Man did I have a weird day earlier in the week…
First off I had to deal with my soon-to-be-ex-wife, which is always weird but she decided to amp it up this time. I needed to get some things out of the house and as long as I was going there I got a court order for her to turn over all our financial records for me to copy, with the understanding that I would return them within a few days, she was well aware of this order. So knowing her penchant for the dramatic I call the police and ask for an escort because lord only knows what she’s going to do at any given moment.
I show up at the house at around 10 am as agreed and I meet the police out front. We knock on the door and she tells the police that they can come in, but I can’t. He (the cop) is just as confused as I am at his point, so he goes in to talk to her. After 10 minutes he comes out and tells me we can go in, but she’s locked herself in the bedroom.
We go in and I collect the items I’ve come for and now I need the financial records, so I go into the office and I find three filing cabinets knocked over on their sides and completely empty. I explain to the officer that I have a court order for the financial records and I show him a copy. He decides I shouldn’t confront her and he should talk to her, so for the next 5 minutes I’m standing in the hallway watching a cop try to sweet talk my wife into opening the bedroom door.
“He has a court order for the records”
“I DON’T CARE!”
“Please open the door so we can talk”
“NO!”
He gives up and basically says there’s nothing more he can do, it’s not like he’s gonna break down the door.
So I figure, no problem, I guess we just go back to court and explain to the judge that once again she refuses to comply with a court order.
Well now I’m back at my apartment (2nd floor of a three flat – it comes into play later…), having a beer and watching a ballgame on TV when someone tries to open my front door. So up I jump and I fling open the door to see just what the fuck is going on when I come face to face with three rather large gentlemen. I ask just what they think they’re doing and the leader of the pack looks at me quizzically and says (I swear I’m not making this up) “You ain’t dead!”
“Not that I’m aware of” I reply
“You supposed to be dead”
“Says who?”
“The property manager told us to come over and clean out apartment 2B because the guy was dead”
“You sure she said 2B?”
“Yeah, she said it was unlocked an we was to clean it out”
“You know there’s a guy in 1B right below me, real old, real sick. Could they have meant 1B?”
“We’ll go back to the office and check…”
So now that we have that straightened out I can go back to my beer and my ballgame…
Except that ½ hour later I hear them stomping up and down the stairs and my curiosity gets the best of me so I go out into the hallway to see what’s up. They’re cleaning out the apartment above me, 3B.
“What’s going on” I ask…
“cleanin’ out the apartment, guy died”
“Wait, the guy in 3B died? You sure?”
“Yep”
“The 20 something guy who always has girls over (thin walls in this place)? THAT guy?”
“Yep”
“DAMN!”
Too bad, he was a nice kid. Played his music too loud, had lots of friends over, but he kept it to the weekend so I didn’t complain (like I said thin walls).
Later in the afternoon I’m taking out the garbage and I see the building manager…
“Hey! I heard the guy in 3B died!”
“Yeah”
“Do you know what happened?”
“Nope, his parent called and said he died so we told them we’d move his stuff over to storage at the office so they didn’t have to carry it down the stairs and they could pick it up there”
“Wow, when the guys you sent over said someone died I thought for sure it was the guy in 1B, you know the real old guy…”
“Frank? Yeah, he died early last week”
“What?!”
“Yeah he died last week”
“So the guy below me and the guy above me both died within a week?!”
“Yeah, I guess so…”
This is just too weird; I gotta talk to someone, so I call my little sister who still lives with Mom.
“Hey, you gotta hear this story…”
10 minutes later after we’ve had a good laugh…
“So what’s new with you guys?”
“Mom’s in the hospital”
“Wait, WHAT?! Are you fuckin’ with me?!”
“No, she has fluid in her lungs”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Well you know her, she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it…”
I swear at that point I wouldn’t have blinked if a unicorn walked into the room and started farting rainbows and shitting Krugerrands.