My dear misguided man, you seem to be confused. It is I who will be doing the smacking around here with my beautiful long cotton wool barbed tail that’s waving hypnotically back and forth, forth and back… Say what are you looking at?
:smack: [sub]well not really a smack, more like a soft pat, but I really really meant it.[/sub]
OoOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOooo… <shiver>
Do it again.
Actually, I was going to get dagnumbed, but dad gummed me before dag could numb me.
Shoot.
Ah, the tepid plains of Heck …
Hmm…
Yeah, I’d like to pull up a chair here. I have a degree in Annoying. I’m a life-member of fictional political factions for no darn good reason at all – so surely I’m halfway to Heck already?
Can I wear paisley and bell-bottoms? And bring along some ABBA records to play incessantly to the long queue of the darned?
I need to be darned. All my socks have holes in them. And the elbow of my favorite sweater.
But I may qualify as nobility. I remember dates, from history. And I tell people. Like if my check amount is $19.70, I tell the clerk that that’s the year(Common Era) the students were shot at Kent State. Or the last four digits of my friend’s phone number, 1189, is the year King Henry II of England died (his wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine died in 1204). I’m best with four digit dates, but I can throw in a few salient earlier ones–323 (BC) Alexander the Great’s death, Council of Nicaea, 325, 632 death of Mohammed . . . well, you get the picture. If I don’t know an event that happen specifically in that year, I’ll at least know something about the era (1672, reign of Louis IVX, height of the Age of Reason). I get alot of blank stares. Then I have to put on the “teacher” mode and explain. Blank stares replaced by pained expressions. And here’s the deal maker–** I have been told many times, many, many times, I’m annoying as HECK when I do this!** Can I be the Duchess of Dates (maybe that would get me a date), the Countess of Timelines? I’ll quiz people on what happened when, and when they can’t tell me–I’ll make them read a chapter from a ninth grade history text. Really, I will. Or, if that’s too hellish, 10 minutes of the history channel–but not the WWII stuff. Please, I’d really like a title. Or even a subtitle.
I wish to apply for the post of Person Who, When People Are Talking And Will Get Round To Me In A Second, Needlessly Taps Them Repeatedly On The Arm In An Attempt To Gain Their Immediate Attention.
I think i would also like to be the person who, when grief-striken relatives are granted permission to visit their lost loved ones in Heck and then as they are leaving turn round for one last look, gives them a mild ache in their knee.
Fran
OH OH I’sa don’t know the title of that there position I be applyin’ fer but I’ll give ya me job description.
One day I’sa walking and stubbed my toe on the door. I gots really upset and just up and kicked that there door!
Me grammar tain’t the best in the world, buts I can get me message across.
Hi Opal!
I gots me a really neat lookin’ limp like ye’ wouldn’t believe!
Thats’n the reason why ya should pick me fer some really neat-o job. Thanks ya!
The many levels of Heck are well-documented in “The Ferno,” written by Dante. No, not Dante Alighieri, but Dante the guy in “Clerks.”
Level 1: Demons eternally make fun of your bad haircut.
Level 2: Demons eternally microwave your TV dinners about a minute less than they probably needed to be microwaved.
Level 3: Noogies, noogies, noogies!
Level 4: Demons always pick you last in gym class.
Level 5: Demons eternally call you up and ask if your refrigerator is running (and, if it is, advise you that you should go catch it).
Level 6: Demons keep bumming smokes off you without EVER offering to buy a pack themselves.
Level 7: You spend eternity with a 28.8 modem.
Level 8: Demons huddle in packs and, every now and then, look over at you and laugh, and you’re SURE they’re talking about you but they always deny it, and then they laugh and point some more.
Level 9: Demons fart and then accuse you of being the farter.
Hi. I figure I better show up here before someone tells me to go to Heck.
You see, I am a perky person, particularly in the morning.
Not just happy, but perky.
Even before the assistance of coffee or other caffeinated beverages.
Afterwards, I am positively annoying.
Or so I’ve been told.
So I turn myself in for eternal darnation.
I am well and truly darned. I won’t allow my teen to change the radio in the car from the elevator music station. I went thru the “10 Items or Less” line with 11 items. Once, I deliberately didn’t close the cover before striking. I clip my fingernails at my desk.
Yep. Well and truly darned…
Welcome, ye minor nobility of Heck! Your titles are granted. Pitchsporks all around!
Ross: Nice poem. Any chance you could put it into hexameters?
dantheman: How many times do I have to tell you, Phil has, er, voluntarily retired to his 100-hectare country estate. Now, stop heckling or I shall have to make a hecatomb of you!
(Sorry. In addition to Constitutional Monarch, I hereby appoint myself Lady High Secretary of bad puns.)
Says the Mermaid
What’ll you do if I stare at your tits?!
You know mermaids are not know for their modesty, so stare away baby----they are magnificent.
You can look for me perched on a rock somewhere near the ocean’s edge. Just don’t get close enough to hear my siren’s song or…
Hm. Need any help in the pun department, Lady High Secretary of Bad Puns?
Given the demonic instrument of choice in Heck–the spork–I’d offer my username, but I’m afraid I don’t have the tine.
Looking for a bridge to span Semioblivio, the River of Not Remembering Very Much? I think there’s one in Venice that is just the right Sighs.
On my way to the club tonight, I saw the Seven Seals. They’re fun to watch in their tank, as they throw beach balls back and forth.
I darned my socks the other night. Guess they showed up here.
You know, the other day, someone asked me if they were near Heck. I said, “You’re getting warmer.”
Hey, and have you seen the Four Horsemen–Mediocrity, Forgetfulness, Procrastination, and…well, I guess it’s just an average joke. If I remember, I’ll finish it later.
One of the darned asked me where he could find the Lake of Fire. I said we only had a Lake of Smoldering Embers, and it was in the smoking section.
Ba-dum-bum!
Thank you, thank you very much. Hey, you’ve been a terrific audience. No, seriously, I mean that…
Oh! I’ve got to be part of this…think of the delicious irony! Think snow…in HECK! C’mon, that’s just too rich to pass up.
I can here the wails, the cries for relief as I saunter by, ignoring their plight, surrounded by my own frosty presence!
To show I’m worthy of the Darned, I, uh…cuss and drink and have sexual relations…’course, those aren’t pre-marital, ‘cuz I’m not getting married, so maybe those don’t count.
Wadaya say?
::stares::
::salivates::
::stares::
::salivates::
I wish to apply for a position in Heck. I think I’m more than qualified in the Annoying People Dept. and am constantly told I have habits that annoy the Hell outta people, which, of course, makes them ready for Heck.
I even have my own little devil outfit.
In black.
Leather.
Which surely darns me to Heck right off the bat.
From:
Myself
742 Nomatta
Void, CA
976-555-3250
To:
Fretful Porpentine
C/O SDMB
Heck
RE: Job posting
Sir or Madam,
I am looking for not-too-challenging position in a semi-dynamic company in a growth industry such as yours. Compensation negotiable, starting with high, three figures–but one must be a red-head.
WORK EXPERIENCE:
1966 (Summer) Murphy’s Law Firm
Intern
1967 - 1968 Acme Chaos, Limited
(Part-time after school) Untied shoes and removed memory from elastic.
1969 (June) Cupid Industries, Weddings Division
Moved rings from one pocket to another, caused groom to forget in-laws names. Reason for leaving: Seasonal
1970 - 1982 Maytag
Removed assorted socks from varioius laundry.
1981 - 1986 Freelance
Placed insects in picnic lunches, smuggled cold germs across state lines.
1986 - 1992 Sisyphus Federal Prison (Guest)
Learned to make paper-cuts and short circuits.
1993 - 2000 Shopping Cart Dings International MLM
Sales/Distribution, SF Bay Area
Distributor of the Year 1998
10/2000 - 1/2001 Florida Elections Commission
Chads
2/2001 SDMB
Tpyos, double posting, troll design and double posting. Reason for leaving: Caught not writing to Boards during work hours.
3/2001 - present Microsoft
I rearrange icons on remote computer desktops after a crash.
EDUCATION:
Queasy State
B.S. Headaches, 1997
NCAA Champion 1996: Erroneous trajectory of spheres
Community Service: Deputy Director (Local) “National Panic Foundation.” I supervise recycling of “Gawd Awful®” Noises for automobiles, camp sites and anywhere teenagers have sex.
Since I’m already a denizen of the underworld, a move to Heck would be a move UP!
I do know, however, a foolproof way to get Fretful to darn me at great length and rain tepid bathwater and soapstone on my head for eternity – all I have to do is to point out that Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford, was the true Shakespeare!
Pluto – an icy little planet darned to a warm place.