Let’s just say… SWORDplay and FOREplay are two very different words. Especially when scriptwriting.
(yes, yes, I know, one can lead to the other, but when one is in the … Eh, I’m not going to elaborate further. I’ll just embarass myself.) 
An aquaitance of mine is about 70 years old and Jewish. One day I was over at his house helping fix his computer. After an hour of fiddling about, I couldn’t find the source of the problem. I told him I’d look around online and come up with a “final solution.” :smack:
He just laughed and said “oh no, don’t do that.”
Good…lord. If I had said that, I would be so afraid I just wouldn’t be able to move. Even if he joked about it. That’s just…wow. That’s a good one.
For a long time when I was younger, I pronounced “condominium” as “condom.” My family thought it was hilarious so they never corrected me. Those bastards.
The first time I was in France, I confused “dernier” (last) and “derrierre” (ass), although I think I misspelled derierre. Anyway, I used to say “Je suis desole. Ceci mon derrierre” when people asked me for a cigarette. “Sorry, this is my ass.”
Once I worked at a hotel as a front desk clerk. A distraught young couple came in. They’d forgotten what hotel they had reserved. This was the peak of summer in an expensive tourist town, and there were countless hotels. I told them I’d try my best to call all the hotel who’s numbers I had.
I called a few, no luck. Then I called the Ocean Pacific Lodge. I asked the clerk. He must have been new- he spent a long time looking at the reservation records, and he seemed to be a bit lost. Eventually he said “Wait, I know how to tell. This weekend is the woodies on the wharf car show. The hotel is booked up years in advance for this weekend. Just ask if he’s one of them.”
So I looked put down the phone, looked him straight in the eye, and asked him with all seriousness “Do you have a woodie?”
Whoops!
Not exactly a mis-speak… but a few weeks ago, I was teaching from a book called “Gross Body Facts” to one of my older classes (I teach ESL). We were learning about saliva and how our bodies don’t produce as much spit when we sleep because if it did, we would probably choke on it. So I asked my class: “When we are awake, what keeps us from choking on our saliva?” Blank looks. “Um…what do we DO with our saliva?”
Six voices chiming in unison: “Spit or swallow, Teacher?”
My students looked on in puzzlement while I hastily hid behind my book and indulged in a quiet fit of giggles.
When I was a teenager, my younger brother, 8 or 9 at the time, got a very short haircut and my other brother and I told him that he had gotten a buzz job. A short while later he proudly informs our parents that he had gotten a blow job.
A few years ago before I moved to Arizona, I dated a man of Puerto Rican descent. (Damn sexy, too.) He told me that “cohelo suave” meant “take it easy” and that it was a popular saying. After I moved here, I learned that, at least in Mexican dialects, it means “fuck it easy”. I did not learn that the easy, unembarassing way.
I still don’t know if it means take it easy in Puerto Rican or if he was putting me on.
At work a nearby intersection has been renamed Spillmot and Weedway. It used to be known as Wilmot and Speedway, until I had a go at it.
I accidentally mixed up the two once. I was about 12 or 13 at the time, and my friend and I were going to the mall, in the car with her mother and grandmother. We passed by a group of rather ugly condos being built and I said, “Why would anyone want to live in those stupid looking condoms-I mean condos!” Her mother laughed, but I was horribly embarassed to have said that in front of her GRANDMOTHER. (
My worst was while I was in the Navy. I got into the habit, in informal situations of greeting people with the salutation: What’s up? No problems there. Then I bumped into the senior corpsman on the ship, one morning. So I asked him, “What’s up, Doc?”
And turned beet red and apologised just before a world of hurt came down on my head.
In my younger days, I worked with a woman named Cordelia. She was five or ten years older than me. I was having a party one weekend in my apartment and invited her over. When she arrived, she commented on a street sign I had hanging in my bedroom. The street name was my first name. She thought that was a neat idea, and wished she had one with her name to hang over her bed.
Without thinking, I said, “I don’t know of a street called Cordelia, but there’s a town called Cordelia. Next time you drive through, just grab a city limits sign and hang it over the bed. You know, the big sign that says ‘you are now entering Cordelia.’”
I was absolutely aghast. She turned sixteen shades of red, and the whole party busted up laughing.
No, I’m not advocating stealing street signs. I, um, found it! Yeah! That’s the ticket
This reminds me of a gaffe I had with a friend of mine. He was in high school at the time and one of his lifelong friends had committed suicide a day or two before. He was going about his business as usual, which included playing Snood at work. I was watching and at one point he got behind on the playing and was doing the usual to get out and start over, so I agreed with what he was doing, saying, “Yeah, just kill yourself.” :eek: :eek: :smack:
I did the same thing; except I shouted it out load at a carnival’s shooting gallery.
Also, I once asked for a cup of Dr. Pecker at Taco Bell. :smack:
Wow, me too - thought I was the only one!
Can’t recall the name of the comedienne (is that archaic?) who is talking about the wrong thing slipping and says once during Thanksgiving dinner she meant to say “pass the salt mom” and said instead “You ruined my life I hate you” or something to that effect.
This one got emailed to me by a friend…
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
“right now” she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I’ll tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”. The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity
and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing
I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
The thing that stands out in my mind as probably the worst thing I’ve ever said in public…
Several years ago I speedskated (shorttrack) and we had a few skaters who were mentally handicapped and competed in the Special Olympics. After practice a friend asked how I was doing. I said “My feet are numb and I’m walking like a retard.” :smack: One of the Special Olympic kids was about 8 feet away. I don’t know if she heard but I felt like such an ass.
I’ve never used the word “retard” in that context since. I’ve definitely learned to watch what I say.
My manlymanfriend and I were out shopping for his 11 yr old son’s baseball shoes. We were each browsing different racks and I wasn’t sure exactly what type of shoe was required for Little League so I yelled over to him, “DOES HE HAVE TO HAVE CLITS?”
:eek:
:o
OK I cannot resist this one, a group of friends were sailing, and we had to park the boat to go to a restaurant. The best and apparently only appropriate mooring spot was blocked by another boat, but we figured we could slide right between the other boat and the wharf. It would be a tight squeeze, and we’d need to ask the other boat owner if this was OK. So, mustering up his “Sailor Speak”, or at least trying, my friend, and the captain of our boat yelled “Captain, can I come inside you?”
did I mention the wharf, restaurant, and other boats around were all well within earshot? We never let him live that one down…
I wonder what she would make of the name of the breast bar across from the factory I retired from. It’s called the T T Palace. 
At my previous job I designed magazines for a VERY stuffy and conservative organization. We had a 6 page article about a Legislative conference in DC.
There was a problem with the layout and I went to my boss in front of everyone and said “Hey Norma, when you get a chance can I stop by your office and work out the leg spread with you?”
The entire joint went silent. :eek:
Completely stunned I went back to my cubicle and died a silent death. :smack:
I love my new job and a slip-up like that would be hilarious, but equally embarassing.