Do you have a problem with eye contact?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Eye contact. It’s a tricky thing, or is it just me? It has been pointed out to me that I tend to avoid eye contact – not in intimate situations but in everyday business/social situations. Not that I avoid it totally, but prolonged eye contact just makes me kind of awkward. And then I start to think about it even more.

Say I’m going to talk to a colleague, an acquaintance but not a good friend. I’m talking away. My brain butts in: “Eye contact. Make some eye contact!” So I do. “Ack - they’re staring at me! Or am I staring? Look away for a bit”… “Right, that’s enough, more eye contact…”

By which point I’m concentrating on the ins and outs of eye contact that I stop concentrating on what I’m actually saying!

OK, this is an exaggerated example, but I do find it distracting and not “natural”.

So, anyone else feel like this? Any tips? How much eye contact is too much? Should one look right into the eyes – which always strikes me as a little creepy – or at a nearby spot on their face and risk looking boss-eyed?

2

Tip from my Rhetoric teacher - If you have to look someone in the eye, stare at the bridge of their nose. Then you won’t get the feeling they are staring you down.
When speaking in a group situation, at meetings and gathering, look just over the audience’s heads. To them it will look like you are looking directly at them but you are spared that feeling of being scrutinized.

3

Nope. I am the eye-contact queen. Actually, what’s funny, is that I am so accustomed to making sure that I make eye-contact that I feel awkward if I don’t make eye-contact. It is a habit from many years of public speaking that I will make contact with whomever I happen to speaking to – in larger groups, I will move from one set of eyes to the next and make contact with all the eyes. I do, I admit, tend to actually look at the bridge of the nose, as it is easier to focus on than eyes.

I also have a “very strong personality” so I have been in those instances wherein I happen to be staring off into space (in reality) and someone thinks I am “challenging” them because the “space” into which I am staring happens to be their eyes. LOL. On my last visit to NYC, I was admonished by my host to not make eye contact with all the strangers on the street, that it “could get <me> killed.” Meh…whatever. If I die over being polite enough to look someone in the eye, so be it.

Oh, and I find people who won’t look me in the eyes at least momentarily while speaking to me to be very…creepy. My ex once made a statement that I found to be very profound (for him, at least). He said, “I have found that I now refuse to even consider dating a woman who spends more time looking at her shoes than my eyes – that kind of low self-esteem is just a ticking time bomb in a relationship.” It does take a certain amount of (real or pretend, doesn’t matter, so long as you can pull it off) self- assuredness to keep eye contact.

If you find it distracting and awkward, practice it in the mirror on yourself. Seriously. And use the bridge of the nose thing. Of course, you don’t have to keep eye contact constantly while speaking with someone, but it should feel natural – it’s really just being polite. It tells the other person that he/she is important enough for you to focus your attention on him/her and nothing else.

4

I don’t like it when people don’t maintain eye contact with me. I love eye contact, it makes me feel both of us are human…the lack thereof is just disturbing. :slight_smile:

5

I was going to answer in the negative, but when I think about it I think I do have a bit of a problem with it. When listening to someone speak, I tend to look at his or her mouth. It’s not that I’m hard of hearing or anything, it’s just – I don’t know, I also look at the stereo speakers when I listen to music.

Tip for those intending to rob me – Wear a scarf over your nose and mouth, rather than one of those eye masks. I identify people by their mouths.

6

I have two instances that make it hard for me to make eye contact.

First: When I’m at work or I’m in a public building walking down a narrow hallway. When ever there is a person walking the opposite direction of me and I KNOW we are going to pass each other; I never know WHEN to make eye contact or WHEN to give the polite smile or nod of the head. (Jeez! I hate that!)

Second: I’ve got a lazy eye that likes to kick in every once in a while. Sometimes when I’m having a conversation; I can feel it kicking in at the most inopportune of times. When ever this happens I get incredibly self conscience and tend to look away from the person I’m speaking to.

7

[QUOTE=SHAKES]
Second: I’ve got a lazy eye that likes to kick in every once in a while. Sometimes when I’m having a conversation; I can feel it kicking in at the most inopportune of times. When ever this happens I get incredibly self conscience and tend to look away from the person I’m speaking to.
[/QUOTE]

I think this may be part of my problem. I had an operation on a lazy eye when I was a kid. AFAIK it doesn’t “wander” but it still makes me self-conscious… and then if I notice someone is looking at my eyes then I have to look away. Cos after all, if you look away from a person, they can’t se you, right? :dubious:

8

Added as an aside – Only once in my life did I really notice someone almost pathalogically incapable of meeting my gaze. I can’t remember why I was there, but I was at a garage where I’d purchased a used car from a mechanic. For some reason I needed a favor from the owner of the garage. I’m not sure what it was, but it was something like don’t be a prick and give me what you owe me, jerk. He couldn’t be bothered to deal with me face-to-face, so he sent his son as an emissary. I don’t know if the son knew he was telling me bald-faced lies, or if it was because of a lifetime of living with a jerk of a father, but this kid couldn’t look within 10 feet of my eyes.

9

Eye contact is a game of timing. Too little and you’re a cold bitch. Too much and you’re Uncle Creepy. Successful eye contact is a balance of back-and-forth between the eyes and just about any other object.

10

I only have a problem with eye-contact if I’m uncomfortable in other ways. Like when I first became a ‘lead’ in my job and had to coach and counsel others. It was dreadfully uncomfortable for me at first, and I had a hard time making or keeping eye contact. Now it bothers me not at all. If you’re creeping me out in some way, I won’t be able or willing to keep eye contact with you. Otherwise, it’s not a problem.

11

I have a massive problem with eye contact. I try very hard to give and keep eye contact… I just can’t.

I know it makes me seem stand-offish, and usually like a big, big asshole, but I just can’t help it.

I don’t know why it is. It may be a lack of trust thing, it may be a lack of confidence or maybe I just don’t like them. I find it very difficult to keep my eyes on one thing. I always have to keep them moving and keeping me up to date on my situation (which is I guess why I’m considered ‘observant’ and very aware’) The only time they stop moving is when I’m really tired, and I get really stare-y (but not at people, just objects or more often then not, nothing)

Restaurants, I don’t look at the waiter/waitress (which is where I most often realize it, and I’ve had it pointed out to me the most). In general, I don’t look at people. I honestly try, but it’s just difficult.

I’ve become a big fan of sunglasses. And I do a lot of driving at work, so I can drive and talk, and I don’t seem like I’m just ignoring them. That lets me talk normally, and I don’t have to worry about the lack of eye contact making me feel weirder than I already am.

Then again I’m not too much of small-talk fan. I’m a jack of all trades, I know a little about a whole lot of things. If it gets on to a topic I know, or even have a passing interest in, I can keep up a good conversation and relate it to other things. But when it’s just ‘how are things? How’s the family?’ I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns… Especially if they don’t know my family, and I don’t know theirs.

I really don’t like talking on the phone either, but I tend to do better over it, because people don’t get put-off by the lack of eye contact.

I’m totally with you on this. The moment is usually one of the most awkward non-conversation related moments of my everyday life.

12

[QUOTE=Colophon]
Say I’m going to talk to a colleague, an acquaintance but not a good friend. I’m talking away. My brain butts in: “Eye contact. Make some eye contact!” So I do. “Ack - they’re staring at me! Or am I staring? Look away for a bit”… “Right, that’s enough, more eye contact…”

By which point I’m concentrating on the ins and outs of eye contact that I stop concentrating on what I’m actually saying!

OK, this is an exaggerated example, but I do find it distracting and not “natural”.

So, anyone else feel like this?
[/QUOTE]

I do.

I can’t really read nonverbal body-language signals. So I don’t notice if someone is making eye contact with me or not, unless I consciously make a point of trying to notice. So I don’t naturally try to make eye contact, either. I was the kid who could be looking out the window, apparently daydreaming, but when the teacher called on me, I could repeat back what she’d been saying word for word. It took me years to learn that most people do think it is significant if you make eye contact or not, even though I don’t.

I don’t worry too much about it with friends and family- they know me, and they know about this particular one of my many quirks. Someone who doesn’t deal well with quirky people is very unlikely to be someone who would seek out my company, or who I would want to spend much time with. Fortunately, I work in IT, where stuff like eye contact is less important than technical skills. I tend to socialize mostly with other geeks, who tend to be tolerant of people who don’t always give off the right social cues or understand other people’s nonverbal cues. Most of my friends are men, and that’s always been the case- men, especially male geeks, are less likely to expect me to pick up on their nonverbal cues or be looking for such cues from me.

Oh, and I LOVE the internet- I can socialize with people without worrying that I’m sending unintended nonverbal signals or not picking up on someone else’s nonverbal signals. The internet is an absolute godsend for people who can’t read nonverbal cues. On the internet, everybody gets misunderstood or misunderstands someone else in the way that’s always happening to people like me in real life.

When I go on an interview or give a presentation, having to remind myself to make eye contact reminds me of my ballet teacher reminding me to smile and point my toes while I danced. It’s exhausting. I’m absolutely drained after even an hour or so of any situation where I’m trying to make a good impression on someone who doesn’t know me well.

13

[QUOTE=tdn]
I was going to answer in the negative, but when I think about it I think I do have a bit of a problem with it. When listening to someone speak, I tend to look at his or her mouth. It’s not that I’m hard of hearing or anything, it’s just – I don’t know, I also look at the stereo speakers when I listen to music.

Tip for those intending to rob me – Wear a scarf over your nose and mouth, rather than one of those eye masks. I identify people by their mouths.
[/QUOTE]

Heh, I tend to watch people’s mouths when they speak, also – but because of my dyslexia. It helps me to have the additional visual stimulus of seeing their lips making the sounds for my brain to process the aural stimulus of the sounds. I make eye contact when I speak, but watch lips when they speak.

14

Why is everybody staring at Colophon?

15

I think I have the problem mostly in 1-on-1 conversations with women at work. At times I’ll realize that I am looking at various places around the room - often just over their shoulder or past their head. Not sure why. I have been told more than once that I am “intimidating” and similar things - I think due to my size, and - uh - less than warm and cuddly personality/behavior. So I think I feel maintaining eye contact will be viewed as a threat/challenge. When I realize I am not making eye contact, I will make eye contact for a few seconds, and then look away, and then look back.

OTOH, it bugs me when I’ll pass someone on the street - or another runner on the path while out running, and they do not even make eye contact, wave, or otherwise acknowledge your existence.

16

Eye contact is very important to me. Everyone has had those “when do I look? for how long? and where?” questions, but if you have enough self-confidence you’ll manage to figure it out – at least on a case-by-case basis. When I meet someone, an avoidance of eye contact says “I’m very insecure.” You can be PC and call it simple shyness, but that kind of shyness typically doesn’t mesh with my personality. If you can’t make even basic eye contact with me, we probably won’t get along too well.

[QUOTE=Litoris]
My ex once made a statement that I found to be very profound (for him, at least). He said, “I have found that I now refuse to even consider dating a woman who spends more time looking at her shoes than my eyes – that kind of low self-esteem is just a ticking time bomb in a relationship.” It does take a certain amount of (real or pretend, doesn’t matter, so long as you can pull it off) self- assuredness to keep eye contact.
[/QUOTE]
Yep, I’m that way, too: on my first date with my now-boyfriend I wasn’t sure about him because at first he wouldn’t make eye contact, but by the time we parted ways he’d sustained eye contact a few times and I felt much better about him.

17

I’m 6’3" 300 pounds so I love eyeballing people. It gets their attention really fast and lets them know to listen to what I’m saying and that I mean business. Except with ladies . Some of them get that bedroom thing going where it feels like thier burning holes through you brain with lasers or something. That shit makes me get all twitchy.Turns me into a little boy.

18

I usually adjust the amount of eye contact for the situation. More serious things call for more eye contact. If it’s a job interview, eye contact a vast majority of the time, unless there’s something that must have your attention/your attention is directed at it. If it’s a casual setting, I’ll look up at the sky to flavor a sentence, have my attention taken by boobs, or notice a bird flying through the sky behind them…that sort of thing.

Then again, I start thinking within myself if the conversation isn’t too good. Worst thought I ever had in a conversation, courtesy of Jim Carrey, was what the person talking to me would do if i punched them in the face. In the list of probable things that could happen, getting punched in the face has to be nonexistent. What would that moment of silence be like just after I did it? What would they say? Could I POSSIBLY smooth it over afterwards?

19

[QUOTE=Misnomer]
Yep, I’m that way, too: on my first date with my now-boyfriend I wasn’t sure about him because at first he wouldn’t make eye contact, but by the time we parted ways he’d sustained eye contact a few times and I felt much better about him.
[/QUOTE]

Hmm, I may have the answer. What is your bra size?

20

I didn’t think I had a problem with eye contact until I realized how well I knew the layout of a room whenever I had a conversation with someone. I’m constantly looking around, but I think I have taught myself to return to the eyes every now and then, if only briefly. If you stare at the eyes too long, they take your soul.