Sorry, the above was me. Left Hand has not been invited to the second shower (lucky bastard!) and is staying way the hell out of the way.
I forgot to mention that, in my experience, it’s usual for the maid of honor to throw the bridal shower. Since the maid of honor is often the bride’s sister, it’s very common for sisters to host showers.
And, if we’re truly keeping tacky points, it’s only fair to point out that the groom’s mother is throwing a shower for her son.
In my experience also. Growing up in California showers were always given by the maid of honor and bridesmaids. But I have heard of areas where the mothers always give the showers – there it would be considered rude for a MOH to ‘usurp’ this duty from the mothers.
This is why I always make it clear that I’m talking about ‘standard etiquette’ when I spout these rules – because, although there are standard rules for this stuff, there are so many regional variations that I hate to call somebody else’s customs rude. Regional variations on standard etiquette aren’t rude when they are practiced among people where they are common. So, in your case, the MOG giving her future daughter-in-law a shower may not be rude, if they come from an area where that is common. But my mother (who comes from an area where it is unheard of for mothers to give showers) would have been thought rude to throw a shower for my sister.
Yeah - I’m no expert on the “rules.” For instance, IME it is not uncommon for the MoH (especially if the bride is young) to not have the space or resources to optimally host a shower. So I have encountered situations where the shower is held in a relative’s home - altho the MoH always plays a major role, essentially sharing hosting duties.
But in my experience it always occurred that the women closest to the situation - the couple’s moms and sisters, and the members of the bridal party, got together and decided whether there was going to be A shower and if so, where IT going to be held.
From what you describe, I would pleasantly express my regrets that I had an unbreakable committment for the date of the 2d shower, and smile and plead ignorance concerning all points of planning, scheduling, etc. Too often IME, around weddings folk get stressed and seem to go out of their way to look for persons towards whom they can direct their anger, criticism, etc. - which they will subsequently revive at family gatherings forever. Keep you head low.
Jess is absolutely correct that it’s a regional thing. In my area, it’s not unusual for the bride’s or groom’s family to host a shower. Most often it’s the aunts who do it. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a bridal shower hosted by the MOH. It’s always been the aunts, family friends, the bride’s church, or the bride’s or groom’s siblings doing the hosting. I had no idea that it was ever done differently until I was someone’s MOH and people started asking me about throwing a shower for the bride.
Well, dammit! I just talked to my husband’s sister (who is in the same broke boat that I am) and she thinks the bride’s feelings will be hurt if we don’t go. She’s planning to bring a homemade gift. Guess I’m going to suck it up and go to the 2nd shower with a small gift and a smile on my face.
I hear you loud and clear. Going to both showers is a relatively small price to pay for keeping the peace with current and future in-laws.