Weird Dates

[Jolly_Roger]

No thread about wierd dates can go without me mentioning Jackie.

As far as weird dates go I have been torn about speaking of Jackie. Only because she died a few years ago, and she was younger than I am. I never found any details on what she died of, only that she was sick. I’ll admit that though she drove me absolutely bonkers she wasn’t a bad or evil person. I’d known her since elementary school. In High School she said she wanted to be my girlfriend, but her general weirdness and the fact that she wasn’t allowed to actually go anywhere with me outside of school kind of ruined that.

Anyway, after college I had a pretty painful breakup with a girl. We had spoke of getting married, but she pretty much destroyed me when she started sleeping with a friend of mine. At that point I hadn’t seen Jackie in years, but she came around my house a month or so after the breakup. She was still strange, and she was still interested in me. But she had been attending Oral Roberts University and her fundamentalist attitudes grated on me. She talked me into taking her to the movies but when we got to the theater the only movie she agreed to see was Leonard Part Six. It sucked and I was honestly angry at her for wanting to see the movie. (I knew it would suck, but she refused to see anything else). At this point I had little money and a piss poor job. I made a little extra money by doing freelance illustration and graphics work but not a lot.

While I didn’t exactly dislike Jackie I didn’t want to date her. She was good looking, make no mistake, but she considered anything but church hymns to be devil music, popular movies and TV shows were the work of the devil, and she thought that drinking a beer was a major sin. Add to that she didn’t like any of my friends. I was never very nice to her in response because I could only take her in small doses. But I found out that if she wasn’t constantly calling me or coming by my house she was doing that to Monica, a mutual friend of ours. Monica had just had a painful divorce and was a single mother at that time so she really had little time or patience with Jackie. For some reason Jackie had it in her mind that one day I’d completely change and marry her. Seriously. Although we had nothing in common. She did things that made me so angry I’d yell at her to her face and she still came around to my house constantly even when I would tell her I really wasn’t too happy to see her. Plus she was needy….my cousin used to call her “Grubber” because she also wanted or needed something. She always needed a ride to work, or a ride to somewhere. Here is an example of what she would do:

She calls me one afternoon saying she needs a ride to the bus stop. She’s going to Philly to stay with a friend over the weekend for some church thing. At the time I was furiously working on a full color illustration for a local children’s magazine. (This is like 1988, before computer graphics so I literally had to cut rubylith and match up pantone colors as well as the drawing and inking and copy fitting. In other words I was busy working) my deadline was so short I had to finish that day and fed ex the thing to DC that afternoon. The Fed Ex guy was coming in a little more than an hour. Guess what? She not only needed a ride, it had to RIGHT NOW since the bus was leaving around that time. I told her no because I was working! This wasn’t something I was making up; it was a deadline I had to make if I wanted to get more work from this magazine. Jackie had this habit that I’m sorry I fell for. She’d just call you back over and over and over until you just gave up and agreed. I pointed out that she lived a mile from me (with her parents who wouldn’t give her a ride) and I lived a mile from the bus stop. She could easily walk to the bus stop in what, 20 minutes? She says she can’t carry her suitcase that far. So being a sucker and actually wanting her to leave me alone thinking if she’s gone for a few days that’s a few days without having to talk to her, I tell her I’d give her a ride, but she’d better be outside of her house and ready when I pull up because I’m in crunch time and I’m not waiting on her. I pick her up…she has a dinky little bag. So now I’m really pissed. I tell her on the way how pissed I am. She could have easily walked with that bag and more than that if she needed a ride from me or Monica she could have arranged it well in advance instead of this last minute bullshit. But Jackie always did the “I’m sorry.” Thing and we all always forgave her. (FTR I found that she had been pestering Monica for a ride also, but Monica wisely disconnected her phone). You guessed it, when I got back I had missed the fed ex guy. So now I had to race through town to the fed ex drop box or drive to fucking Washington DC (easily a 3 or 4 hour trip traffic and all….each way) to make my deadline. I did catch the fed ex truck at the drop box…barely.

She once needed a ride to a hairdressing appointment and once again, she didn’t ask for one until the appointment. I’m a dumbass; I give her a ride, though I didn’t want to. It’s not like I didn’t have stuff to do myself. But I do it because her constant begging drove me insane. She says the appointment is in Wilmington….geez….so I drive there and in the city limits I ask her where it is. She doesn’t know. I tell her ***“You don’t fucking know? How the hell am I supposed to know where this street address is?” ***Her: ***You’re a man….the man should always know. ***
ME: “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?! Are you nuts? many expletives, and calling her rather nasty names like idiot and stupid imbecile. I was really pissed. But I stop at a gas station and ask for directions. I specifically told her not to touch my friggin’ tape deck while I was inside. She would do that….because anything other than good Christian music was the devil, you know…and I had my Peter Gabriel tape in it. (Remember this is 1988….no CDs really, at least not in cars). Yeah, when I get back in and start the car, she not only had taken my tape out, she had replaced it with a Mahalia Jackson tape she had in her purse. I was so pissed off I threatened to toss her out of the car right there. I didn’t, but I took her tape out and threw it out of the window. I played my Tommy Shaw and the Young Rumblers tape just so she had to listen to “I’m not your man”. When I dropped her off at the hairdresser she told me when she’d be ready for a ride home. I told her, yeah, call me. Then I went home, and disconnected my phone. Apparently she pestered poor Monica for a ride for hours that afternoon until finally Monica picked her up.

But that isn’t the worst…oh no……

Jackie calls me one day…not a surprise. She called me all of the time. This time she says she needs to call *Oral Roberts University *to get transcripts delivered or something. It’s very important she says because she needs them to take classes here at the local University. Her parents she says will kill her if she makes a long distance call so she wants to use my calling card number. She says the call will only take a few minutes and it’s the only call she needs to make (“I promise!”). Yes, I am stupid. ***I trusted her! ***Now my sister and I shared the same calling card number for long distance. She would get the bill and tell me how much I owed it on monthly. Most of my long distance calls were to Baltimore or DC where I got a lot of freelance work. A month goes by sis calls me…livid…apparently there was a bunch of calls on the card adding up to more than 200 bucks! Like clockwork Jackie knocks on the door. I ask her if she made any other calls after promising not to. (And she was aware of the sister thing on the card and how my sister and I already had a strained relationship). She sheepishly says she did because she wanted to talk to her friends from ORU that she wouldn’t see again since she wasn’t going back. Now I’m fighting myself…because I wanted to strangle her. I explain to her while reigning in the desire to physically hurt her that my sister is pissed….at ME…because of the giant phone bill. Whats she say?
HER: I’m sorry. She’s probably really going to be upset next month then.
**ME: ** what? Did you make another call recently?
HER: Um…yeah. I had to call a friend that’s getting married. I wanted to congratulate her.
ME: where does this friend live?
HER: Kenya.
ME: (grabbing the ends of my desk) Please say you mean Kenya, Wisconsin or Kenya Alabama or something.
HER: No I mean Kenya….Africa.
ME: Jackie, I’m going to count to ten. If you aren’t out of sight of this street when I reach it I AM going to beat the shit out of you. I’m serious.
My cousin that called her Grubber had walked into my house during this exchange. She even said to her “He’s not joking, Grubber…you’d better start running, ‘cuz I’m going to help him kick your ass.”
She ran. I didn’t see or hear from her for 2 or three months. Of course it took me that long to pay my sister back. We had to cancel our calling card and get a new one. Sis never let me live that one down and I don’t blame her.

Theres more, but i’ll have to go into it later. It gets worse, believe me, and looking back, man I was kind of dumb for even dealing with this psycho.

[Jolly_Roger]

Continuing on with my Jackie story, it was awhile before I saw her again. I had gone off to basic training for National Guard duty and when I returned I had a set of new problems. My shitty job was still just that. I had to move into my mother’s house…she had passed away and the house I had been living in belonged to my grandmother. Who was also gone. My sister was terminally ill and insisted on selling grandma’s house even though I told her we could rent it out to college students and make money. I was right, but her and my BIL made it impossible to do since we had joint ownership. They wanted to sell both houses to solve their own financial problems, not giving a fuck what I did, but I refused to sell both of them. That’s a different story though, for a thread more appropriately called ***“Family sucks”. ***

Anyway, moms house was not paid for, but to make ends meet my cousin Clucky and a friend called Sherwood moved in with me to help pay the mortgage. Well, now that I lived about 10 miles from Jackie I figured I’d probably never corss paths with her again. No such luck, she had a car now. A POS car, but it ran, sometimes. She showed up at my house one evening. I was ironing my BDUs in my room and watching my small TV on my nightstand. She sat on my bed talking as I ironed when she dropped this bomb. With a straight face she said “Do you want to have sex with me? Because if you want to, I’ll let you.” I almost dropped the iron.

As I said we dated in high school. All the time I knew her a peck on the cheek was too dirty for her. The most she ever let me do was one day she said I could touch her boobs for a few seconds. I declined then as it was kinda creepy. She was constantly spewing fundie dogma and telling me how I was going to hell for being a heathen. Now she’s offering sex out of the blue? She hadn’t even SEEN me for months! OK, I’m stupid. I let the wrong head start thinking. Jackie was attractive. I have to admit too, she had a rockin’ bod. But I was scared of what this wrinkle could bring. I told her that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and she told me she just wanted to have sex. OK, I thinks, and we make the beast with two backs. Afterwards I notice she’s crying. I ask her whats wrong and she says “You really hurt me, but I’ll get used to it. Next time I get to be on top.” Geez, shades of Lilith. This girl was creeping me out again.

At that time she had a night job and she got off of work around midnight. Her car would frequently not start and again she’d call me or Monica….usually me. It was getting silly. It was her battery or alternator, but she had a stick so I’d drive to her job and push start the car. Eventually it just died, and then she’d need a ride home all of the time. (she took a bus to work, but no busses were running when she got off). Clucky, who was on disability started offering to pick her up in my car. The problem was I always took her home. She’d want to stay at my house, but I took her home. Clucky brought her back with him. I woke up in the morning and she’s in my freaking bed! This started getting ridiculous, but it started the sexalympics.

Still she was really starting to bother me. She hadn’t changed, the only that changed was now I got to sleep with her. Even though I told her some nights to not come over she would even if she had to get a ride to my house. One morning I worked came home from a night shift and she was mopping my kitchen floor. It was like 6 AM. Apparently she got a friend from work to drop her off at my house while I was at work and slept in my bed. I went into the whole “Look, you don’t live here, and I told you that I’m not your boyfriend or anything. Why are you in my house mopping the floor? I can clean my own kitchen, stop doing that!”. Her response was that cleaning was “woman’s work” and I shouldn’t have to do it. Man, that made me mad. I don’t believe in that “womans work”, “man’s work” crap. I had other girls I dated from time to time and Jackie knew that. But as my cousin said, getting rid of her is like trying to flick a booger from your finger. The harder you flick the more it sticks.

She also kept up the whole devil music, you’re going to hell for not (being brainwashed by Oral Roberts) beliving like I do in the same way I do, you’re a bad person for drinking a beer, etc. Honestly, the only thing that made her bearable was the sex and I would have gladly gone without it after the first week of it…she was driving me crazy being around or calling me all of the time if she wasn’t able to get to my house. Seriously, she called me all of the time and she always wanted something. True story, I was at home on a Saturday night and two friends come over. We decide to sit down, watch a movie and order a pizza. Phone rings…its Jackie. I tell her I can’t talk, I have company. Five minutes later she calls back. I tell her again, I still have company, talk to ya later. Five minuts she calls again saying “Are your friends still there?”. I’m pissed now and say “Yes! Stop calling me!”. Five minutes later she calls and says “When are they going to leave?”.
ME: Jackie, quit calling me tonight! What is wrong with you? I told you I have friends over.”. I hang up and turn the ringer off on my phone and the volume down on the answering machine. No lie, she called about ten more times leaving messages asking when my friends would leave. We laughed our asses off at that. (My friends knew her and thought she was completely nutso.)

Now around that time every month I go through the bills and Clucky and Sherwood would give me their share of them so I could pay them. But every month there were these long distance phone calls no one could account for. I’d frequently be asking them “Which one of you idiots called Los angeles? For a fucking hour? “ or some such. I was sure Jackie didn’t do it when she was in the house because I NEVER let her touch the phone if I was there. Clucky and Sherwood were also aware of the “don’t let her use the phone thing if I’m not around and she shows up thing.”. but they denied making the calls. I was sure one of them was doing it, but I had no proof and the bill was in my name. So I ended up paying for these calls. Jackie then came to me one day saying she wanted to go back to college but couldn’t afford it. I suggested she tak to my recruiter and go in the guard or reserve. She did and she actually signed up. 9her sister was in the NG….her sister was one year older and normal. In fact her sister was the supply sergeant of MY NG unit, though she didn’t live at home with her. They were kind of close, but she knew how Jackie was a bit odd)

The time came for my 2 weeks in the woods with the national guard. The night I packed up (I met two girls that were with a buddy of mine but that’s another story) I told Clucky not to let Jackie beg him for rides all over creation because she would and I left him my car keys so he could get to the grocery store and stuff. My car was a hunk of junk but it was the best I could afford. When I got back Clucky picked me up at the armory. I looked at the odometer and saw that a lot of miles had been put on the car. Clucky admitted that he gave Jackie a lot of rides, including one to Ft. Dix! Yes, she talked him into driving her from Delaware to Fort Dix so she could get out f her army reserve contract. I was really pissed at both of them. First, it was only a miracle that my car made it there and back, secondly she could have just talked to the freaking recruiter….in fact they couldn’t get in the freaking gate of Dix so it was a waste of time. I told Clucky he was an imbecile. At least I got to sleep with her to make up for the stupid shit she did. I couldn’t believe he fell for it.

Anyway, I get home. A few friends found out I was back and came over. The girls I had met the night I left came over after finding out through my friend that I was back. One buddy of mine decides to go to the store and get stuff to BBQ with and a case of beer. A small “welcome home” party starts.

Jackie calls, though I didn’t know it was her on the phone. Clucky borrows my car, I thought to go to the store for more food. No, he goes and picks up Jackie thinking that I wouldn’t mind her visiting since it’s a party anyway. So we’re all on the deck in my backyard grilling, having fun, playing music….even my neighbor who rarely interacted with me came over. Jackie comes in and starts telling everyone how we’re going against God and playing devil music…. ***(Prince, Fine young Cannibals, yes….yeah, whoohoo, we’re really playing satanic stuff!) ***and telling people to stop drinking the beer and even telling them to stop having fun and pray with her. They either laughed at her, ignored her or told her straight up to leave them alone. She goes inside the house, to use the bathroom I think. Nope. You see, my mother had a big giant Bible with a picture of Jesus on it. She kept it on a stand in the living room. Everyone knew not to touch my mother’s bible. It was one of the few things I had left to remember her by. Jackie comes outside carrying it and reading loudly from it. She even turned the music off to do so. Everyone just stared at her. I lost it. I dragged her in the house screaming at her.

ME: What the hell is wrong with you? Is the sight of my friends having fun too much for you? And how dare you touch this bible, its my mothers and I have told you before to NEVER touch it! Get in my car! I’m taking you home!
HER: No, wait, I want to stay….please let me stay tonight!
ME: No! No1 I’m tired of you trying to hammer into my life! Get in the car or walk home!

She gets in the car. I start driving her home. I’m really pissed at her right now so I tell her what I’ve said a million times before….how her actions are driving me crazy. The way she cals all of the time, the way she practically extorts rides out of me and Monica and everyone by constantly begging…everything. Then she tells me about all of the rides hat Clucky gave her and fort Dix. I tell her I knew that already and its part of the problem. Then she tells me this….

Its probably different now, but back then you could call the operator and and tell them you want to make a long distance call from your phone but bill it to another number. They don’t call you and ask if its ok if person A bills a call to you. They just assume that you’ll dispute the bill when you get it. Seriously, I called the phone company later and they told me as much. I specifically had to request that no calls can be billed to my number that didn’t originate from my phone. What a scam!

Jackie tells me she’d been making calls for over a YEAR and billing them to me. Without me catching on. She made sure not to make a lot in one month, so I wouldn’t notice as she hoped.

I.blew.up.

I was so mad I had to pull over. I seriously would have had an accident if I hadn’t. we pulled over in front of a Dominoes and I went nuclear.
ME: How…How the hell could you do that to me! You know I don’t have any money1 I barely make enough to eat and YOU’VE been billing your stupid long distance to me for a YEAR? I just lost my mother and my sister this year and you do that to me? I’ve been blaming Sherwood and Clucky all year and …I don’t have anything, and you do everything you can to take away anything that makes life bearable….GET OUT OF MY CAR! GET OUT!**
HER:** (shaking, I was so mad I was scaring her, and I really wanted to wring her neck right there) I’m sorry……I’m not getting out….
ME: THE HELL YA AIN’T!

I take the keys out of the ignition and get out running to the passenger side. I was going to drag her out of the car by force and dump her right there in front of Dominoes. She locked the door. I start yelling ***"Don’t lock the door, bitch, I got the key!”. ***

A dominoes guy comes out and yells to me ‘*Hey, what are you doing to that girl!?’ *I turn around and point at him “stay outta this Pizza Boy or I’ll fuck you up too!”. He runs back in and picks up the phone. Great he’s calling the cops. Now she’s going to get me arrested. Well, no…I get back in the drivers seat and take off. I was driving so fast I’m surprised the cops didn’t find me and stop me. I was so angry I was barely in control. I didn’t even stop in her driveway, I pulled up in her front yard and physically kicked her out of the passenger side onto the lawn. Her father came outside and was yelling ‘What the hell are you doing”. I looked at him and said “ask her, but keep this crazy bitch away from me.”. Jackie was in the grass crying and I told her ‘I never want to see or talk to you again.”. Then I went to a park and sat on a bench for hours trying to calm down.

The next day I blocked her number from calling me. She went to various payphones and tried calling but stopped when I told her if she called me again I was calling the police because she was harassing me.

That was the last time I ever spoke to her. I’d heard she got married and then a few years ago that she had died of some unknown cause. I feel badly about the way I went off on her sometimes, but in a lot of ways she asked for it. I can actually forgive the stuff she did, and I’m sorry she died. Sometimes I almost miss her. She made me crazy mad most of the time, but as I said, she wasn’t evil or really a bad person. But she was crazy.

[Diane]

A few years ago a friend hooked me up with one of his friends. We spoke on the phone for a few weeks and then I underwent two brain surgeries (brain tumor) within two months. He knew all of this because we spoke on the phone during that period.

He seemed to be a nice, normal guy. We had talked about our mutual love for hiking and talked about the different trails that we have been on. I live in Utah and we have awesome hiking trails. I told him many times that I couldn’t wait to get back on the trails, but I would not be physically able for 7 or 8 months.

Three weeks after I left the hospital following the second surgery, I agreed to meeting him for a date. He said that he had planned a surprise for me. The surprise was a picnic AT THE TOP OF A FREAKIN MOUNTAIN at the end of a 7 mile trail. When he told me where to meet him, I thought we were going to hang out at the lodge or picnic areas at the entrance. I never imagined he would plan a 7 miles hike! I’ve been on this particular hike. It is gorgeous, but pretty steep and strenuous in some places.

He knew that I did not have the strength to make a hike up the side of a mountain, but he wanted to use the experience to “help me overcome my hurdle” (WTH?). Again - I was just barely a few weeks out of the hospital from my second brain surgery in a two month period. At the time, I wasn’t allowed to lift anything over 10 pounds or even jog at a slow pace, let alone hike! Doctor’s orders.

I told him that I was not going to hike 7 miles up the mountain. “Bu-bu-but why won’t you let me help you? I will give you a piggy ride if you get worn out”.

“Ummmm noooooo. Maybe in a few months when I have recovered, but not today and definitely no piggy backs.”

He acted as if I cut his big female protector, chivalrous super hero manhood off with my French nail tips. He pouted during lunch about how I wasn’t giving him a chance to help me and that he really, really would give me a piggy back if I got tired. Pout, pout, pout.

He seemed obsessed with helping me the poor helpless lil woman, or. . . he was a serial killer wanted to get me up into the hills. Either way, after lunch I got the hell out of there and never saw him again. He called and I (again) explained why it wasn’t going to work out. He never seemed to “get it”. He was just trying to “help”.

Freak.