What's wrong with me? (long, self-pity)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I don’t understand people. By that, I don’t mean that there’s one particular incident which has led me to being confused about how certain people are acting: I mean I don’t understand people.

At dinner the other day, a group of us were comparing our earliest memories. Mine? Being yelled at by my pre-school teacher. I was three or four, and she kept telling me to look people in the eyes when I spoke to them. I didn’t, and I couldn’t explain why I didn’t want to. It was hard enough to understand me, she said, because I had a speech problem. I did, and I was in speech therapy from the time I was three or four until about ten years old, when the public schools decided it wasn’t nessecary and we couldn’t afford a private therapist.

I’m eighteen and have yet to be comfortable making eye contact with people. I can never quite figure out where to look when talking to people. I’m either staring like a freak, or looking away like a freak.

Our classes at my college are all small, discussion-based classes. There’s an average of fifteen people per class. All my classes are incredibly supportive ones, with genuinely nice people. They don’t laugh if you make a mistake. I still need to force myself to speak in class. When I do talk, I’m one of the annoying ones. Filler words (um, uh, like…) are every other word.

There’s few things more frightening to me than the idea of going up to someone and starting a conversation. Half the time, even if I know them, I won’t. I can’t stand talking on the phone, though I have no problem with instant messaging or email. I’m usually the first one to break off from a group on Saturday night: being in groups of people is unsettling for me. I don’t know why. Part of it is, regardless of what we’re doing, eventually someone’s going to touch me. Sit too near me on the sofa. Something like that. I’m fine with touch if I start it - I’ll often go up to my roommate and hug her. I can’t stand to be touched if I don’t start it.

I’m generally perfectly happy on my own. Two of my favorite activities are reading and writing: both decidedly solitary things. I’m fine with being introverted. But there are occasional times when I wish I was less so, because then people wouldn’t ask me why I like being alone all the time, why I don’t want to hang out. Being less introverted would, in a way, mean needing to deal with people less.

I know I should see a psychologist about this. There’s two on campus I could talk to for free. I’ve been in therapy before, when my parents forced me. I hated it. I already know at least one of the issues. To my ears, I still have a very noticable and ugly speech impediment that makes me look like an idiot. I’ve asked one or two people about it: they say that if they listen for it they can sort of hear it. I don’t know if I should believe them. And I think I know a few of the other issues that lead to my stress level in general. I know that if I go to a psychologist and talk about it, it may help.

Yet I still won’t. Every day now for quite some time, I’ve told myself I’ll call and make an appointment. I still haven’t. I’m afraid to, for some reason. I desperately want to get these stupid, unnessecary obstacles out of the way, but I’m not willing to get help.

sigh So. Now that that horrid lump of wallowing in self-pity is out of the way - is there hope for me? Or advice? Or a loving-yet-firm thwap upside the head, telling me to stop being such a lowlife?

2

Not to sound trite but the key here is baby steps.

I’ll focus on something I know and perhaps that will help. Looking people in the eye is an important way to communicate sincerity and engender trust in the other person. It’s also a darn good way to get your point across. It is, however, a hard thing to do because you don’t want to stare too long or at an inappropriate time. A little trick I picked up many years ago is to look at people’s foreheads, right in the middle of their eyebrows. It looks like you are looking into their eyes but without any potential awkardness.

Just a little trick that if you practice might help you overcome (in a small way) your confidence issues.

3

There’s nothing wrong with being introverted, asocial, or anti-social if that’s the life you honestly want to lead.

If, however, for yourself, you really do want to be ‘out there’ I’d suggest a group like Toastmasters, perhaps a group therapy based around social anxiety or some such.

All in all though, like what you like, enjoy what you enjoy, and don’t take crap from anybody.

4

I’ll chime in on this small part. I have a speech impediment, a lisp to be exact. It was never deemed severe enough to warrant speech “therapy” in schools, though. I’ve had it all my life, and at times it has seemed worse than others. The only person who has ever mentioned it (other than my mom and dad) was my best friend in high school. Nobody else had ever commented on it. My speech has always been worse to my own ears, and not a single soul ever noticed it as much as I did. I’ll bet the same thing is true for you.

Side note: Today, at age 34, I can almost completely hide it. After years of voice lessons and classical choir, only someone who knows I have it (and is listening VERY closely) can detect it. I never had the speech therapy, and strangely enough, the thing that helped me overcome it was classical choir in high school. We sang very complex pieces in Latin, and our director was very fussy about pronunciation. She taught the whole choir a way to clip your ‘s’ sound, so they don’t slur and bleed over into another word or syllable. I applied the same thing to my everyday speech and voilà!

5

You suffer from what sounds like a social phobia. As FinnAgain suggested, you might try joining Toastmasters or taking a Dale Carnegie class to gain confidence and learn basic conversational skills, but if your phobia is much stronger than that allows you probably need to see a psychologist. There are medications which can help to reduce the underlying anxiety, which is what is causing you to be so self-critical about your impediment, but at heart what you need to get past is the idea that your “very noticeable and ugly speech impediment” will cause you to be rejected by your friends.

As Finn said, there’s nothing wrong with being introverted, but sometimes you want to get out and connect with people, and when you can’t it hurts like nobody’s business. Oh, how I know. There’s no easy answer, especially after years of reinforcing your outlook by telling yourself you don’t want to be around people, nobody likes you, everybody is looking at your pantylines, et cetera.

As far as the impediment, remember that you are probably more critical of it than everyone else is; and in a sense, it acts like a filter that keeps away people who’ll judge you superficially. If it bugs you, try to get some coaching–does your university have a speech theorpy program?–but don’t let it keep you from being with friends. One of the most popular guys in my high school had a middling affliction of Tourette’s Syndrome (in his case, a periodic twitching and occasional repetition of consanants) and it didn’t keep him from having a heck of a lot more friends than me. :frowning:

Stranger

6

It sounds like you may have social anxiety disorder. I have a bit of it myself. Eye contact is VERY hard for me, and it takes me a long time to get to know people and let them into my inner sanctum. But, please keep this in mind. Going through therapy and learning about who you are and how to deal with your stresses and anxieties does NOT mean you have to become a different person.
If you don’t like being social, then don’t be. If you enjoy solitary activities, then good for you. Do what makes you happy.

If this will help, I don’t identify with any type of groups, I prefer to be alone much of the time, I also enjoy reading and writing like you do, and I am happy being the way I am.

Good luck to you! :smiley:

7

You may want to google “highly sensitive person”- it might help to explain alot of why you are the way you are.

8

Well, you sound exactly like me. So whatever your problem is, it’s mine too. :smiley: Like you said, it’s not being introverted that bothers me, it’s people telling me I have no life/I need to talk more/I don’t know how to have fun.

I do wish I could get over my fear of the phone, though. It’s rather a hindrance.

9

Hmmm…I’ve seen this before. It doesn’t really work as a clinical diagnosis–most people would fall under the definition of HSP per the self-test on the website–and seems more like a pathologization of the normal spectrum of healthy anxieties. Not that I’m saying that many people who fall under that label don’t have genuine anxieties, but it seems like kind of an overreaching category.

The labels aren’t really that important, anyway. People get stuck on the idea of being a “Avoidant Personality Disorder” or a “Borderline Personality Disorder” without acknowledging the fact that there is an entire spectrum of behavior from “abosultly mind-numbingly dullish-plain” to “raving, manifesto-writing psychotic lunitic”, and for the most part the limits of the definitions are arbitrary. What’s important isn’t the category you fall into (whether that’s defined by the DSM or someone else’s diagnosis) but that you are able to overcome whatever anxiety you have in order to accomplish the things you want to do, like be comfortable in groups.

But that is IMHO, and I ain’t no mental health professional. Don’t even play one on TV. Heck, I don’t even have a TV. :smiley:

Stranger

10

Both Erin and Ninja:

Please, ask yourself this question. Are you afraid of other people “judging” you?
In other words, do you constantly think thoughts such as “What I have to say won’t come out right” or “They might think I look or walk funny”, or “If I say no, they won’t like me”.

If you can answer yes to those questions, that is social phobia. Believe me, I know.

You can get help, and I repeat, that doesn’t mean you have to become a different person, or suddenly become a social butterfly. It will just help you deal with the fear.

I wish you both well, and I understand what you both are going through, believe me! :smiley:

11

You could start by not thinking you deserve a smack upside the head for this.

Now let’s get serious for a moment.

First: You don’t need to make an appointment with your campus counseling center. Just walk in. If it helps, think of it as dishing personal gossip to a person who is honor-bound to keep it under wraps.

Second: Slight speech impediments can be quite sexy. Exploit it if it makes you feel better. One of my brothers is called “Remix” because he stutters, and not only does he use the name without any issues, people think that it is really cool.

Third: You can start working for an on-air spot on one of the campus radio stations—that will make you very used to your voice.

Another great thing is forensics; not the so-called science of evidence analysis, but competitive speaking. There’s more to it than debate: after dinner speeches, extemporaneous speaking, and a number of other things I just completely forgot. Regardless, it might be worth looking into. I’m so ADD that even on meds I still forget who I was speaking to on the phone between when I say “goodbye” and when the earpiece hits the cradle; however, because of debate I am able to organize my thoughts in my head very efficiently and I am able to do so with considerable confidence. The times when I get thrown off are when I’m talking to someone whom I think has to be handled with kid gloves. (And women, because they scare the hell out of me.) Additionally, in forensics you will get actual proof that you can speak clearly and effectively—and if you don’t, there is a highly-trained coach right there who is totally motivated to help you learn to be a better speaker.

Fourth: I watched a documentary about training crackers & the like to operate in the WASP socioeconomic climate. One of the things they worked on was teaching the people to not look others in the eyes. There are times to do it and times to not do it. You’re not crazy for being affected by a doofus teacher; because of my parents griping at me for nonresponse to people, I now have an almost unshakable need to respond to every statement made to me. And it’s not a need to get in the last word; I feel that I’m being rude if I don’t say something in reply to even the most trivial statement. That’s just what happens when you’re human.

Fifth: Not wanting to be touched is not pathological as long as it isn’t interfering with your life. My guess would be that instead of training yourself to want to be touched, perhaps you could use some training in how to deal with the issue of touching. You aren’t nuts because your personal space demarcation is different from others.

In conclusion, you’re okay. Stopping by the counseling center is not going to end up w/ you being found to be a loony and you’re not a freak. You are not a freak because no one bothered to teach you how to deal when others violate your personal space. You are not a freak because no one taught you the art of small talk well-enough to give you the confidence you need. And you are not a freak for being a bit introverted and perhaps shy.

Counseling is not about psychotherapy—Fraser Crane is at least a couple of generations out of date and would garner professional respect in only a narrowly defined subdiscipline. It sounds like you can articulate some specific and well-defined goals, and if the counseling center doesn’t help you find a way to reach them, then it is because they are doing their jobs poorly.

Hope that helps.

12

If you can get yourself past that first phone call, I think counseling could be a great help to you. In my experience, just talking to someone about issues like these could be make a huge difference.
As to the speed impediment: I agree that it is probably far more noticeable to you than to others. If it really bothers you, though, find out if your school has a speech/hearing center (if they don’t, check with a local hospital or school for referrals). Refer yourself for a consult, and go in and have a professional assess you. It might be reassuring to find out that, clinically, you have an almost indiscernable impediment…at least you would KNOW that the clinician is telling you the honest truth, as opposed to friends who might want to spare your feelings. If you do need speech therapy, there may be a program that you could get into for a minimal fee.
Some of what you describe is normal for a lot of people–I hate being in crowds, dislike group activities, etc. But it’s good for those to be preferences, and to know that you CAN manage the groups, etc, if you should choose to or want to.
Hang in there. You’re okay.
Best,
karol

13

I hear myself as annoying as well…but except for filler words, I have pauses as I search for the right word. Which means people often interrupt me in mid-sentence, something that makes me feel like an unimportant speaker.

I have to think hard when I speak so that I sound “good”. When I’m not careful, my voice can sound downright horrible. When I was younger, mean kids teased me about the “retarded” way I talked. As I grew older, “retarded” was replaced with “drunken” as a descriptor. I stopped talk speech after kindegarten, but I would have benefitted from more therapy long afterwards.

The fact that I have both a weird voice and slow speech makes me an inhibited, self-conscious speaker sometimes.

But there’s also another reality that I can’t ignore: I have often been described as being quite articulate and well-spoken. When I took public speaking in college, the professor–who was highly critical of most of the student presentations–always praised me after mine. As a one-time professor, I have held court in front of large audiences without breaking a sweat. Ten years ago, I couldn’t have imagined that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you 1) may not be as bad as you think you are (as in my case, maybe you were bad but now you’re better) and 2)even if you are a bad speaker, fluency is something you can improve with some practice.

I’m presently trying to improve my oral communication skills by simply talking more. Because I’m deeply introverted and without an outside-the-workplace social environment, I don’t get as much practice talking as I should get. When I’m driving home from work, I sometimes entertain myself by talking about a random topic (like, what’s wrong with the present administration) as if I was being interviewed on NPR. I get practice using those big words I’m always reading, and I also get to work on my sponteniety.

I know what you mean. Being extroverted is seen as the norm in our society. There’s a very socioable, friendly coworker who’s always asking me to go camping with her, eat dinner at her house, etc., and I always have to tell her no. For one, I don’t really like her. But secondly, after the work day is done, I need to go home. I need to kick off my shoes, pick up my little meow-meow-face, get my daily Dope fix, eat the dinner I had planned to eat two days before, and simply be me. I explained this to the coworker and although she didn’t say so, I think now she has me pegged as uninteresting and boring. Well, perhaps I am. But I’m not about to pretend that I like clubbing, getting drunk at someone’s house, or hosting huge dinner parties when that’s not what I want to do with my limited free time. She made fun of me one day and I ignored her. To me, she’s the one who needs to get a life, not me.

Even though I don’t want to be the most popular girl at the ball, sometimes I want to want to be one. I have a feeling you’re like me.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, NinjaChick.

14

Well, I don’t know about you, but I have a horrid time meeting peoples’ eyes. I have to force myself, very deliberately, to look up, and meet someone’s eyes. This didn’t used to be true. I have become aphasic (a speech impediment similar to stuttering, but involving the complete inability to get a word out, rather than repeating the starting sound over and over) under stress, over the last couple of years. The greater the stress, the less I’m capable of speaking, or meeting eyes. However, it doesn’t stop me from talking on the phone (thankfully!). Oddly, when I worked in retail, I had no trouble wearing my ‘retail persona’ and being very outgoing and attentive.

If you find your thing is interfering with the life you want to live, then I guess it’s time to address it. Mine is merely annoying so far.

15

Thank you all for the replies.

I guess I sorta posted this in one of those ‘moods’, in which Everything About Me Sucks.

The therapist I saw before declared me a ‘highly sensitive person’, which I immediately wrote off as a load of bunk. I tend to be highly skeptical of anything a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist/etc says, though.

I also had a different psychologist, after talking to me for a grand total for forty minutes, diagnose me as a social phobic and offer to give me anti-anxiety drugs. :smack: There wasn’t enough ‘no, thank you’ in the world for that (for various reasons, some spiritual, I won’t take anything that effects the way my brain works.)

I guess it really is on me to get myself down to the counselling center…ever have one of those things you, on the one hand, really want to do, but on the other hand, would rather stick a rusty spear through your lungs before doing so?

16

Did you try behavioral therapy?

17

I find that when I have something authoritative to talk about or some role to play, I don’t really have a problem. It’s the small talk and casual socialization that gives me difficulty. I used to be a scuba instructor; no problem lecturing in front of a class, answering questions, helping people with gear, directing divemasters, whatever. But the trip on the boat out and back with nothing to do but make small talk–pure bloody hell. Ditto with job interviews; I have a role and I’m Cary Freaking Grant. But you want to shoot the snot about the weather and your favorite sport teams? You’ll have a better time talking to a fire hydrant. Making friends and dating, or partaking in “the social scene,” as you can imagine, is pretty much the pits.

Yes (to the last) and there’s no guarantee that counselling (or at least the counsellor you find) will help, but it’s a step.

And I understand your reservations about the drugs but, while they are no panacea, but they can help you get past the initial burst of anxiety you feel until you gain the confidence and learn the skills to deal with the anxiety. Far be it from me to push them, but bear it in mind in case therapy alone isn’t cutting it.

Stranger

18

NinjaChick, if it helps at all, there have been times I have felt like putting down a very similar post. I’ve thought about going to the on-campus counseling as well (we get something like ten free sessions a year) but never acted on it. I don’t know, maybe it would’ve helped. However, I think that, in general, college will help. I’m still not much of one for partying (in the words of the song, I drink alone), but at least I’m generally far more comfortable interacting with people. I’m mostly judging that by my experience in my summer jobs as a cashier. Personally, I don’t think you’re anxious or socially phobic or whatever. At least not as these people are describing it. You just haven’t spent a lot of time interacting with other people like that, and you get nervous and start worrying when you do try. I’m going to suggest you find some activity, either on campus or off, where you’ll have to spend some time socializing. Just make sure it’s in real life–as fun as online communities like this one and online gaming can be, it’s not really interacting with people. And heck, some people are just more social than others. I know a lot of people who spend all their time talking and hanging out with their roommates, leave their door open all the time, and have lots of people in there all the time. My roommate and I (and we’ve lived together all four years) can go without speaking more than a few sentences to each other all day, never have the door open, and people never hang out and all that is okay by us. I wish I could come up with better advice, but I’ve never been good at that. My one sure word of advice? Never take advice from psych majors (yes, I know they don’t really have those at St. John’s.) Trust me on this one.

:makes a note to drive up to Santa Fe in March: (Kidding.)

19

NinjaChick, you now have the perfect opportunity to work on these issues, because, as you said, you are in a community of people who are, for the most part, supportive and not overly judgmental. (This is harder to find out in the so-called real world.)

It seems to me that you should be able to use the readings to take the focus off yourself, and put it on the ideas. Speak up in seminars and tutorials* on the ideas that most interest or most puzzle you. After class, approach someone who made a good point and compliment him or her about it, or ask a followup question.

I am naturally introverted too, and I found that speaking in seminar increased my self-confidence.

In my seminars there were usually one or two people who very rarely spoke, usually women who seemed shy in general. The thing is, on those rare occasions they did speak, it was usually something very good, far more interesting than what many more frequent contributors said. And one always wished they would speak more often.

In short, you are in a perfect place to work out these things and become more confident among other people and comfortable with yourself. Take advantage of it!

  • NinjaChick and I established in an earlier thread that I am an alumnus of the college she’s attending, although I went to a different campus. (A '84, in case you didn’t remember, NC). Hence my use of these “insider” terms.
20

Here’s what I do.

I stare at posters (those things I have pasted on my walls). It sorta lets me build up some confidence about looking at someone directly. Umm, yeah… I have a Hilary Duff poster. :o

Holding a stare is more difficult. Whenever someone looks at me, I instinctively look away.
Its tough, but I’m currently just forcing myself to look at other people and smile.

Yeah, I always tend to frown, so I’m trying to smile more. Ack…
:mad: → :frowning: → :slight_smile: