I used to work in a jewelry store, and as far as engagement rings, it was about half men buying them as a surprise, and half couples coming in selecting them together. We did get some back, and our return policy was full price if the ring hadn’t been worn (tags were attached. We were very clear if the tags were not attached, no return.)
We also had a thing where for a certain period of time–I think ten years–you could come in and upgrade the diamond, and get full credit for the original diamond. I have to say that when I worked there only one person came in to take advantage of this, and when we checked the original ring, it wasn’t a diamond. Oopsy.
Once the ring had been sized and worn, except for this diamond upgrade thing we didn’t take them back. But plenty of people will buy used rings.
I’m in the “proposed without a ring” camp. As it happens, my mother announced that she had an old engagement ring from her grandmother which she wanted my wife (then fiancée, obviously) to have. It’s fairly valuable - much more so than anything I’d have been able to afford.
You’re making some culturally bound assumptions here, my wedding ring which I still wear cost 20 USD(granted I’m a guy, my wife’s was pricer but only cuz she hates silver).
I was confused about the question. Over here the “wedding ring” is the (usually) gold band that the bride and groom exchange at the point of tying the knot. When the proposal takes place it is an “engagement” ring that is offered.
All the married couples I know decided to get engaged and then went to a jeweler and bought the ring. As a point of law - once a ring is offered and accepted, it legally belongs to the wearer.
My daughter is getting married in May - big church wedding - and I had a broken 18 carat gold watch chain in a cupboard that belonged to my grandfather. We all went to the jewelry quarter in Birmingham and paid a guy to make two rings from my gold. Similar rings in their display were priced at 600 GBP and more.
My husband proposed with a token ring as well. Then we chose an engagement ring later.
Is it unromantic? Not to me, but I think younger women put a higher value on fitting some mold of what’s romantic so they can tell their friends. I was 32 when we got engaged, and I’d rather have something I truly like to wear on my hand forever than a cutesy story to tell.
Actually in my state (New York State) the ring is regarded as consideration given in exchange for a promise to marry, forming a binding contract. If the promise to marry is breached, the contract dissolved, the recipient can be legally forced to give it back in a suit for unjust enrichment. How’s that for romantic!
What culturally bound assumption did the OP make? Wedding (or really, engagement) rings are actually expensive. Just because yours was twenty bucks, doesn’t mean that’s what everyone else spent. In fact, I’d be willing to guess that the vast majority of people spend at least a hundred dollars on theirs.
But even ignoring that, this wasn’t about the price, it was about the return policy.
The man holds onto the ring until he finds the woman who wants to be his wife. If the ring was made of real gold or silver, etc. it will only increase in value over time and he will save money by not going out to buy another one. However, if he is heartbroken and the ring reminds him of her, and he is well off financially, he may just give her the ring anyhow because seeing it may hurt him and be too much to bear. He could always sell it if he is heartbroken but in a bad financial situation, but in that case he’s better off waiting a few years before selling it so that he gets a better price on it than what he paid since the value of it is likely to increase over time.
A young man I knew put a deposit down on ‘a ring’ at a jewelry store with the understanding he would would come back with her to select which ring. He folded the receipt into an origami ring, like you make with currency, and proposed with that. She thought it romantic and funny.
Before we became engaged I had pointed out a ring in a jewelry store window to my (now) husband. It had a gorgeous pearl set in a pink-toned gold, with some diamond chips. Some time later he bought me a diamond engagement ring in a setting that I absolutely hated. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I accepted it and didn’t say anything negative.
Years and years later I asked him why he bought the diamond instead of the pearl ring and he said, " I thought you were just saying that to save money; I didn’t know you really wanted it."
After we’d been married for about 40 years I finally got the courage to ask if he would mind if I had the stone reset in another setting, which I eventually did.
I also had it sized using a ring she wore on the same finger but the other hand. I know that fingers can be different sizes between hands, but you’ll at least be in the ball park of the right size - enough that she can wear it home if she wants to. If there’s a half size or two that needs to be changed, that’s easy enough to do later.
The engagement ring is the classic “Gift in Contemplation of Marriage” and has an entire body of law regarding who gets it when and under what circumstances.
Generally if the donor breaks the engagement, to donee is entitled to the ring.
Oh, I just remembered! This happened to my uncle (I was a small child at the time). His girlfriend turned him down and he had a bit of a breakdown over it. I think he threw the ring into the river. He wasn’t making good choices at that time.
FWIW, not every woman wants an engagement ring. I think they’re kinda stupid-- people suffer for the diamonds, which are horribly inflated, and ridiculous anyway. And even if I didn’t have political reasons for being opposed to them, I’d still think it silly to spend so much on a ring, and it would make me nervous to wear it. I’d rather use the money on the Honeymoon, paying off the car, or toward a down payment on a house. Or just putting into savings for an emergency.
I’m dumbfounded that there are women who wouldn’t consider a proposal that didn’t include a ring.
This fits with the etiquette I was taught (see below)
I was always taught that a lady may only accept a gift of precious gems from a gentleman if he is her father or her husband. There was a whole list of definitions for what were “Precious Gems” including, for instance sea pearls, but not freshwater pearls. It was also the rule that precious gems were not worn before six o’clock in the evening. (Some of you may recall Jackie Kennedy falling afoul of that one.)
Anyhoo, there was only one exception to these two rules, and that was the engagement ring. It was accepted by a lady with the assumption that the gentleman would become her husband, and as a symbol of their love, it was always quite appropriate to wear it at any time and in any setting.
If the marriage did not occur, for whatever reason and by whoever’s choice (but it was always incumbent upon the gentleman to make it appear to be the woman’s choice, no woman ever being scorned, and it always being her prerogative to change her mind) then the ring must be returned.
To accept/keep the ring when no marriage was contemplated would be considered to hint at a payment of sorts. A payment, that is, of sort that no lady would ever consider.