Man! This post brings back some nightmare memories!
Kids have a remarkable resiliency because of their youth and can bounce back from almost anything and even lead something like a dual lifestyle when something goes wrong, hiding their feelings and appearing cheerful.
In high school, including junior high, I was a mess! Being tall and thin and not willing to fight, plus being shy as hell I was picked on from the day I entered seventh grade (where we went from one cozy class all year, to 6 different ones every day) until I graduated. Plus I had a firm set of moral standards, like not picking on weaker kids, not making fun of different people, not agreeing with the ‘rule of the fist’ and I hated sports. (Still do.)
I made it through high school without my folks realizing that there was something wrong with me and I did not confess my ‘cowardliness’ to them because I was ashamed and did not want them to think poorly of me. (Not that they would have.) Because of being ridiculed and picked on, I did not enjoy my school years and never rose to my full potential. It affected my grades, my social abilities, and my perception of people in general. (I’ve had therapy, can you tell?)
I missed the Prom, being terrified of my ‘enemies’ embarrassing and threatening me there, never dated in school because my self image was too low to believe a girl would want me, and being terribly shy, missed Senior Skip Day - where all graduating seniors got the day off at a beach hotel for a big pool party (like skinny me was going to walk around there in a bathing suit while the tough ‘he-men’ were looking for such targets to pick on to impress the chicks with).
I developed a long lasting depression and a nice group of anxieties that have lasted for years and have taken professional therapy to help alleviate.
Conversely, being young, I also had good times during this hell. I was in Scouts and did well, I later became a Scout Master, I was creative, had good times with my friends, my family, laughed a lot, did a lot of reading (the library was my port in the storm and I guess I need to thank the bullies for that because I love to read to this day) and I excelled at my first real job with major responsibilities and went to college.
However, the damage done in school showed up later in my social life, in my work and in how I dealt with people and later by a severe depression. It ruined my self confidence because I was so insecure that I never managed to rise beyond a certain level in my jobs, being afraid and intimidated by bosses, and not being able to get along in certain jobs with certain types of people, like in construction. At one time, I was over confident and that got me into trouble because I over compensated for my inadequacies and felt that I was better than my bosses and wound up getting fired a few times.
Basically, I was convinced in school that because I would not or could not hammer my tormentors into bloody bits, that I was worth little and a Real Man used his fists to settle differences, and since I did not, I was not a Real Man.
I started having anxiety attacks and problems in school and I hid them from my family but my first real bad panic attack happened right after graduation and scared me and my family. It took years to find out what was going on and get a handle on it because, back then, the doctors did not know what a panic attack was.
I’ve avoided class reunions also because of the handful of thugs who tormented me through school and have been in therapy for over 5 years now. It finally reached the point that the suppressed problems and depression could no longer be controlled by me and I started really messing up, screwing up at my job and becoming an alcoholic.
So, today at my late age, I’m in therapy and no longer drink booze and my recollection of my adolescent years is a combination of pleasure and pain with the school time being perceived as 6 years of hell. Had I not been picked on so much and terrified, I probably would have graduated with Honors instead of barely managing to get out of school with a passing grade.
Years later, I was surprised to discover, after some testing, that I actually have a high IQ! In school, thanks to some of the uncaring teachers and the thugs, I figured I was pretty stupid.
I’ve done some remarkable things in my life, but had it not been for being browbeaten most of the time in school, I might have been able to do even more and would not now be living on such a low income and having to have years of therapy to get my head together. I might even have married instead of having a string of broken relationships that were few and far between and I might not have turned into a drunk by using booze to make me feel better about myself and to ease the depression I kept fighting.
Work with your daughter and especially let her know that you do not think poorly of her because she has been picked on. Get her therapy as needed because a depression can smolder in her for years and get real bad later or get real bad now in the blink of an eye. Puberty is hard enough without being picked on in school. A self image is a terrible thing to get kicked out of you and can affect how you grow up.
