It shouldn’t be necessary to follow up the $20 filligreed invitation with a phone call, especially because the typical wedding has more guests that the number of people who would fit in my house for a dinner party. Also, the bride and groom are busy coordinating a ton more details than they would for a typical dinner party, so it’s very inconsiderate to add another item to their list.
(And yes, I got married just about a year ago. And I had to send followups to about 40% of the invited guests after the RSVP date, and even so, didn’t know whether some were coming until the week before and had a total of six no-shows. Two of the no-shows were because the wife ended up in the ER that weekend, so I will obviously cut them some slack. But most of the rest would have required plane tickets or a cross-country drive to get there, so you’d think if they spent time looking for airfare, they could spend an extra minute or two to drop the RSVP card in the mail or send me an e-mail.)
And for the record, I think our invitations were maybe a buck apiece, not counting stamps. Yay Costco!
And if they got them printed as $20 per 100 postcard at vistaprint, will you return it then? Do you request a receipt so you know which friends are entitled to your courtesy, based on what they spent on invitations? :rolleyes:
We send out pretty invitations for our annual Christmas party. Every year we have to beg and plead for responses. It’s a sit-down dinner party, and my mother and I do all the cooking for 40+ people. You’d damned well better reply.
I can get behind the idea that weddings are way too big a production in all ways these days, but that still doesn’t excuse people from RSVPing. If you want to protest the whole wedding industry, send your regrets with your returned RSVP. To not RSVP just gives the people putting on the party a big fat pain in the ass (to go along with all the hassle and expense that they’re already footing).
I, too, have been much better about replying with RSVP cards since my own wedding.
I had to email/call a BUNCH of stragglers for my wedding. It’s tough, because for a few months there, it can seem like the wedding is the only thing important in your life - but no one else feels that way. Their own lives come into play and they forget about that little party you’re throwing a few months from now. Sometimes they just need a reminder.
The most hilarious part of the RSVP cards we received back was that some people forgot to include their own name. So we’d get a card returned to us in the mail, the “name” section left blank, but a clear marking that they wanted the prime rib. That sucked. People can be stoopid.
I had 12 people that had RSVP’d that they were coming to my wedding, some with guests, that just never showed up. I had 2 people I had never met and hadn’t invited that showed up (apparently they were my grandma’s cousin and her husband) and since we had lots of extra seats they were welcome to be there. I got married over a month ago and I am still a little angry at the people that said they were coming that never showed. I had other people I really, really wanted to invite that I didn’t because those other people had RSVP’d that didn’t get to come to the wedding when there was plenty of space for them. I think the moral is that people are jerks and don’t plan things too carefully, especially if you are having a destination wedding.
That’s why I printed up return address labels with the guest’s return info on it and stuck it on the envelope (someone either on this board or on another suggested numbering the return envelopes, but this worked better) so that if they forget to write their name you have it printed on the outside anyhow.
I am mentally preparing myself by thinking “ok, there are going to be at least a few people who just flake and don’t show” and will just try to avoid getting upset about it.
Oh my, this happened for a destination wedding? That is low rent. I mean, lower rent than normal slum rent.
I’d actually send something that says that you are concerned they didn’t get the previous invitation, and need them to call to confirm they got it. Sending something that assumes they aren’t going implies that they’ve responded properly.
A lot of heartache comes because people expect others to conform to their sense of what is socially acceptable. That’s just setting yourself up for disappointment.
This is actually the first I’ve heard that an R.S.V.P., which includes the word please in the title, was really not a request. I’ve always only responded if I am attending. And I’ve never received any flack for it. How in the world am I supposed to know that I’ve committed a horrible faux pas if no one bothers to tell me?
Finally, you need to make sure that your social expectations are in line with the general practice. You’re causing much unneeded strife if you insist on what most people consider an antiquated custom. I don’t know if R.S.V.P. is one of those, but it definitely seems like there are a lot of people who don’t understand it.
ETA: I understand disliking it if someone doesn’t show up when they said they would, but I don’t understand concluding that that’s because they don’t plan well, and that their inability to plan well makes them jerks. I think you have it backwards.
Responding in the negative or positive IS general practice when you receive a formal invitation - the majority in this thread understand that perfectly well. As others have said, it isn’t that hard to figure out, either, that when someone goes to the trouble to include a self-addressed, stamped envelope in your formal invitation, they expect you to use it. I’m not sure what will happen when loutish behaviour becomes the norm as the trend unfortunately shows it to be - as for me, I’m just going to stop inviting people to stuff that I have to pay for, when you never know if anyone will reliably respond or show up.
Well perhaps people are trying not to be assholes, because berating you for screwing with their headcount isn’t exactly polite. I’m surprised though, that you’ve never received a follow-up call or email.
Did you ever ask yourself, why did they include a box that says “no I will not attend” if you only have to reply if you’re going? Why would they STAMP and ADDRESS it for you, unless they want it back??? Do you think people enjoy frittering money away on postage?
RSVP includes the word “please” in the same way as when your mom asks you to “please do the dishes” it includes the word please. At any rate, not every RSVP actually says RSVP – some invites say “the favor of your reply is requested” which is polite-o-talk for, “please reply if you don’t want me to think you’re an asshole.”
Smaller, intimate, informal weddings. That’s what I’m saying. It bypasses the problem entirely. The modern notion of a wedding is a tradition that continues because it’s a tradition - it’s just cultural inertia.
And the award for missing the point goes to… the envelope, please…
I have never advocated a refusal to RSVP, based on invitation price or anything else (other than the person doing the inviting is a colossal jerk). Not once.
Let me summarize, for those struggling to keep up :
[ul]
[li]Yes, RSVP.[/li]
[li]But overproduced weddings that require RSVPs are the bigger problem.[/li][/ul]
Hey, I wanted a wedding of three - attendant, me, and him, but that didn’t happen; you don’t have to persuade me that small weddings are lovely. However, any time you need to confirm number of guests, whether you’re making a reservation for four or catering an event for a cast of thousands, it’s really polite for the hosts to provide a fair amount of notice as well as information on the event, and it’s even more polite for the invitees to respond by the requested deadline whether or not they’re going. If the invitees just ignore the invitation, there’s the nagging question - did they get my letter/voicemail/e-mail? Did they send a response that I never got?
