Oooh - can I use this opportunity to brag to you (just 'cuz you’ll get it?) In my don rag last semester*, I was told, predictably, that I had to speak up more in class. But my senior seminar tutor (who’s been teaching at the Santa Fe campus since it opened, and a couple years before at Annapolis) said that when I did speak, especially towards the beginning of the year, I made some “astoundingly insightful points”. This man has made people cry in don rags - he once told a student in their oral that they were “a Meno”.
I gotta remember that feeling a bit more…
*The don rag, other than that, went pretty miserably, and I get an extra one this semester because of it…
I have the same problem; for some reason I hate making eye contact. I even had a former manager tell me as much: “Crafter_Man, you should really learn to look people in the eye when talking to them.”
Now, whenever I talk to someone, I have to make a conscience decision to look him or her in the eye.
That’s because you spend more time thinking than the average person who has to be socializing with others all the time. You should be proud of yourself.
I had the exact same problem in high school. I wouldn’t do a report if it meant an oral presentation. I would have rather gotten a bad grade than stand up in class and talk. I overcame the problem when I took a theatre class. One of the first things the teacher (Mr. Walsh) did was make everyone get on stage and say something. Anything. I am forever grateful to him for helping me overcome my terminal shyness, and I’m an arrogant cocky bastard today because of it . I realize you are in college, but maybe look into an introductory theatre class, or maybe a community theatre production. It’s scary as hell at first, but the reward is absolutely worth it.
I’ve got bad news for you: everything affects the way your brain works. If you start using one hand more than the other (or proportionally more than currently), then the actual architecture of your brain will change in response to it. It will take a little while, but it will happen.
If you set up to live in a more stimulating environment, it will physically change the architecture of your brain as compared to living in a less stimulating environment—the greater the stimulation, the greater the number of synaptic connections your brain will create in response.
Indeed, next to death, the greatest amount of neuron loss happens in the first few years of life while all the brain pathways are worked out and the unnecessary ones atrophy and die. This continues to happen throughout your life—though much less so; the fact remains that not wanting to mess with your brain is no reason to not take drugs of any sort.
The difference between a psychoactive medication (if “psychoactive” is the correct word) and your choice of diet as it affects the brain is not a quantum shift from one paradigm (wrong word) to another.
Now, what about aspirin? Does it affect the brain or spinal column—the central nervous system—or peripherial nervous system? Does the difference matter?
It won’t help with all of your problems, but I’d like to second the forensics suggestion. I was an unmitigated disaster when it came to any kind of public speaking, until my friend dragged me to speech & debate in our freshman year of high school. God, what a difference. It helps you to organize your thoughts quickly and coherently, and you’ll learn to deal with being nervous (you’ll never not be nervous about speaking in public, but it doesn’t have to be an impedement to doing a good job). Also, any decent speech coach will break you of the “uh-um” problem real quick.
Boy, does this sound familiar! Extroverts always seem to get away with being with people when they want to and not being with people when they don’t want to… I’m up to here of explaining that I would please like to spend some time alone, thank you, I’ll be fine in a few minutes and come out and talk but right now I need a timeout.
Being in NYC many years ago (I’m too oooooold! Hey it was the year you were born ), I was staying at a Youth Hostel and hooked up with other guests there, mostly foreigners. There were three guys from Australia, and one of them mentioned that he found it hard to initiate contact because he stuttered. He was very surprised and pleased when the Austrian girl, Spanish girl, Mexican girl and two German guys said that actually, we had a lot less trouble understanding him than the other two Aussies, because he was the only one who enunciated.
Cross my heart, we meant it. I’m sure these other people mean it, too. I’ve had times when I was explaining something and I was so nervous I was sure you could hear my voice tremble but I got it from reliable sources that they didn’t notice a thing…
If I send you a hug, will you just use it whenever you need one?
Sorry, boss came in while I was goofing off and I panicked (sp?).
I just wanted to make the point that most everything one does affects one’s brain. I just think that it is smart to take medications when they are appropriate.
I have a suggestion for you. It may not be appropriate, but I think it is worth considering. For these classes of yours, do you have readings in advance? If so, when you do the readings, write down two or three sentances (or whatever is appropriate) that you would like to share with the class. “Yes, its great that the government is putting information online, but what about the people who can’t access it electronically?”
Rewrite the sentences until you are happy with them. Then practice saying them. Talk to your nightstand, your posters, your roommate, yourself in the mirror. Say them until they are not filled with filler words. Then say them in class.
If small talk is one of your weaknesses, you might try the same thing there. “Laura, I love the way that you always look like you are in control of the world” “Heather, I love your multi-colored hair” “Seth is it true that you auditioned for a part in the school play?” Practice saying them until you can do so without the filler words, then say them to people.
Many people (including me, and I’m an introvert perfectly happy being silent) can carry on a whole conversation by themselves if given a little encouragement to start. Also practice sentances like, “and how are your classes?” “and how was your break?” “What are Your plans for summer?”
Don’t worry so much about how you sound like to others, most of us are too concerned about ourselves to notice that you are a freak anyway. And that’s assuming that you are a freak, you probably aren’t.
I wouldn’t worry so much about not looking people in the eye for the moment, provided you’re looking into people’s faces most of the time while you talk to them. During casual conversation, most folks aren’t really going to notice whether you’re actually looking them in the eye or not. Then you can slowly practice making short, intermittent eye contact with people as it feels okay for you.
It sounds to me like you have some of the same issues I had as a teenager. Very quiet, very introverted, very averse to people I didn’t know really well touching me or invading my space, very out of touch on the social scene, very afraid of being teased and harassed about all of the above because it happened so damn often. It got to the point where I was afraid to try anything, because it wasn’t cool or I wouldn’t be able to do it “right” and my classmates would laugh at me and call me a freak.
The thing that helped more than anything else was the day I took a long, hard look in the mirror and realized that quite a lot of the stuff these people had been saying about my physical appearance was just quite simply not true. I wasn’t gorgeous, but I wasn’t repulsive or obese. They were just being assholes. A freak among other freaks is a normal person, but an asshole is just an asshole no matter who you put him with. The thought that anyone who would make fun of me about such superficial stuff was an asshole whose opinions didn’t matter became my mantra. It really helped me start to not worry so much about what other people were going to think or say or do, and eventually gave me the confidence to say, “This is who I am; if you like it, great, and if you don’t, feel free to kiss my ass.”
Now, I’m not saying I woke up one morning and was all better. Far from it. This was a years-long process. But I did snap to one afternoon and make that first little tiny step, and every step after that one was a little easier.
The way you’re describing things sounds a lot like how one of my friends is. She was recently diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder. This may or may not be what’s going on with you. In any case, it’s pretty common from what I understand, and I don’t think there’s anything “wrong” with you at all. I don’t like dealing with people, either.
Doesn’t sound like your preschool teacher helped things any, the coldhearted bitch.
I think most people feel this way to some extent. I can vividly remember being a sophomore in college and being so nervous to talk to a girl I thought was cute that when I finally got up my nerve to do it, my body was shaking all over.
It gets better with practice. Now I stand in front of a class of 100 students every day. It still makes me a little nervous, but I can do it. I still don’t care to answer the phone. Unfortunately, my wife is as introverted as I and doesn’t like to answer either.
My husband and I are both introverts, and we make no apologies for it. We want to stay home and have quiet evenings, and that’s the end of our explanations. It also helps that we’re in our mid-thirties - a lot of what is bugging you now will probably work itself out as you get older, NinjaChick. I get more comfortable with myself every year.
And, as we say in my anxiety disorder self-help group, feel the fear and do it anyway. Nothing gives you confidence like doing things you were afraid to do. Nothing.
I agree with featherlou. Nothing gives you confidence like doing things you were afraid to do.
I was just like you, but in high school. Never liked to look at people, thought I was fat and ugly and everyone hated me. I made a pact with a friend of mine one summer that we were going to try everything we were scared of. We had each other as back up for when we got scared. Worked wonders. I stopped trying to be a perfectionist and learned to embrace my flaws.
I can’t look people in the eye, either. (Ardred notably excepted) I watch people’s mouths, even actors. I never notice eyes, and if I try to watch someone’s eyes while they speak I lose the thread of the conversation completely. It’s not a major flaw, but if you’re constantly looking around instead of at the person it makes people trust you less or think you’re not interested in what they have to say.
. I realize you are in college, but maybe look into an introductory theatre class, or maybe a community theatre production. It’s scary as hell at first, but the reward is absolutely worth it.