I feel like I’m fucked up. Like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I’m different from everyone else and that I don’t fit. I feel ashamed that I’m a 20 year old virgin who’s never really had a real girlfriend. I feel like things are never good enough, that I only fool myself for extended periods of time into being happy. I feel self-pity. I feel like there’s some inseparable part of me that will always make people not like me. I feel like I could never be attractive to girls and when I find out that some girl thinks I am my opinion of her automatically goes down. I wish it didn’t. I feel broken, defective, twisted. I’m scared. I’m scared that my friends will leave me. I’m scared that my friends will stop liking me. I’m scared that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I feel lost, like I don’t know where I’m going or where I could go. I feel like a waste. I’m blessed with so many things. I’m tall, good looking, smart, funny, healthy, in good shape, very well endowed. I have a great family. But I don’t do anything with these things. So many people probably wish for what I’ve always taken for granted but it doesn’t make me feel better about myself. I still feel less. I’ve been changing that but it’s still something I have to change. I feel like there’s a big community of people and I’m an outsider looking in. And that because I’m smart I can fool people into thinking I’m one of them but really I’m not.
I’m always scared that people are getting sick of me; that they don’t want me around but I’m just not picking up on the clues. Maybe it’s because it’s happened before. I tell people that my friends turned into jerks and that’s why I stopped being friends with them. But really, it’s because they stopped liking me. They found me annoying and would talk about me behind my back about it. I didn’t pick up on those clues.
So many things come so easily to me. Music, school for sure, pretty much anything I try to do I can…usually better than a lot of other people too. I’m embarrassed about that. It distances me from people. I also feel I’m too conceited. I think so much of myself.
Now it’s time for the equally negative reflection on my aforementioned feelings. I have so much going for me and I can’t just be thankful of it. I have to be troubled by insignificant things. Plenty of people are virgins at my age and much older because no one will sleep with them. I’m just chicken shit. With everything I have I could get layed in a second but I’m too scared. Some people have NO friends. They can’t worry about being abandoned because there’s no one to abandon them. I’m sure it’s all in my head and it’s so self-centered to worry about it so much when many people don’t have that luxury. Even now, I’m wondering if people will think I’m modest and selfless for writing these things, should someone read this. How can I be sincere when I’m always thinking about what others will think?
I wish I had someone who knew exactly what I was feeling; someone who has been in my exact situation. There’s the rub… Whenever people try to relate I don’t believe they understand. What they went through couldn’t possibly be the same as me. How can I get passed that? Why do I even need other people to talk to? My problems are so insignificant. Your friends DO like you. You WILL meet someone and fall in love and, yes, have sex. But that’s never good enough. I can’t accept it and I don’t know why. I wish I knew why. I’ve tried to get to the bottom of all this for so long now. It seems like years. And every time I think I’ve tackled the last problem, that I’ve finally found the root and cleared away all the mess I find something new. Is this something wired into my brain? …something that I just can’t get over? Maybe everyone feels like this but they just don’t talk about it. That’s a scary thought.
I just don’t get the polar feelings I can have. One day I’ll feel like every problem I have is no big deal and things will come into place eventually. Sometimes I feel like nothing could ever help me.
Why do I feel so different from everyone?! Why do I feel cutoff? Is it because of my childhood? Let’s think about that…
I really was teased a lot in elementary school. It sure sucks having people spit on you. Having people draw on you with permanent marker because it’s funny. It also sucks being too scared to do anything. Too scared that I’ll get in trouble for causing something. I’ve always been afraid of getting in trouble. Not as afraid as I am of my peers though. It sucks having people tell you to go away. Not because you’re being annoying, ‘cause you can’t be annoying if you’re not saying anything. Just because they don’t like you for who you are.
I’ll admit it, I was probably a teacher’s pet. It’s just that adults made me comfortable. I liked to be polite and helpful, that’s what my mom wanted. Have I ever done anything that my mom didn’t want? Sometimes I wonder if some of my problems could come from how controlling she is. Of course she loves me and I love her too. She wants me to be happy and doesn’t think about her self very much. But she controls so much. Like my dad. I also wonder if some of my problems could come from him. I wonder if I respect him. I don’t know. I would be crushed if he ever knew that. But he can’t really stand up to my mom’s steamroller personality. They both love each other to death and want the best for each other but that just means she tells him what she thinks he should do to be happy and he does it. It doesn’t help that she’s often right…. Or maybe it does. Depends on how you look at it.
I remember looking at the ground when passing by my old elementary school peers while in high school. I think that exemplifies my childhood mindset. I’m less and I can’t make eye contact with my betters. Did they beat it out of me with the constant teasing? How they looked down on me for who I was?
I can’t help hating my past… I’m so bitter when people talk about good memories from elementary and high school. It started off well…say grade 1 or 2…then it went downhill. Another up in high school. Finally made some like minded friends… felt like I belonged. But that ended when they stopped liking me. Why did they stop liking me?
So here I am. Second year of university… so much better than high school… I’ve come so far, changed myself inside and out but I’m still not there. I still stay awake at night feeling like shit because I have insecurities that I don’t understand. Another thing… I hate dreaming now. I used to love it. I used to look forward to every night so I could try to lucid dream. Now I just hope I don’t have a dream that brings up all my insecurities.
I feel like I’m fucked up.