inferiority complex?

[kgriffey79]

I just want to throw some stuff out there and see if anybody has any input.
Is it possible to know what our mental problems are? I mean, if they are what is wrong with how we think, can we ourselves identify them?
I am a 17 year old male, senior in a small catholic high school. Everybody thinks of me as some supergenius who wastes all his talent and never applies himself. I went to an even smaller K-8 school (30 kids in a grade). I had some good friends in middle school. Then came high school. I was a strange kid. I didn’t dress right, and wasn’t very good with my hygeine. I wasn’t a mess, I just wasn’t very conscience about such stuff. Things were okay. But then my best friend started to be a dick to me. He is a big basketball star. Played on varsity freshman year and all that. I was miserable, I played video games obsessively. They were like a drug, they let me get away. Sophomore year only got worse. I spent all my time at home. I had no friends. I started to play Everquest. It was my escape. I played all day long. But then, one day, that my best friend, said he was sorry and he wanted to be friends again. I first thought he was being a dick and was bullshitting me. But he wasn’t. It came out of nowhere and I couldn’t believe it. Then came Junior year. I had lots of fun the summer before Junior year. I was out all the time, had lots of friends. I started to dress like a regular human being, got a different hair cut. But things were never perfect of course. Every couple of weeks I would crash. Something would happen that would set me off. I would get extremely depressed. I would write down my thoughts about wanting to kill myself and about how nobody can be happy. That life is just one big dissapointment. That we are miserable beings. Then I would get better, only for it to happen again and again. I started to meet people from other schools in my area. Kids in the public schools. I hung out with them a lot. But it was weird. No matter their age, they always seemed older to me. Well, not necessarily older. But they seemed different. They seemed special. They seemed better than I. It is really hard to articulate. They just had an aura about them. And they all intimadated me. I just can’t see them doing the stuff I do, I seem childish compared to them.
I am a senior now. I still crash in depression sometimes. I will tell myself that I don’t need anyone. That I can live alone. Since freshman year, it has always been a fantasy, to just leave, live alone in the woods with some infinite energy source, and not need anyone. I still hang out with those kids. And I still feel intimidated. I make up reasons, they are public school kids, or this or that. But I don’t know why they seem like they do to me.

I had more to say, and I may add some. I knew what I wanted to say, but I just forgot it. There is a lot more to me than this. I am a very scared person who never wants to grow up and doesnt want to invest anything in anyone, because I know I will be hurt. And I hate being hurt, there is nothign else in the world worse than that.
I was just wondering, why I feel the way I do abotu people I barely know, and what is wrong with me.
(this is poorly written, and very incomplete. I am sorry, i hope to add more to better your understanding of me)

[Firebat023]

This is going to be a long explaination, friend, so you might as well grab a cup of coffee and sit back and get ready to read.

We all have our own problems, the little things that make us depressed, or anger us, or just make us not want to face life. I know a girl who cries whenever something small goes wrong, like burning toast; I know another who cires when she thinks about all the suffering in the world. I myself get depressed when I don’t exercise, then it makes me not want to exercise even more, which is a stupid vicious cycle. But I digress. This isn’t about me.

You sound a lot like I did when I was seventeen. I was smart (graduated 6th in my class); had a good friend that eventually went on to stab me in the back, and, like you, I wasn’t too concerned about hygeine–I was always clean, but I never liked the idea of changing myself for someone else’s idea of beauty. I always struggled with what I knew I wanted to do, and what reality set in front of me. And in an almost bi-weekly cycle, I got fantastically depressed, feeling like I was stuck in a rut–I wanted to kill myself, but I was afraid to. That’s a real shitty feeling, maybe the worst I’ve ever known. And to top it off, like you, I always wanted to buy some land someplace and build a cabin and just live off the land.
I can’t tell you why you feel the way you do; I’m no psychologist. But I can tell you how I got out of my rut, and maybe it’ll help you. I focused my mind on what I really, really wanted from life–in short, I found what I wanted and put everything forth I could to achieve that goal. But I didn’t know how to start, that was the main thing. Starting something is always the hardest step.
What I ended up doing (and this might or might not work for you, I can’t say) was joining the Marines. I guess you could say I wanted to take on the hardest thing I knew and see if I could take it. I was happy to say that I could, but that’s not really the point. I had to set up a small series of goals before I could even enlist–lose weight, study what I knew about the Marines, learn my general orders, and all that happy crap. I’m digressing again, but the point is that you need to find what you want in life–and I mean really WANT–and go after it. If it seems like a far off goal, break it down into smaller targets. Devote your life to it. Make it a religion. (No offense to your own–you understand what I’m saying here.)
When it comes to people, yes, nobody knows how to stab you in the back like a good friend. My best friend slept with my girlfriend when I was at basic training, and I resented them for it for months afterwards. But no matter how shitty people can be, there are always good people out there, no matter what.
The final thing I have to say is a simple, cliche’ aphorism, but it’s a real key thing in life: you are what you believe yourself to be. If all you do is focus on the bad parts of yourself, you’re going to be stuck with them. See those parts, and understand them, but don’t dwell on them. Always keep yourself focused on a goal. It’ll clear things up in your mind, letting you get past all the bullshit that’s cluttered up there in your brain housing group.

What I ended up living for was pride–pride of accomplishment, pride of self-respect. I’d look at something I want, see what I have to do to achieve it, and go after it. And as soon as I got it, I’d set myself up another target, while still living off of the pride of the last goal. That’s always been working for me. I don’t know how you work, but I suggest you try something of that nature.

I hope that helps you.

One last thing: stay off of the easy roads. The easy things in life are what damn you–and it’s human nature to want to take the path of least resistance. (And no, I don’t have a cite for that; it’s my own experience.)

[Mith]

kgriffey79, I disagree with you. I don’t think being hurt is the worst thing in the world. Rather, not being able to FEEL ANYTHING; to be hurt or to be loved, is the worse. I’d rather be sad than not be able to feel at all. sometimes people are afraid to be sad… but being sad only makes happiness all the more happy, no?

Being hurt, feeling sad, feeling scared… these are all emotions. Emotions boiled down are just energy. Nothing to be scared about feeling feelings. It’s what you DO about them is where things can go awry.

You sound as though you feel unlike the other kids you know. Please keep in mind that you are in highschool. Your “world” is rather small now. When you get older, can move away and meet a variety of other types of people, you may not feel so alone. Even if you end up being like no one else you ever meet, there is nothing wrong what that. The most interesting, fascinating people I know are quirky and eccentric.
If you feel that your “crashing” is quite significant in controlling your moods, maybe talk to your parents about seeing a psychiatrist for meds that will stabaolize your moods.

It’s ok not to fit in. It’s ok to not be like the rest. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be scared.