sigh This reminds me of sitting in a bar once, and being accosted by a patron 'cause I was reading at him! instead of watching the game. In his estimation, reading at a bar and not otherwise participating in the sporting festivities was a veritable insult, to be addressed by harassment, vandalism, and physical conflict. Fortunately, he was as stupid as he was aggressive, and I was able to terminate his obnoxiousness with a suitable minimum of physical unpleasantness, but nonetheless the nucleus for the conflict was an unwillingness to accept that some people behave differently than others.
You write of having “obligations” to a host, and I agree: one should say “Please,” and “Thank you,” offer to help with the dishes, clean up after using the bath, strip the bed the morning before leaving, and so forth. It is typically adroit to bring a gift in thanks for the graciousness of hosting people in one’s home. And yes, one should make the effort possible to socialize in the appropriate manner. But some people–and the “Iron Woman” described by the o.p.–simply lack this capacity through no intentional or volitional fault. Lacking any complaint from the o.p. regarding the cleanliness and consideration of the guests other than the lack of social affect, I’m assuming that they were in other ways acceptable guests, and yet, “Iron Woman” is, pursuant to above comments and the like, to be condemned for being a monkey of a different color, which is, ultimately, the greatest crime any person can ever commit.
But I also think that acknowledging your host as a person is part of that obligation. And the same goes for a host who has a guest in their house. Ignoring your guest/host, pretending they’re not there…those just seem like rude things to do. If you honestly can’t do that, then I suppose there’s nothing to be done, but in people who do know better, those are pretty rude behaviors.
I find it highly improbable that someone in a “people position” could be utterly lacking in people skills or knowledge of the basics of social interaction. Her job requires verbal give and take with every client, every day.
Her job? Ah, yeah, she’s a physical therapist as the OP notes.
In that case? I genuinely don’t know. But if she does have people skills and merely chooses not to use them (getting into the game, etc.) then that’s definitely rude. If you know you’re not going to be sociable because you’ve got an important triathalon, then don’t expect others to go out of their way for you.
This touches on one of those perpetual thorny issues, which is that there are situations where behavior that is value-neutral, like being socially awkward or being on a restricted diet, is easy for others to perceive as rude because of the social expectations that have been built around hospitality.
I notice this with my sister, who follows a very restrictive diet for health and weight loss. Even though she is extremely polite about it in my experience, and never tries to guilt or shame her hosts or dining companions about whatever they choose to eat, even if she can’t eat it, she reports problems with people projecting their issues onto her, getting uncomfortable or cranky around her as though her diet is a judgement of them, etc.
When you don’t participate in certain parts of the social communion, people get really edgy, even though you really didn’t do anything wrong by it.
It seems intractable, which is sad, since I know that in my case, if people give me a chance, I open up and can behave in a totally “normal” way.
Of course, I was not there for the OP’s experience, so this lady could just be a total hoser who thinks she’s too cool for him. There’s no way to really know.
Since you didn’t bother to actually address your concern with the person involved, there’s really no way to tell what was going on. But I agree with those who say that there are plenty of possible explanations that don’t involve being rude. And being communicative in a work situation (where there is a specific context and protocol for the exchange) is not really comparative to a social situation. It’s also possible that you were being unintentionally overbearing or aggressive.
You seem to be seeing things from the perspective of just yourself and this woman. Where was your wife in all this? The woman may have felt that her invitation was from your wife specifically and not you. It can often be awkward to try to socialize in a situation where you feel very comfortable with one person but don’t have anything in common with the other person and are only socializing with them because they are “attached” to the person you came to see.
I don’t agree with those who consider not following some arbitrary custom as being rude. One can be unintentionally inconsiderate, but you can’t be unintentionally rude. Rudeness requires malevolent intent. There’s lots of people who don’t enjoy lots of small talk or excessive conversation. Why are they rude rather than the people who try and force them into pointless blather?