The thread on buying a wedding gift for a second wedding in GQ got me thinking. I’m tired of supporting other people’s marriage habits.
A young lady in my office announced she was getting married. No problem with that, good for her. But right away the old biddys in my office started a collection (read: extortion) for her. I declined to contribute, because I wasn’t invited to the wedding or the reception, I guess because I’ve never met this woman before in my life.
Well, that didn’t sit well with the extortion committe, so they started visiting my office one by one telling me how rude I was. Finally, I gave them $2 (which was all I had in my wallet at the time) just to get them the hell away from me.
Why should I subsidise other people’s lifestyle? I’m most likely never going to get married, so I’m losing thousands of dollars buying things for other people, and will never get the chance to earn any of it back. Like the other thread this was the second wedding for this woman, so she already had everything she needs.
I sure would like to be able to say, “Hey everyone, I’m gonna shack up with someone for a few years, why don’t I have a party and have y’all give me a bunch of stuff? Not just a little stuff, but LOTS of stuff. I’ll even tell you what I want you to give me, so you don’t end up getting me something I don’t like!”
And then after I get a divorce, I’ll do it all over again!! “Oops, sorry people, looks like things didn’t work out the first time, but THIS time will be different! How about giving me more stuff?”
Why’d you even give them two bucks? As you said, you don’t even know this person. I would’ve told them go felch the blushing bride, I’m not giving you a damn thing. Then again, I’m a bitch.
I agree with SF, if she wants a damn gift so bad she can invite you to the wedding. You are in no way obligated to buy a gift for a total stranger. When the biddies came around to collect I would’ve just said I was buying her something on my own. It’s none of their business whether or not you actually ARE!
I agree about the baby/wedding gift thing at work. No one has the right to “demand” money from you. I even once declined to contribute to a “boss’s day” present. My boss was a total jackass and I just refused to bring myself down that low.
Wow, my thread was mentioned in another thread. I feel honored!
[slight hijack/mini-rant]
Ok, here’s another one. My husband has come home TWICE within the last year, and said he had to donate money for a baby gift…not for someone IN the office, mind you, but for the unwed, pregnant, teenage daughter of someone in the office. I was appalled. He is supposed to give money for someone else’s stupid kid who didn’t have the common freaking sense to go to Planned Parenthood and get free pills or condoms?!?
It really ticked me off that fellow office workers would do this. The explanation was always that, “Well, she’s young and doesn’t have any money, blah, blah…whine, whine whine.”
Guess we’ll be supporting her through our tax dollars, too. My husband was pretty ticked, too, and said he only gave $5, saying it was all the cash he had.
[end of hijack/rant]
Right now (this very minute), there are collections going on at work for:
An employee’s young child who has medical problems.
Three “retirements” – retirement where I work means you’re going to start collecting Social Security. And no matter how long you’ve worked here – 5 years or 35 – and no matter what your financial situation is – there’s a collection.
A child care “coalition”. This one has management support – you can contribute via payroll deduction. Hmmmmm. I don’t have kids. I don’t live in the town where the child care will be provided. Haven’t had a raise in two years. Hmmmmmm.
At least these don’t involve personal shakedowns. Those biddies (good term) have forgotten their manners.
Have you been invited to a congratulations celebration for someone you never met? I was, the RSVP directed you to indicate which gift from their list you were bringing. And no, I didn’t go. I still wish I could have given the invitation to some Hells Angels, trouble is, I don’t know any.
That’s ridiculous! I’d be all kinds of pissed. Now in my office, I have to say, we do tend to do collections for a single wedding gift from the office. We also do baby showers (for the first kid) and flowers for deaths in the family. But we’re like family to one another. It’s voluntarily, too, and done with an envelope passed office to office so no one knows who paid and who didn’t. I do feel bad for the folks who aren’t in the wedding/baby mode, because it seems they don’t get to collect their fair share of this generosity. But they aren’t strongarmed into being a part.
We’re also fairly tolerant of being hit up for contributions to charity walks and school fundraisers. But only because those come rarely, and are done without any pressure. We technically have a policy against that, but we ignore it. We would quickly yank it out again if things got out of hand.
I can’t imagine someone getting it in their head that a coworker should contribute cash to a stranger for a gift. I’d be as peeved as you are. As for the office with all those collections-- it’s just begging for an office policy.
As for the invitation thing–for some reason it’s been understood (between us) that for an office wedding, the gift isn’t tied to being invited. I think most coworkers believe (rightfully) that they’re doing you a favor not asking you to blow a weekend to go to their wedding when you see 'em five days a week anyway.
The extortion is just something to live with, like FICA, or the company blood drive.
If you sweat it, it’s going to ruin your day.
If you pull the money out of your “I knew SOMETHING would take this from me”-jar, then it’s painless. And it adds up to a lot less than you think.
I’ve never asked anyone for money, and never expect to get as much as a cake in return, but I give, kind of like I tip, just because it’s not worth stewing over the small stuff.
I got an invitation to a bridal shower for a chick I’ve never MET (I do know the future groom and his sister, though I haven’t seen either of them for about a year) a couple weeks ago.
On the invitation, we’re asked to bring food for the party. WTF? Since when do you have a shower, which is basically a party that requires a gift for entrance, and ask for the guests to bring the eats as well??
The invitation also listed the places the happy couple is registered at, which actually I don’t have a problem with, though I know the etiquette mavens think it’s tacky. This way at least the duplicate gifts will be fewer.
Still haven’t decidied if I’m going or not - I’m always up for free food, but if I have to bring a gift AND cook in my un-air-conditioned house in the Midwest in July, I’m thinking of giving it a pass.
Oh, and while I’m here - are thnak-you notes for weddings passe’? My sister got married 2 years ago and never bothered to write any of them. Of the last 3 weddings we’ve gone to only one thank you note. If I can write out thank you’s within a week of getting gifts when I had my kids, the damned newlyweds who AREN’T recovering from childbirth certainly can act a little grateful for my gifts.
Inaugural post-woohoo! I registered on this board just to throw in my cup o’ bile:
Do the newly-wed and nearly-bred expect a token of tribute from every goddamned person they know? The close friends throw a shower, the family throws one, the job has one-bloody hell, just how many trite trinkets does one require? The job ones are a major league peeve to me-for the past two marriages in the office the swag offered up was a set of china- and the last one being $200+. This for a woman from an affluent family marrying into her caste, a couple of sufficient means to buy a house the month before the wedding- $225K range. Did I mention she’s as shallow as a desert ditch? She doesn’t need my sheckles to start her off in married life. Her best bud in the office just had a baby. Oh goodie. Another beg-fest is being planned.
Sod it. Next time, and every time one of these shindigs is scheduled, I’ll have ‘a previous committment’.
The extortion was wrong, but I would have thrown in a couple bucks from the beginning. Even if I didn’t know the person. One or two of these things a month don’t add up to that much. If you’re seriously strapped for cash, it’s a different story, but I’d say for most folks we’re not talking about a trip to the poorhouse here.
And you should probably drop by and wish them well, or at least send an email. People don’t have weddings or retirements or whatever happen that often in their lives, and it just isn’t that much to give them two dollars and five minutes.
Gotta agree. As a member of a huge extended family due to divorces and re-marriages, I’ve got more step-siblings than I can keep track of.
I’m also very sick and tired of getting an “announcement” in the mail but no invitation. Like, “hey, send us a gift but don’t come to the party!”.
Yeah, let me sneeze on you and give you my cold but not by kissing your lips!
If I go to the celebration I will bring a gift. But office shit and “announcements” don’t even get a call. I always HATED that in my office! “I’m having a baby, getting married, whatever”, so give me some money! Piss off!
I have stayed single… where’s my money? I had a puppy… where’s my money? I bought a home… had a birthday… graduated college… took a dump… where’s my money?!
My biggest bitch about the office shit? The commissioner (or other “big” boss was having a birthday or some other such celebration) and they expected all of us peons that this fucker NEVER talked to, to contribute to his/her gift. Yeah, right!
No matter HOW much crap I got I never gave a dime to this shit. Like Kinsey said, it wasn’t just this joker but his KIDS that we were supposed to contribute too. Na uh. Bullshit. If it was a co-worker I knew and liked, yeah, I’d kick in a buck or two but if I didn’t know them or knew them and didn’t like them than I let the “collectors” know that. (But, I’m a bitch and have NO problem sharing this fact with others!)
It IS extortion. If you don’t know them or don’t like them then don’t give!
I never cared what they might, gasp, “think” of me. They can think I’m the biggest bitch in the western states… they are probably right… but I’m not EVER going to give a dime to anyone I don’t like.
I’ve been through the office extortionist as well and I will tell you what, I have given one better gift to one lackey that was passing through in our office for six months that I barely said ‘Hi’ too, than I received from the entire fucking office after seven years working there when I had my son. The tightwads basically chipped in $5.00 per person for a grand total of $35 in Baby’s R Us money. After writing all their letters. Fixing their computers. Getting the fax/xerox/toilet ( not all in one, although a thing like that would speed up productivity. this is why I will never make it in the pit, I get side tracked.) to work in clutch situations. Not to forget the Girl Scout cookie extortion drives, wrapping paper crap sales and whatever.
No, really, I am over my bitterness. :::grabbing my voodoo doll and long rusty hatpin:::::::::
An announcement is not and can never be considered a gift request. The proper way to respond to it is a congratulatory letter. If the announcer complains, drop them.
Yeah, matt_mcl, you gotta point there. You SHOULDN’T consider it a gift request but I’ve “read” them as such. I might drop an email or some other such missive but yeah, if they get snitty about a gift I have no problem telling them where to get off.
I left one job after nine months because the only ones NOT pregnant were the post-menopausal (two women), me, and this other woman about my age. I’m not kidding. All but a few of the preggos were single mothers bitching about how were they gonna get child support from the guy working at Starbucks for half what they made. “By tradition” we were expected to cough up at least $10 PER GIFT (I think it was one hour’s pay). I think I contributed to maybe two or three before I decided that the whole thing was stupid. The most creative thing I heard was from the genius who had it pointed out that since birth control was available and the baby wasn’t really “planned for”, why didn’t she use it? The answer: “I’m Catholic, and my religion forbids the use of birth control”. Ummm… correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t the Church also forbid sex outside marriage, too?
Let’s also factor in candy, cookie, wrapping paper, Christmas crap, and God-alone-knows-what-else sales, at about the same time. The lunch table in the breakroom would be covered with catalogs, and if you bought from one person, you had to buy from everyone. Naturally, I didn’t buy from anyone. This didn’t make me too popular, but it did save quite a bit of money.
Does it come as a surprise to anyone that I worked for a “family friendly” company?
I’m happy to say that I now work for the federal gummint, who take a dim view (at least my agency does) of this kind of extortion. And that’s what it is.