What Can YOU Offer the New World?

OK, I guess this is sort of a game. I was thinking about it on the bus this morning, and slowly worked myself into a weeping depressive state which resulted in the rapid consumption of Low Fat Twinkies.

Let’s say the world is going to hell in a handbasket:


And we all have to send in applications to get on the Great SpaceCoaster to the new planet we’ll be living on.

The final question on the application is:

What can you offer the new world?

As I thought about this on the bus I was sure that I would be rejected, but here’s what I can do:

I’m a very swell cook (I’ve been told)

My gynecologist says I have a mobile uterus, ideal for childbearing

I can build good fires.

I mean, yikes, people. I’m worthless! All of my talents are in unecessary areas, acting, writing, a firm grasp of the history and philosophy of BDSM…

Anthracite would be constructing freaking power plants the minute we landed and I’d be baking bread.

So anyway…what do YOU think would get you on the Spaceship?


Hmmm…I’m not a bad writer. I’ve got a first-rate education in history of world religions and international affairs. I once grew herbs on my windowsill, but they died. I’m a clumsy amateur guitar player…I’m really good at finding hidden gems in used book stores…I can sing? I can sort of build stuff with wood, if my dad helps me.

Yep, pretty fucking useless. At least I’ve got viable ovaries and a “childbearing” body, so I might get included as a “breeder”, a la The Handmaid’s Tale.

nolite bastardes te carbonundrum or whatever.

Hey, nothin’ wrong with being a breeder as long as we get impregnated the ol’ fashioned way… grwwooowwwl!


I know ALL the words to American Pie. And songs by the Pixies.

I make things work. Mostly non-physical things, but lots of skill overlap.

Plus, I’m young, healthy, and quite willing to help increase the population.

Strong as an ox and slightly prettier.
Good at improvising with tools.
Team player. (I’m also not too proud to resort to cannibalism. For me, the mission is everything.)
Experience in:
short-order cooking
computer technology
skydiving (in case the ship doesn’t make it
the last two kilometers of the voyage)
scuba (water landings? maritime farming?)
small-arms weaponry.
I won’t scream like a schoolgirl at the sight of an alien spider (only the ones from Earth).
Pretty good at growing plants and stuff.
Apparently impervious to all kinds of radiation (haven’t been killed yet).
I can cook up pretty mean batches of:
chicken cacciatore
whatever’s left in the pantry.

And I do one helluva Bert Lahr-Cowardly Lion impersonation.

When do we go?

Give me enough time to complete my education, and I can give you an excellent particle physicist, with experience in possible starship propulsion systems (I mean real theories, not material from the source of my handle). I’ve also been told I have an aptitude for logic, as well as making connections (and thus making discoveries) few others come up with. Not only that, but I love taking things apart to see how they work.

I make good grilled cheese sandwiches.
I know over 27 uses for duct tape.
Am I in?

I can play the accordion!


Shove it where?

<kicking dirt> I didn’t wanna go on your ol’ spaceship anyway… :frowning:

I can cook.
I can diaper a baby seven different ways. One handed!
I do windows.
I do backrubs without expecting reciprication.
I listen.

I can make balloon animals. The Dog. The Wiener Dog. The Giraffe.

I’m good in the child-care area. Haven’t lost one yet.

I can whistle.


I can do that finger trick thingy where it looks like you have that one freaky finger the goes through both your hands.

Did I mention the balloon animals?


I can cook.
I can grow veggies and herbs. Some actually live.
I can build a roaring campfire using only wood, Coleman fuel and a half dozen matches.
I can tell just by looking at the moss on the side of a tree that there’s moss on that tree.

I am an excellent candidate for Soylent Green.


Only 27 uses? I’m sure that I could come up with a lot more than that. Plus I’m a decent juggler and I’m great at bughouse.

I play drums…I can cook, sort of. Well, I’ve got a good attitude, anyway.

a long long time ago…I can still remember how that music used to make me…smile. ANd, I knew if I had my chance…
Ummm…let’s see, I make really pretty babies. I too know all the words to American Pie, …I often sing it as a comfort song to my kids. (And a couple songs by 10,00 maniacs). I can make those nifty friendship bracelets by hand. I can quietly play by myself for hours, remembering books I have read. I have infinite patience, so much so, it amazes me, around small children (this one is a fairly new skill, cut me some slack). Um, is being able to read and comprehend at least one book a day considered skill or something to offer? ( heck, my mother used to have me read her trashy Barbaba Cartland novels to find out which ones were good…I didn’t enjoy em but it was SOMETHING new to read…and the library police were after me…)
Other than that…hmmm, I hear I am a decent lay…

Since I have been dubbed (by Fairy Princess Kitty and Lizard respectively) “Official Dark Overlord of Blow Jobs, Sexual Advice, and All Things That Embarass Male Dopers While At Work.” and “Most Knowledgeable About Oral Sex”, can I get a spot in the entertainment industry?

We need entertainment in the new world, right?

Damn we already have a juggler… umm well I know the words to a lot of different songs(since that seems to be a category for salvation. Well at least the new world will have music) including most of the Beatles. I also have an uncanny memory for completely useless trivia. I’ve been told by many that I’m really sweet so if you do have to revert to cannibilism… (Wow am I really desperate enough to go to the new world that I will offer myself up as food?)

Really? Wow! There will always be room in the world for the like of you. You say WITHOUT reciprocation…?

I have a shotgun. cocks shotgun Who wants to try to keep me off?

How about the person standing behind you with a .44 automag? :wink:
Betts, if more people gave backrubs without demanding something in return, it wouldn’t become such a chore.