I have reached the ripe old age of twenty-six and I still have great difficulty looking people in the eye during conversation. Friends, strangers, it doesn’t matter. My usual method is to let my eyes rest on some nearby object or to look at the hand or shoulder of the person to whom I am speaking. I look at the person’s face only rarely. I can make myself look people in the eye when it’s absolutely necessary (e.g. job interviews), but it’s not easy. It makes me feel very vulnerable.
Friends get used to this habit of mine quickly. They know that I really am attending to the conversation. It can bother people, though. They often think I’m shifty or insecure. Does anyone else have this problem? Has anyone here gotten over it, and if so, how?
I generally either make too little eye contact or too much. It doesn’t help that when someone asks me a question I tend to think for a few seconds while staring off into space, and then launch into a complete explaination of my answer and all relevent considerations in coming to that conclusion. :rolleyes:
Now, I tend to look at someone when they are talkiing, and look over their shoulder when I’m talking to them. I guess it works, but honestly, I don’t have that many non-work conversations with anyone so I don’t really know.
Well, it sounds like it works for you. I think I’m doing about the same thing as you describe, but people are continually telling me to look at them. One of my friends actually will pause in mid-sentence to ask me to look him in the eyes.
When I was in kindergarten or so, the teacher said to always look people in the eye when you are talking to them. So of course I do so, it having become a habit over the years. The majority of people either look away, think I am trying to be intimidating, or think that I am just plumb crazy (they might be right on the last count).
My husband is the direct opposite, at least with people he doesn’t know very well. In fact, the first time I met him I thought him to be suspiciously shifty-eyed. I of course now know better, but I wish I could do the avoiding-eye-contact thing. My habit of looking people in the eye has made me feel uncomfortable more than once (after having gauged the reaction of others).
So I am guessing that, as in most things, moderation is the key.
Eh, I don’t really have this problem. Except for once in a blue moon, I have a lazy eye that will start acting up. When it does and I’m trying to have a conversation with somebody; I just want to crawl out of my frick’n skin because I just get so self-conscious about it.
Or you could just focus on one eye. Much easier that way.
I’m sometimes told I have a “crazy guy” look when I get to immersed in the talking and staring, though, so try not to go overboard. Break off every once in a while or something.
I’m the same, although not as bad I don’t think. I think it’s a lack of confidence thing… when I worked in a shop, I’d look customers in the eye (most of the time), because I was confident that I was in the right place, doing the right thing (I’d worked there for 6 years).
If I’m in an unfamiliar situation, I tend to avoid eye contact - to the extent of looking at something on a nearby desk, or similar. Not a problem with friends though, again, I’m confident with them.
On the subject of lazy eye - I was at school with a girl with a lazy eye, and it was very very disturbing. She’d look you in the eye with her right eye, but her left eye was looking over your right shoulder. I kept turning round to see what she was looking at. Weird.
I look people dead on in the eye. It never even occured to me it could be disconcerting. I thought I was giving them my full attention. I’ll be more observant of their signs in the future, promise.
I have the same problem - and have people telling me the same thing. I just don’t know why I don’t look - it’s a habit. I work on it when I think about it.
I’ve always been afraid of looking people in the eye. I’m sure it came from being picked on when I was younger. I usually didn’t even think of it consciously, but then at some point in my twenties, it dawned on me that people who don’t look other people in the eye can seem, not just shy, but actually dishonest and untrustworthy, so I started trying to work on it.
It was extremely hard at first, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that when you look people in the eye, nothing bad happens! Indeed, often, nice things happen, like they smile pleasantly or make a little joke and give you a sly wink. Who knew?
I guess for so long, whenever I said something to someone, they were likely to roll their eyes, or make a face, or say something mean, and I just had decided that I was sick of staring at peole while they gave those scornful reactions.
Sometimes my unconcious self needs to be reminded that the Real World isn’t full of evil, tyrannical schoolteachers, nasty children and asshole teenagers.
Back in my somewhat insecure days, I learned to look through people, instead of looking away or at something behind them. It’s kind of a trick to do. These days, I can stare down anything/anybody. It’s interesting how much social meaning surrounds looking at someone/something dead in the eye. It goes beyond human/primate social circles as well. You ever look at your dog or cat dead in the eye? (Disclaimer, don’t try this with an animal that you know can whoop your ass!)
Anaamika, I challenge you to a steely eyed staring contest 0_0
In a college psychology class we had to do a project (which also came in very handy in all my acting classes, I might add): we had to note, with a stopwatch, the length of time for eye-contact and otherwhere-contact, as well as when during a conversation these happened. Overwhelmingly, for casual conversation (as opposed to a boss giving orders or a teacher giving a lecture) we discovered that:
People doing the talking do not make eye-contact, but will look elsewhere (ceiling, floor, their own hands, etc.).
People doing the listening do look at the talker, but most often at the mouth, ear or forehead. Real eye contact is impossible because the talker is looking away.
When the roles of taker/listener switch, so do the points of focus. The now-talker looks away, and the now-listener looks at the talker.
Eye-contact was made briefly at the moment of switching roles, sort of an “are you done talking? Is it my turn?” check-in.
Eye contact was initiated by the speaker to emphasize a point. This eye contact lasted roughly twice as long or even longer than the “switching roles signal” eye contact.
So for proper social skills, it’s not only being able to make eye-contact, but knowing when it’s appropriate to do so. And as I watch great actors, I notice where they look when they talk. It’s almost never at the person they’re talking to. Mediocre actors, on the other hand, always try to push eye-contact when they’re talking.
As far as the anxiety goes, it may be something you grow out of or it may not. Are you generally anxious in social situations, or only when eye contact happens? If so, you might be dealing with a more generalized anxiety disorder. If not, you may be a beta person (as opposed to an alpha person.) Nothing wrong with that, just good information to have.
It’s sometimes a real effort, but I usually am able to look someone in the eye when I’m talking to them. Unless it’s a pretty girl, that’s really, really hard for me.
I think that good eye contact is critical – it’s something I definitely notice about people when I meet them (and I especially notice it about men on a first date). I don’t see a lack of eye contact as shifty or dishonest, but I do see it as a sign of insecurity. It bugs me when someone I’m talking with doesn’t look me in the eye.
That said, it’s not like I’m a staring freak or anything. I look away at what I feel are appropriate times, but I’m definitely capable of sustained eye contact if the situation warrants.
I have absolutely nothing but my memory to back up the following statement, but many moons ago I remember hearing that if there is a speaker addressing a group of people (like a teacher in a classroom), they will tend to subconsciously sustain eye contact with whoever makes eye contact with them. It’s something I started paying attention to, and it seems to be true: in one extreme example, I was the only person in a room making eye contact with the speaker, and they wound up delivering nearly their entire talk directly to me. Since going back to school I’ve noticed it with teachers, too, but they’re a little more practiced at talking to people who aren’t looking at them so the phenomenon isn’t as extreme with them.
I fight this all the time. It doesn’t help that I’m audio-oriented either… I usually angle my ear towards the speaker and hold conversations that way.
If I’m actually looking at someone, it’s because I’m in a situation where I feel I’m forced to - and my thoughts then focus on a random stream of “shoulds”: you should smile, you should nod, you should say yes, you shouldn’t look at them too directly… etc. This to the point where I’m busy directing myself and not paying attention to whats being said!
At the same time, this is REALLY annoying if you’re doing the talking! I have a friend who does the exact same thing - makes little eye contact listening and speaking - and I can’t tell half the time if he’s hearing me or speaking to me.
Consequently I realize that really addressing someone can be an effective tool. Unfortunately for me, my laid-back nature just isn’t in tune with this, so I usually have to be in an unnatural state - flustered, tired, hungry, etc - in order to work up the “edge” to address a person in a less indirect way.
I usually can’t follow the conversation unless I’m looking at the person’s mouth. I do this with actors in movies and in plays, too. It’s not so much a confidence thing, usually, as it is a comprehension thing with me. I can do it with Ardred, to an extent, but I often lose the thread of conversation, even with him.
I saw a study on some tv show once that said that one of the differences between autistic people and people not on the spectrum was that the autistic people tended to watch people’s mouths, while the non-autistic watched eyes. Hmm. They did an eye tracker experiment while people of both persuasions watched a lovers’ quarrel in an old movie.
