School is the first real test of a child’s ability to adapt to society and kids are quick to ostracize someone who doesn’t fit-in. I’m afraid that this is a habit which stays with most of us. I suppose that we are all guilty of it to some extent - even your daughter. My WAG is that joining in condemnation reinforces one’s own feeling of group acceptance.
I sympathize with your problems because I went through the same thing with my daughter. The solution involved professional counseling and placement in a program for gifted children (so she’d feel less out-of-place.) I got her involved in scouting - which I think has done wonders for her ability to make friends. She is still very concerned about wearing the “right” clothes and shoes and I allow her to choose these things. It improves her self-image and make her feel less weird. It may seem silly to me, but it’s obviously very important to my little girl.
Unsurpisingly, I was morose, moody, and elitist. Ok fine, so little has changed…but back in school I kept a pretty low profile. I also wasn’t afraid to talk back to “popular” kids, so they usually left me alone. They also knew better than to push the scrawny little kid with nothing to lose around physically.
So my high school basically sucked. I kept a low profile, and tried to get out of going to school as much as possible. 
This included bogus sick days as well as frequent traveling for some of my activities. An afternoon riding the bus to some debate tournament was an afternoon well spent.
Keeping busy really was the key. I had less time to stew if I had cases to write or an audition to prepare for. I am not sure what I would have done had I not latched on to things I actually liked when I was growing up. I really would have hated myself.
Good luck to you and your daughter, WB. I can only imagine how powerless a caring parent can feel in a situation like this.
Hmmm…I guess they were up and down.
I did get picked on-in 7th grade so much so that I stood up in front of the class and basically told them off-my teacher allowed this, too-I think she was tired of me hiding out in the principal’s office crying after lunch.
After that, it was okay.
In high school, my freshman year, my big smartass mouth got me in trouble with quite a few people, but by tenth grade, I pretty much learned to ignore whatever insults were slung my way-which were few.
The best advice I would say is tell her that she’s not alone.
And if she needs a place to chat, there’s http://www.smileandactnice.com I’m a mod over there. While there ARE a lot of sex forums, and some trollish gimmick posters, we’re a pretty nice bunch, and if you let her know, she can always e-mail me or one of the other mods.
Talk about a flashback! I can identify with parts of everyone’s stories here.
For me, it started in 4th grade and got worse from there. I never really did anything to provoke the bullies, but I got picked on for one thing or another. I remember being sat by one guy who would always ALWAYS steal my pencils and pens and then flat out deny that he stole anything. By 6th grade, it became more subtle. I’d find Art assignments of mine that were on display in the classroom that suddenly would have black marker scribbled all over them. Junior High was the worst, with others litterally taunting and teasing me in gym class. I even once had one kid try to pull down my shorts every day for a week right in front of everybody in gym.
How did I deal with it? I joined a few clubs that weren’t school related. In elementary school up through middle school, I studied Karate (Tang Soo Do). From 5th Grade up until I was 17 I was active in the Boy Scouts. I found that by participating in these activities, I was able to find some self worth and respect. Those were my safe places and I was able to flourish in them.
In 9th grade, things kind of came to a head. There was this one kid in gym class who just really got his underwear in a wad about me. I never did anything to provoke him, but he would just start berating me and yell at me. He did this until one evening I was in the Orchestra/Band room getting ready for our annual spring concert. I played Cello and was preparing to go on (I had my Orchestra Tuxedo on), when and I saw this guy getting ready to perform in Band. He just looked at me for a moment, then said, “Joe, you look good.” After that he never bothered me again. All I can figure on that one was that he finally realized I wasn’t that different from him.
By the time I was a sophomore, I really didn’t get picked on very much… mainly because I had found a circle of friends to hang out with. By my Junior year, it had stopped completely, but I think that’s because Juniors and Seniors are typically more mature. As a result of all this I still have to deal with some self esteem issues. I still have a hard time dealing with conflicts and really hate arguments and confrontations, but I’m working on that.
Why did they do it? I’m not exactly sure. I think it had to do with non-verbal cues I was giving off. I was never one to be very social during those times. It could have been the way I carried myself. I had moved in 3rd grade to a different school and knew nobody. To deal with that, I sort of became a recluse, so it could have been that which the bullies picked up on, but I guess I’ll never really know.
I am happy to say that I was able to live through it. I am now more social (too social according to my wife). I would have to say that of all who tormented me in my youth, I have pretty much forgiven them.
[Personal rant/vent]
Except for one… and that is because he never just picked on me. He was really REALLY cruel to me. So, Ray, if I EVER see your grimy, slime-ridden, asshole face again, I will be civil to you, but I will find out why you did what you did to me, and you will feel like the scumbag you are when I’m finished with you. (Who? Me? Bitter?)
[/Personal rant/vent]
Whew! Sorry about unloading all that on you all, but I sure feel better now.
I had a Prime Enemy that followed me through school, starting as far back as second or third grade. He was a midget – no, not a dwarf, but midget. He was properly proportioned, but tiny. I don’t even know what I did to piss him off, but we encountered each other periodically through high school and the worst part was that he made friends with the Thugs On Campus and was never caught alone.
By 8th grade he came up to my nipples, had the smartest mouth around and was an expert at getting his close following of football players, jocks and assorted other ‘protectors’ to do his fighting for him. By 12th, he hadn’t grown an inch, but he was good looking, the girls seemed to find him fascinating – or he aroused their maternal instincts, and he traveled in a tight click of heavyweights that loved to harass and beat up his enemies.
While he harassed me in school, afterwards, during one of the reunion assemblies, I found out that no one knew what had happened to him nor where he was. This was 20 years later. I don’t go to reunions, having never forgiven my classmates for my torture. I guess in real life, without his cluster of bullies, things turned out to be hard for his diminutive self. I found it also interesting that his many, many high school friends lost track of him.
As a side note, I found that of my many bullies in school, one is on the run from the Cops, and has been for decades, for drug dealing, pimping, theft, and assorted crimes. Another married a lovely girl that surprised me and she divorced my cool later after he beat her repeatedly to a pulp. Another guy is in jail for child molestation, which he took up after his wife got brain damaged in an accident and her personality changed. He divorced her shortly after the accident, while she was still recovering. A real man guy is in jail and probably will remain there for ages because of spouse abuse and lots of criminal things. One thug is a shell of himself, having caught a nasty disease that required him to loose an organ or two. Two more are not unfamiliar with jail, seeming to find it hard to stay out of them, and both have been married and divorced a few times. A few more discovered that they could not make it in business beyond high school and now survive on minimum wage jobs. I guess coworkers and bosses do not respond well to threats and beatings. One, if I recall correctly, was murdered.
Such findings cheer me up.
I, too, went through stages, trying to grab onto an identity that the others liked. It was horrible in middle school; but it got better in high school.
I disappeared from the scene in the seventh grade; I gave up socially, in hopes that I could scoot under the radar for the rest of my school term. The torment died down a touch, but I was still picked on mercilessly. I was about 15 kilos overweight, had long hair, and refused to blend in with the trendy crowd. I had poor hygeine, and lived in a household with only one parent in a low-paying job.
Now, in my sophomore year, life is heaven on earth. I suppose disappearing helped, but now I feel remarkably lonely. It’s as if I’m the only one in my world. People do seem to admire me for some reason, but I cannot, for the life of me, see what is so attractive about the quiet, (now)thin red-haired kid who sits and studies all day. Ladies say ‘hi’ to me, and a few start conversations. It weirds me out to the greatest degree…
Sure, school was hell. The only ones who liked school were not the ones picked on; often, they were the pickers. I was afraid to go to school for a time because of that. Now, I am part of the Yearbook staff, and am a rather vivacious Drama Clubber, but a year ago, I would have not been, out of fear of ostracism at the hands of a merciless social elite.
Tell her it’ll end at some point. There is hope.