Hello, New Teenaged Dopers. How are you? Good? I’m glad. Welcome to the Straight Dope Message Board. It’s a nice place, if you don’t screw up. I understand, though, that knowing how to not screw up can be hard sometimes, and because of that, I have opened up this thread. What can I say, I’m just a nice guy.
First, I will offer my credentials: My name is Jester, and though I am not exactly a new Doper, I am most definitely a teenaged one.
What’s that, you say? You’ve seen my posts on the board, and I am obviously too intelligent, witty, and cool to be a teenager? Well, I’m flattered, but if you don’t believe me, all I can say is:
Lance listens to BSB at midnight.
Yes, as you can see, I know the secret teenage catchphrase. I also know the handshake. There is no denying my age, so I will now continue with the thread.
This post is meant just to give you a few basic pointers on how not to get shitcanned at the SDMB. If you follow them, and prove your intelligence, you may even find this board to be a warm, safe home.
-This is not AOL. You are not speaking on an Instant Messaging program, so please refrain from talking like you are. Punctuation, capitalization, and grammar are your friends, and will help people think that you aren’t such an ignorant assfuck, after all. DO NOT put “@stupidwebprovider.net” at the end of your username when registering, for nothing good will come of it.
-If my use of the words “puctuation,” “capitalization” and “grammar” have confused you, I suggest keeping a dictionary next to you whenever you post.
-Knowing a few intelligent-sounding words like “plethora” does not immediately make you intelligent. Intelligent posting is what makes you intelligent. Hell, I know what plethora means.
-You are allowed to rail against your parents, teachers, and other authority figures in your life while here. Hell, those poor saps are stuck with you, so you can rebel against them all you want. The mods, however, are NOT stuck with you, so excercising your teenage freedom by calling them facist nazi pig-dogs will not help your cause.
-Yes, he/she said “sex/tit/cock/ass”. Stop giggling, and get over it.
-The Chicago Reader does not sell drugs, except for the euphoric sense of enlightenment offered by Cecil. Therefore, it is not reasonable to assume that a message board sponsered by the Chicago Reader would be involved in the drug trade. Just assume that no one here knows where to get or how to use drugs and move along. It’s safer that way.
-TyPiNg LiKe ThIs WiLl NoT ImPrEsS PeOpLe.
-NEITHER WILL THIS!!! LOL!!!
-OR THI… I think you get the idea.
-Being able to swear does not mean that you should swear at every opportunity. Unless you are in the Pit, you will be looked down upon for doing so. If you ARE in the Pit, you will most likely have swear words that you never even heard of before directed at you in return.
-“La la la I can’t hear you” is not a valid argument in debate. Therefore, do not treat it that way.
-Randomly throwing things like “hahahahah” and “lol” and the like into your sentences will break up continuity, and make people think that you are an asshole.
-Sock Puppets are not the cute, fuzzy learning tools that you may remember from “Lambchop’s Playalong.” Here, they are actually rather unpopular. Just to let you know.
In short, New Teenaged Dopers, do not fuck up. Myself and a number of much funnier, more intelligent teenage dopers than I have managed to find a place here on these boards, and we don’t want to be grouped in with a bunch of asshole high school students who decided to troll a Message Board just because they’re board on Summer Vacation. If you try to get something out of this board, you will be benefited greatly. If you don’t, I will track you down and shove a broomstick up your ass. Sideways. Thank you, and welcome.
Note: This is in the Pit because I just wanted to do a rant against high-school vacation trolls on the MB. I don’t have many specific examples at the moment, except for Nothing But Net, but was hoping that it could just be a general reference point. If it is more MPSIMS-ish in nature, feel free to move it accordingly. Thank ye.
-Walt
No big deal. My “c” key doesn’t always fire off when I tap it. But overall, he made a very solid post. I don’t want our new arrivals to think we ompletely anal about spelling and puntuation.