We're abandoning the ruined Earth. Explain why your favorite artist should come along.

Cafe Society
#1

Imagine, if you will, that things on Earth have gotten so bad that it’s clear the planet won’t be able to support human life for more than another few years. Fortunately we have the technology to go elsewhere, and a virgin planet ripe for colonization (Earthlike gravity & atmosphere, a variety of climates, and no sentient population, as the natives seem to have all been killed in a boating accident). Sadly, not ALL of us: the fleet of space arks only have enough capacity for ten million people, along with pets, livestock, and various tecchnical necessities. I, of course, control the fleet, having stole it from the United Federation of Planets fair and square.

Priority for getting on the spark, ark is, of course, being given to persons with useful skills (doctors, engineers, etc), along with persons young and fertile, as we’ve got to keep the human race in existence. Technically not all Dopers would qualify, but I ike most of you guys so all Dopers in good standing (plus their families and pets) are awarded berths on the ark if they want them.

Convince me that your favorite novelist, singer, painter, or other such artist should be allowed to come. One to a customer, please. And only folks who are CURRENTLY ALIVE.

#2

Alex Ross has to come along. We’re going to need comics to lighten our mood and plenty of smarty pantses can come up with a good story but we are going to need an awesome drawer/painter.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Ross

#3

Joss Whedon, to document our adventures after leaving Earth That Was.

#4

That bastard murdered Wash. And book. And TARA.

:: pauses to weep ::

Whedon will only be allowed on the ark so I could space him just before leaving orbit, and as I am clearly not going to the virgin planet, he’s probably doomed. Well … I suppose I could lock him in a closet with Ann Coulter or something. But my point is you’ll have to get buy in from your fellow Dopers on Whedon.

Vile scum. (Whedon, not you, Bridget.)

#5

Madonna, because the new world needs children’s books!

#6

I honestly cannot think of a single living artist who we *need *to take along. Maybe we could use the berthing space for my choice for an extra pair of french bulldogs.

#7

Shakira. Her extensive knowledge of xenobotany and software engineering could come in handy in such a situation. Also Anne Hathaway for her mad skills at terraforming.

#8

Fool of a Took!

If either of them had the alleged skills, they wouldn’t need you to argue their case.

Also, who is Shakira?

You seem to be suggesting that Madonna is not awesome as a rock star. That was probably a typo or something, but I’m still going to need you to take that back.

#9

Elvis! :stuck_out_tongue:

OK, Justin Bieber. The instruments used to test the atmosphere may be off. We need a “volunteer” to do a final check before we all disembark.

Still, no?

Can I bring a band, or just a single person? The Rolling Stones, and if I can’t have them all, either Mick Jagger or Keith Richards. Mainly because they make pretty good music, also because they’d be pretty fun to party with.

#10

You’re joking, of course, but Elvis is not dead; he just went home. Anyway, he doesn’t need your help or even mine. And I expect he’ll swing by to get Lisa Marie, so she also may be abandoned without fear.

You’d need the buy-in of your fellow Dopers for Beiber, so there may be trouble. As for the Stones, you’ll need three other Dopers to nominate one each if you want to keep the band intact.

#11

Randall Munroe. We can’t go to space without XKCD. Sorry Tycho and Gabe, but you’re in at #2.

#12

Snooki?

d&r…

#13

Another vote for Whedon.

If he ends up spaced, then Wil Wheaton. He’s a geek, funny (both written and IRL), and he should be rewarded for all the alt.wesleycrusher.die.die.die shit he’s had to deal with by actually being able to boldly go.

#14

Tom Waits.

When we make first contact, we’ll need our spokes-voice to sound as intimidating as the bubbling tar pits of hell. Until then, he’ll be in the ark’s piano bar every Friday and Saturday night.

#15

And Jenny Calendar. And Joyce Summers.

BASTARD!

(Actually, Joss was my first thought on seeing the thread title.)

#16

'Cause he’s Danny Elfman. No explanation is needed.

#17

She’s my favourite (living) singer! I was just kidding.

However, I say we leave Madonna and Cher on the ruined earth because they can survive anything, then we’ll come back and pick them up later. Save their spots on the spaceship for two mortals.

#18

Neil Gaiman. If we go without Gaiman, we might as well just not go.

Robert J. Sawyer. He’s going to take Ray Bradbury’s spot, since Ray is probably not going to withstand the acceleration. We may want to upload Ray into the mainframe though, since that would be deeply satisfying to both Ray and Sawyer. Let’s not let him be the personality of the ship though. I don’t think I want his prolix prose when we’re fighting the Ka’a’ava.