves we’re very lucky because I do understand that some of it is luck.
But some folks here seem to be saying that it’s pretty much set at birth, which is a bizarre idea to me. If my baby’s happy so far, guess I can stop trying now? Why do we try to be better parents if it’s mostly in the luck of the draw? It just sounds rather absolutist to me. Are unhappy babies destined for a childhood of unhappiness, for a life of unhappiness? There’s got to be some kind of middle ground for us to share.
I wasn’t asking for all of the credit and I certainly wasn’t (can’t emphasize this enough) trying to lay all the blame on the parents of less-easy babies. I just wanted it acknowledged that good parenting helps (emphasis on the helps) to make happy babies. (Never thought I’d have to defend that sentence as a controversial statement.) Of course I know that my next child might be much harder. But to say that there’s no way I could adjust as a parent and still find them some measure of happiness is like saying I can’t make a difference in my child’s life. And I refuse to believe that. I don’t expect both my children (planning on 2) to be easy or exactly alike, but I do absolutely believe that they will be happy and well-adjusted. So I guess I’m taking that responsibility and I guess that sounds like arrogance. Sorry.
And I don’t think I’m alone. In the other poorly-developed part of the OP, I tried to explain that most folks we’ve met in their 50s and 60s (grandparent age, I suppose) seem to be in my school of thinking. What do the grandparents in your lives think? Maybe I’ve just had a skewed sample so far.
I apologize to those parents of difficult kids who took offense. I don’t know you and can certainly pass no judgment. But even you have to admit that there are certainly people out there who love their kids, have the best intentions, try their hardest and yet remain bad parents. It’s what the therapy industry is based upon, right?
Maybe it’s all just confusion over my use of words like happy, difficult, miserable and the like. Ask for further clarification if interested. I usually have a couple of hours to myself after the baby (finally) passes out. Thanks for reading again.
PS to JillGat: yes, the 2 parents at home is a Western invention, but unfortunately, the nuclear family seems to be too. We don’t live near any immediate relatives so 2 parents is just the best we’re able to do. I’d much prefer more grandparent involvement (passing the wisdom down and so forth) but circumstance prevents it.
I got a happy baby. On eBay.
I think you hit it on the head when you suggested the difficulty of using words such as “happy.” Or “easy.” Especially when the observer is basing their statement on a limited snapshot of the kid and the entirety of your family dynamics.
IMO, the happiest, easiest baby ever, nevertheless increased the stress level of the family it entered. We could all tell stories of kids who appeared to be completely beatific while they caused costly damage or created messes for their overstressed folks to clean up. The “easiness” of a baby may have to do with something so basic as its eating or sleeping schedule. When the kid gets older, he can simply say he’s not hungry, or ask for a snack. But the baby just fusses, refuses food, and makes a mess with it when not hungry, or screams sooner than you expect him to be hungry.
Moreover, a good portion of a parent’s perception of their kid as happy or cranky depends on the parent’s personality and their selective memory. Some people are wired such that all memories fade in comparison to the time junior threw a fit in the mall, or shat on the wall when you tried to change her. Others dismiss such unpleasant aberrations, dwelling instead upon how cute their darling looked in a certain outfit, or the time a stranger complimented the baby in the supermarket.
And we each have our individual standards. I’m sure we’ve all had the experience where some parent is berating their kid seemingly out of proportion to their kid’s misbehavior. But we don’t know everything that may have taken place prior to the incident that set the parent off. On the other hand, haven’t you heard parents glow about their sweet little spawn while you are thinking you would like to throttle that little beast?
We also haven’t addressed the universal law of babyhood - namely, kids always act like angels for their grandparents. So YOUR folks get to say helpful things like, “I don’t know why you say little Johnny is difficult?! He is always a joy to be around.”
Enjoy your family. And when people say you’re lucky to have such a baby, just graciously accept what is intended as a compliment or pleasantry. Heck, you don’t go around disagreeing with folk when they say you look good today, do you?
I think this is where you ran into problems in the OP:
[[And take a little responsibility: if your child is miserable and unhappy, it probably has something to do with your parenting. Sorry if that means that some of you 30-somethings are poor parents, but that’s reality.]] Although even if you hadn’t said it, others would have seen this implication (judging those with “less happy” babies) anyway.
The other problem with the OP was that you clearly, repeatedly claimed to have CAUSED a happy baby by your parenting.
This is obviously simplistic. In my opinion, this sounds especially absurd when we’re talking about a child who is 5 months old.
Older people may respond differently to your baby because they have some distance (amnesia?) from their child-rearing experience, not because they are more experienced in childrearing than younger parents.
Anyway, good luck to you and good for you for being committed parents and loving your baby.
Agreed. One of the main issues here may be age. As I stated in my post, a child of your son’s age is just getting into the stage where he interacts/perceives/reacts to the world and people around him more and more. At this point, he is probably still expressing his natural temperament. You can attempt to assist him in whatver ways you can, but he is probably still in his “this is the way I am” stage. As he gets older, his behavior may change or be modified based on yours, through mimicing and being more reactive to his environment. At that point, yes, your paretning style may become very important in his development. However, I would venture to say that you’re still talking 50/50, rather than a time when your parenting skills alone are shaping your child’s personality and future.
Well, it isn’t SET at birth, but inborn temperment accounts for a lot.
My oldest is adopted, and as part of the adoption we took a lot of classes on institutional delay and attachment disorder. These are fairly extreme situations that occur (you’d have to be a really BAD parent to see them - and they don’t result in fussy babies as much as babies who strangers comment are very good because they never cry - of course they don’t, they’ve learned it does no good!) when children don’t get interaction and don’t form a trust relationship with their caretakers.
Some children withdraw terribly under these circumstances. Their adoptive parents spend years correcting the impact of this early lack. Another child - even another child in the same crib at the same orphanage with the same caregivers, will be just fine - never show any signs of attachment disorder or institutional delay.
Also, five months is young - many people believe a baby who has been institutionalized will generally do fine if you get him into a stable, attentive family situtation before six months - although this is not true in every case - once again, the baby’s own temperment seems to be a huge factor in recovering from this sort of situation. (I’ve seen adoptive parents jump through hoops to help recovery - unsuccessfully - and others do nothing other than provide a loving home and have no issues).
What we do as parents is help our children deal with their temperment. For me, that means teaching my daughter to keep her temper in check. It means teaching my son he needs to stand up for himself. With good parenting (and luck) I should get two functional, happy, pleasant to be around, adults when I’m done.
Too true, I’m afraid. Considering his ancestry, it’ll be a bleepin’ miracle if the Beansprout doesn’t turn out to be a whining, squalling, cranky, pain in the patootie! 
Also, I’ll apologize now for what, I’m sure, is going to be a rambling post.
As a forty-something new parent myself (GrizzCub was born a little over 18 months ago and is a wonderful child, thankyouverymuch!), my advice is to revel in the glory that is your son and bask in the warmth of the adoring throng.
My son is a happy child , not afraid of people 
, and generally has a smile for anyone who happens by:D .
As some here will remember, GrizzCub is a surviving twin (his sister was only with us for three days) and so every new milestone is poigniant. So, I’ve learned to appreciate all of the kind words that are given in praise of my boy.
People who approach you when you’re out are seeing him through the eyes of a “fellow parent” who perhaps have seen a side of their own children that isn’t so pleasing. They comment on the good-naturedness of your son and just want to be in his presence because it makes them feel good! If it makes them happy to see your happy son; and if you’re happy about his good disposition, then some joy is spread all around.
So in that light, whether it’s good genes or good parenting is moot!
I’m sure that being good parents plays a great deal in the disposition of your child. But I think that we all feel that nurture alone doesn’t account for 100 percent of it.
Be proud of your son, Dad.
Also, I’ll apologize now for what, I’m sure, is going to be a rambling post.
As a forty-something new parent myself (GrizzCub was born a little over 18 months ago and is a wonderful child, thankyouverymuch!), my advice is to revel in the glory that is your son and bask in the warmth of the adoring throng.
My son is a happy child , not afraid of people , and generally has a smile for anyone who happens by:D .
As some here will remember, GrizzCub is a surviving twin (his sister was only with us for three days) and so every new milestone is poigniant. So, I’ve learned to appreciate all of the kind words that are given in praise of my boy.
People who approach you when you’re out are seeing him through the eyes of a “fellow parent” who perhaps have seen a side of their own children that isn’t so pleasing. They comment on the good-naturedness of your son and just want to be in his presence because it makes them feel good! If it makes them happy to see your happy son; and if you’re happy about his good disposition, then some joy is spread all around.
So in that light, whether it’s good genes or good parenting is moot!
I’m sure that being good parents plays a great deal in the disposition of your child. But I think that we all feel that nurture alone doesn’t account for 100 percent of it.
Be proud of your son, Dad.
First off, congratulations on having a happy child!
Dominic was an extremely easy baby. Everyone said so and it was true. Most people who knew us never saw him cry. He didn’t cry much. He was always good at playing with things on his own and had a great attention span (watching an entire movie [on tape] quietly at age 1, for example)
At this point in my life (he is now 6) I think that we are good parents. For the first year, though, I know that I was not. However he was happy anyway. It was just in his nature.
(btw, http://www.dominicgalen.com <—go look at him and ooh and aah over how wonderful he is, ok?)
(btw, http://www.dominicgalen.com <—go look at him and ooh and aah over how wonderful he is, ok?)
Ooooooooooo!!!
AAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Baby CUTE!
What an adorable kid, Opal!