From the cecil column linked above:
Definitely a good rant. It had buildup, great plot, repetition of comedic elements. I give it an 8.
That column by Cecil quotes the law “…improperly used as a label…”
A cunning plan springs to mind. As long as you are sending the “payload” within the envelope, it should go through since the envelope is not being “used as a label”. Scrap sheet metal would fit the bill nicely but it might be too much trouble to cut into envelope size. What else could be sent that would be:
- Heavy
- Flat
- Unpleasant without being a biohazard/explosive/anything else that will lead to a visit by the FBI. ?
How disappointing. A few weeks ago I got sick and tired of feeding Capital One envelopes to my shredder (a powerful model that can swallow envelopes whole). I called their customer service number and spoke with a nice gentleman who asked for my mailing address and assured me that within six months the flow of junk should cease.
I was vaguely concerned that he was either reading the newspaper for five minutes before telling me all was good, or he was sending my name to a department that deals harshly with folks such as myself. I guess I’ll know in six months.
Barclaycard are starting to piss me off. I’ve started getting a ton of letters all extolling the joys of owning a Barclaycard Visa card. ‘Sounds good’ you say, ‘whats your problem?’…
Well I’ve already fucking got one. Can’t they pull their heads out of their arses long enough to check their own databases before sending these frigging things out? They’ve pissed me off to such an extent I’m in the process of arranging a damn balance transfer…
Many, many, many years ago, a co-worker was selling magazines for a school fundraiser for her kid. I was a new kitty mommy, so I decided to order Pet Life. I thought it would be cute to order the subscription in kitty’s name, since the magazine was for kitty.
Since then, she has been pre-approved for several credit cards. She was also a finalist for the TEN MILLION DOLLAR prize from Publisher’s Clearing house, received tear-jerking letters from PETA and the ASPCA, and has been invited to join prestigious organizations such as the Handyman Club of America and the NRA.
She’s a very important cat. I always show her mail to her and ask her if she’s interested, but she has yet to see a compelling offer. Perhaps if they were to send her free samples of kitty treats…
Shit, we’re still working on getting my cats to chase the little feather on a stick without running into walls. If only they could get their own credit cards and pay their own bills…
Ava
If I could just train my cats to shred my junk mail wih their sharp claws…FREE CAT LITTER!!! 
I get those pre-approved offers.
I wonder how many people don’t read the fine print?
$49 activation fee
$79 annual fee
$39 application fee
etc. Hell, you can have over $200 in charges before you even get the damn thing!
That would SO rock if your cat won The Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. I can just imagine the look on the people’s faces from the Prize Van when they’d show up at the door asking for Kitty.
Yeah, they never preapprove you for a card that has no annual fee, no activation fee, no “security deposit,” or a low interest rate.
I have a Capital One credit card and I love it. Why? I have a $200 credit limit. Every month I max it out and pay it all off. Because I max it out every month, they won’t raise my limit. I have the world’s worst fiscal policy and the world’s worst self control, hence “normal” credit cards could be the end of me.
(holds up Gold ** I swear to god ** Capital One Card to camera and smiles 
)
Sperfur, Married…with Children had the same plot in 1988 with http://www.bundyology.com/hpg/216.html Buck the Dog. It’s a good one.
There’s something patently wrong with paying $200 a month on one credit card.
You’re an idiot for buying into their scheme not once but multiple times.
Capitalism at its best, if it weren’t for financial-intelligence challenged people like you these companies and business practices would not exist.
What a numbnut!
I suppose you think anarchy is a much better way to run things, right?
Hinten: You’re an idiot for buying into their scheme not once but multiple times. Capitalism at its best, if it weren’t for financial-intelligence challenged people like you these companies and business practices would not exist.
Of course, the reading-skills challenged people are a bit of a burden too. Since you don’t seem to have picked up on it, what the OP was actually doing “multiple times” was ignoring the offers of credit cards that CapitalOne sent him. That counts as displaying pretty good financial intelligence in my book.
Or perhaps you were just choosing to pick on the OP for his confession that he went through “a rough patch” with credit card debt “a number of years ago”, and taunt him for the earlier mistakes that he has now regretted, paid for, learned from, and successfully avoided repeating? If so, then I withdraw my earlier remark: you’re not reading-skills challenged, you’re just an asshole.
First USA once pre-approved a horse.
I know, cuz I took the call. Nice cowboy guy with pleasant West Texas accent. "Ayuh, m’am? Ah don believe mah horse NEEDS a cridit carhd… "
I habitually make credit card payments in the hundreds of dollars. (I’m almost done paying them all off! Yay, me!)
But late last year for a total of TWO MONTHS I decided to make minimum payments and spend those hundreds of dollars on myself. (Hey, I was down to two grand from twelve. Thought I’d reward myself a bit, ie - got some maintainence done on my car that needed to be done.)
Sooooooo… At the end of that time I ask for a higher limit. OF THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS. BIG WHOOP.
They said NO because my “history” of “only” making minimum payments. HUH??? For over a YEAR I’ve made payments averaging $300!!! Fuckers. Fuck you. Fuck you and you’re goddamned Universal card!
Soooooooooo… the month immediately following they bump my limit on their own a grand and send me a congratulations letter telling me I should be proud and happy to have “earned” a higher limit!!!
Fucktards.
Excellent OP rant. I laughed, I cried, I forwarded it to friends. I join in rating the subplot on the wastebasket’s fitness level as exceeedingly-praiseworthy.
My particular bit about credit card preapprovals has to do with my move from Maryland back to Puerto Rico 10 years ago. Having dwelt stateside all my adult life prior to then, all my credit card accounts had been initiated stateside – mostly with banks that have since merged into something else, such as the Bank of Baltimore and Chemical Bank. Anyway, upon my move to my native jurisdiction, o’er which of as of the last time I checked Old Glory still flies, I start getting offers from such outfits as American Express and Citibank, even though I AM A CARDHOLDER for both AmEx and Citi. However, it seems there is in their databases an apparent non-overlap that renders them unable to realize that JRD of Baltimore/York PA/San Antonio, who moved to San Juan, is the same guy as JRD of Morovis who now lives in San Juan. This year finally Citi threw in the towel on its PR-specific operations and will start working us from SD/NJ, so I’m hoping this will stop from their side.
Credit card companies operate in their own reality.
Guin: I shred anything with my address just as a matter of paranoid policy. Not that anyone could evidently get a card in my name anyway…see, there’s advantages to bad credit!
Acutally, a lot of these have no activation fee or annual fee. This one’s 2.9% until 11/03, and then 9.9% after that, 25 day grace period. Not bad, actually. The thing that kills me is this part:
Now, how in the world am I meeting their credit standards if they won’t give me a card? It’s like being a legal adult but being too young to vote.
Linoleum?
Ooh, yeah, I’m keeping them in business.
I’ll trust your judgment.