I always have a problem with negative or slightly paranoid thinking and feelings; I guess that comes with being depressed. Often a time I look at my friends and colleagues who are ‘normal’ and wonder if they have to deal with the shitty thoughts that I have, such as “The boss actually hates me and is not saying anything” or “I’m a failure for life!!”
So well-adjusted dopers, do you have negative thoughts too? Of what type and intensity? Is it rare?
By well-adjusted, I mean never being diagnosed for depression or other mental illness, have generally no need for angst and, well, ‘stable’.
Oh, all the time. Then I check myself and say ‘Hang on, am I being overly dramatic/sensitive here?’
Also, I sometimes wonder if people who are unhappy think that people who are not unhappy are happy. Most of the time, I’m just neutral, but if someone asks me if I’m happy, I’ll say that I am. But it’s more than there is a lack of unhappiness than an abundance of happiness. Does that make sense?
I have suffered from depression in the past, but I nevertheless consider myself ‘well-adjusted,’ so I am going to answer anyway.
I do have negative thoughts sometimes. I reckon everyone does. They are rare and generally not very severe. I live in a foreign country so typically they are some form of ‘man wtf am I doing here… nobody appreciates me.’ The reason they are (currently) water off my duck-like back is that over the years I’ve learned how to mostly detach myself from negative thoughts and consider if they have any validity without getting overly emotional. The vast majority of the time the negative statements are just the whining of a tired body.
Far more invidious than over-the-top negative thoughts that are easily rejected upon rational reflection is the creeping grumpies, where-in the slow trickle of daily stresses culminates in a bad mood with no apparent cause. Exacerbated by this horrid winter, the creeping grumpies can take a bit of effort and purposeful self-cheering-up to combat.
It’s not that I don’t have negative thoughts. It’s just that when I do have negative thoughts they come, stay for a while, and then they go. My wife’s been fighting depression for years and she tells me some of the things that get her down. I have similar thoughts myself but they are more or less fleeting for me whereas she carries them around all the time and can’t move on. On a rare occasion I’ll stay awake at night worrying or be down on myself about some damn thing but when the morning comes the feeling will recede as I get going with my day. With her it’ll be just as bad the whole day.
Awww, I’m sorry to see you don’t want to hear from fellow depressives, because I was going to give you the before/after version–the reason I can tell my meds work.
eh, I’ll tell you anyway, and you can ignore if it really doesn’t answer your question.
As you know, depression manifests itself differently in everyone. Even at my worst, I didn’t have the paranoid-type thoughts; I was too busy assuming everyone simply disliked me and were ignoring me (thanks mom!). My big thing is also ruminating–re-living crappy experiences and getting just as worked up as I did when they originally occurred.
Once the meds kicked in, those disappeared. I didn’t notice it at first, until one day I realized that I wasn’t assuming people hated me/wasn’t ruminating.
I still get my feelings hurt, but the hurt isn’t soul-shaking, and it no longer affirms that everyone hates me, like it used to. The other thing is, to refer to your example, I can look at a boss who is acting like an asshole and feel hurt, but at the same time realize he’s being an asshole, and it isn’t because I’m worthless.
Again, I know you want to hear from non-depressives (and I look forward to their responses too!), but I wanted to let you know how it felt for one of your own.
I admit that that never cross my mind before. It’s a good idea actually, so I guess it’s all right if you are well-adjusted, were well-adjusted, or still in the process of it.
Very, very rarely I feel paranoid about how someone else feels about me. Usually though, it is because of some specific fact-based event. Not nebulous negative thoughts.
Statements like “I’m a failure for life” don’t occur to me. If they did occur to me, I would immediately dismiss them as ridiculous. I’m only 35 and I’m on my 5th city, my 4th car, and my 3rd career. Some things don’t work out. That’s okay. You don’t have to be the best at everything. Other things do work out!
I guess I am what you would consider “normal”. I have never been diagnosed with anything, have never been to s shrink, and have never taken any medications.
I am very much like Hello Again. Once in a blue moon I’ll get paranoid about something that bothers me, and fret over it a while. It happens once or twice a year.
I don’t let problems bother me on a day to day basis. My attitude is that problems are a normal/expected occurrence in life. Instead of stressing over them, I either fix them or ignore them. Perhaps it’s because I’m an engineer; in my professional life, my job is to solve problems. I do the same in my personal life.
One thing that helps is that I am working on countless projects, both at work and at home. So I don’t have time to sit around and think “negative thoughts” about stuff. I have things to do.
I suppose I get negative thoughts often enough, and I ruminate on them enough. But I’ve gotten pretty good at evicting them from my head and replacing them with more positive thoughts. Mind you it’s taken me decades of work to get good at that.
One thing that helps is to just smile, believe it or not. I know that when someone is in a bad mood the advice to smile makes one all stabby. But there really is a body-mood connection, and just acting happier can manifest itself in actually feeling happier.
Like Autoclyus, I have suffered from depression in the past, but it was reactive (it’d be a far more abnormal reaction not to get depressed living in the circumstances I was) and I’ve been fine and sorted for many years now, so I’m going to answer anyway.
It’s not that I never have negative thoughts, but I shake them off pretty quickly. I’m naturally optimistic and quite robust, emotionally - nothing ever gets me down for long. And I seem to have been blessed with iron-clad self-confidence and self-esteem, so it would never even occur to me think that I’m not good enough or people don’t like me. On the odd occasion when it’s clear someone doesn’t, I just write it off as their problem and forget about it.
Count me in the “normal” group as defined by never having been diagnosed or needed treatment for a mental issue.
Sure, everyone has negative thoughts. It’s just a part of life. Occasionally I have self hating moments, other hating moments, depressed thoughts, etc. The important thing to remember is that they are rare, and usually irrational. Logic and keeping a positive attitude are wonderful things. The two keys that helped me were :
What people in general think about you is completely unimportant. There are billions of people around. Many will like you just fine, no need to bother with the rest.
Accept the things you cannot change. Why get stressed about money? It doesn’t help. What does help is picking up more hours, asking for a raise, etc… Just go with the flow and do your best. Sometimes it won’t work out. That’s just life.
Any depressions I’ve had have, like Jennyrosity’s, been perfectly-normal reactions to shitty situations (I call that “exogenous depression”, it’s directly caused by something external).
Negative thoughts? Yes, of course. “My body sucks aardvark dick! Damn but I need to lose weight” on the day before my period starts is a long-time favorite, but it’s not a matter of hating myself, it’s a matter of hating bloat and not realizing that’s what it is. “Wonder what would it feel like if I drove against the pillar / if I drove off the side” when crossing a bridge is not my notion of a positive thought, but I do promise it’s not suicidal ideation: I have zero intent to actually run the test.
When I get a negative impression of someone (either as a person or of his intent at the time), I go over what I’ve actually seen/heard them do. I make a conscious choice to assume that “everybody is nice” rather than “everybody is out to screw the rest of the world / looks only for number one”; I don’t want to make negative assumptions based on generalizations. At the same time, if I find that I can pinpoint hints that this person in question does have specific negative traits, I accept that they do.
There’s nothing wrong with an idea being negative if it happens to be true; there’s also nothing wrong with fleeting negative thoughts: what’s a problem is having negative ideas which are untrue, not realizing this and letting it take you down.
I don’t know if I count as well adjusted or not by anyone elses definition, but I do know that I have pretty good coping skills so that when things do come up that are negative or depressing or what have you I can deal with them in a healthy manner so that even the lingering ones don’t really have any lasting effect.
I have crazy/paranoid/morbid thoughts floating around in my head quite often, and I would say I come across to others as a fairly well-adjusted individual. Sometimes I wonder, as well, if all the other normal people I know have similar thoughts or if I’m just alone in my hidden insanity.
No diagnoses here and have never had a reason to seek one out. My negative thoughts are usually of the “worst case scenario” type. I extrapolate a tiny thing into the worst possible outcome… then I tell myself why that isn’t going to happen. Then I move on.
The well-adjusted, seemingly “happy” people are either:
Genetically blessed with these coping mechanisms
Were brought up in a self-affirming environment where they learned healthy coping mechanisms
Are good fakers
I’m #3. As a depressive (on meds), and lots of therapy on mindfulness, I can tell you that self-compassion has saved my life. The negative thoughts are chronic and malignant in a depressive. You are certainly not “abnormal” because you ruminate or don’t handle a situation as good as someone else. You are rejecting and fighting those thoughts. That’s why they aren’t ending.
You get opinions from these people who are good, healthy copers, they’ll make it seem like it’s the easiest/most natural thing to let water roll off their back. That’s how they are wired, and they have a tendency to have very little compassion for anyone who struggles with rumination. Don’t get too hung up on their advice/opinions. (i.e. “I’m too busy to sit around and worry”). Doesn’t work like that honey.
What’s normal? There’s no normal. Nobody’s “normal.”
Someone once said to me that your success in life isn’t determined by not having obstacles. It’s determined by how you deal with those obstacles.
In my infancy and childhood, I suffered from abuse and neglect that would make most people queasy. But I decided a very long time ago (before I even hit 10 years old) that I was going to live a good life. Once that decision is made, you’re 75% on your way to being a “well-adjusted” individual. The other 25% is introspection and rewiring of the brain to disable defense mechanisms.
Do I have negative thoughts? God, all the time. I wonder if my boss is pissed off and not telling me, or if I have the discipline and chutzpah to complete my degree, or if I’m doing as well in life as my peers. I have regrets and things I wish I had done or didn’t do. The important thing is, I know I’m going to get up and go to work the next day and go to class after quitting time. You do what you’re supposed to do and don’t let anyone discourage you, and everything else will fall into place.
When you wake up in the morning, you have one and only one option: Get out of bed. What’s the alternative?
I have to work with the public on a regular basis. While I do not wish any ill on anybody, I occasionally feel guilty realizing how little I’d care if anything did. Every year I tell myself I’m a damn loser if I can’t find another line of work. And I said “every year” so you can tell how good that motivational strategy is working out.
I occasionally daydream about doing something spontaneous, but maybe a bit self-destructive like quitting work and going on a road trip. I’ve even go so far as to total up all my money and credit lines and count up how long I could probably survive before being dead broke. I’d deal with the bill collectors when I got done.
I get reactions and negitive emotions when my life is crappy (see my recent thread in MPSIMS about caring for my dying father if you’re really interested) however when the situation resolves the feelings go away.
So, with that out of the way, I do get negitive thoughts but I think they tend to be more realistic as opposed to the dire thoughts many who are depressed get and I can rAtionalize them away when they happed. So rather than ‘Nobody likes me. I should just leave.’ I get ‘Hummm, Sue really doesn’t like me. Sue is a total beyotch, mind you. SHE should leave.’
I also don’t tend to get the catastrophic thinking that comes with depression - if smething crap happens I look to the other side to when it will be over as opposed to thinking it will never end.
So, for me it’s a bit of a combo of not getting the thoughts very often and dismissing them outright when I do.
FWIW, I was recently wondering about post-partum depression - as in’Do I have it?’ however, I gave myself a depression schedule and actually had NONE of the symptoms. Huh. Then I realized that most of the time I could probably be diagnosed with hypo-mania and what I’m experiencing right now is probably ‘normal’. Go figure.
