If you had one parent for whom you could never do right and another for whom you could never do wrong, what are the possible ways that could affect someone?
Vast range of possibilities. It might teach the kid critical thinking at an early age…or it might cause serious psychosis/neurosis/bonkers.
As a child whose parents had vastly different ideas about discipline (it could be summed up as redirection vs. torture), it’s very confusing on many levels.
I grew up somewhat under this. My father was over-lenient, lenient to a fault, too easygoing. My mother was brutal.
Unfortunately, the negative naturally predominates (he let my mom dominate him and override him too easily too) and so it caused fear, a strange sense of confusion, uncertainty as to how parenting works, and for some time, some negative views of women.
I think my mother grew up that way to some extent. Her mother had to work during the depression so my mother was made responsible for the housework and cleaning up after her much younger sister (who was spoiled). Her mother was very strict and demanding. Her father was a doll who I’m sure made no demands on her at all. It was the mother’s influence that ended up being dominant, my mother was herself strict and demanding (although not as bad as her own mother). I think her father’s example and influence helped temper the harshness she got from her mother.
By the way, I got this from the younger sister, after my mother had died. I wish I had understood her better while she was alive.
Spoilers for Hereditary:
You end up with one child dead and the other a host vessel for Paimon, one of the eight Kings of Hell. Hail Paimon!
Because that’s kind of how they set up the two parents: one who cared too much, the other not enough. It’s a metaphor, see?
My wife was the stricter one when the children were small, mainly when it came to personal hygiene, manners and keeping their room clean. I was stricter about school work, dating, and things like curfews. Their mother and I had very different values and I was always worried my kids might revert to being rebellious and get into trouble but as it turned out I could not have asked for better kids, they exceeded my expectations in all areas.
How does a man “un-let” his wife “dominate” him? (not having had that problem I’m curious how that is undone)
Just like in any other relationship – he stands up for himself and his own views regardless of the consequences. Sometimes those consequences are hurt feelings that get fixed over time. Sometimes those consequences are divorce. Whether one ought to do this depends on how much one values the relationship over how much one values ones own views.
My husband and I have that going on - he’s the stern, exacting one and I’m the more lax one. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I don’t have the time and energy to be all over them. Even if I did, I wouldn’t want to.
This has a few effects on them and on my relationship with my husband:
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The kids trust me far more than they trust him. They know if they screw up I won’t flip out, so if there’s a major screwup, I know about it because they tell me first. The flip side is that they tend to orbit me and won’t leave me alone when I need space because I’m their “safe space.” Also, I find myself dreading telling my husband because he will lose his shit.
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My husband feels alienated and rejected. It leads to really contentious discussions like him saying, “I’m just not a father, I have no value in his household,” then me constantly having to reassure him. It’s fucking exhausting, but at least he cares. We’ve been to therapy but he’s results-driven and expects things to work the first time he tries them so quickly slides backward into old patterns. I’m sure I do, too.
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It makes me like him less. I genuinely don’t think he understands this, but it’s hard to be aroused or seek someone out when you’ve had to step in for the nth time during a 30-minute lecture on posture. He doesn’t yell like he used to and he has never ever raised a hand to the kids, but since we started therapy he stopped yelling at the kids and has instead started to use me as the emotional dumping ground for all his annoyances with the kids. So he complains constantly and it’s exhausting. It also makes it really difficult to distinguish when something is actually important because after a while it all sounds the same - both to me and the kids.
I expect some of his expectations are cultural and some are related to childhood abuse. In his family in India, he and his brother were considered an embarrassment to the family and beaten fairly frequently if they did poorly at school. They were called worthless by his parents and grandparents because they didn’t excel the same way their cousins did. They weren’t taught any practical skills because their job was to do well in school, and that was it. Growing up in America with an alcoholic mom who only expected me to have babies and got annoyed when I got “too much education,” I was expected to be self-sufficient but had no expectations when it came to school. I had to motivate myself. But at least I knew my mom loved me unconditionally. That helped.
Anyway, he’s way better than he used to be, but the kids tend to gravitate toward the one that makes them feel good and away from the one who doesn’t, even though they want to make him happy anyway. It’s confusing. And exhausting.
One thing I’ve learned from working in juvenile dependency is that it’s nearly impossible to say with any certainty what effect a parent’s actions will have on their child. Some kids not only survive unimaginable horrors, but thrive; there’s been some interesting research on these extra-resilient kids. Other kids have severe problems with no apparent cause. Sometimes siblings turn out wildly different.
In Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher wrote about existing research on parental love/acceptance and control:
But then she goes on to give a bunch of case studies that partially affirm but partially cast doubt on that simple conclusion, and that seem to suggest that parental love and acceptance is the one thing that’s truly essential, and everything else produces at least somewhat mixed outcomes. Reviving Ophelia - Mary Pipher, PhD - Google Books
But of course you’re asking about when the two parents aren’t aligned, which is a different scenario. I would guess that, if the parents get along and respect their differences, there might even be some strength in the diversity of their approaches. My parents were both very permissive overall, but they worried about different things, and I think seeing their polite disagreements play out helped me become a better judge of what risks I should take. However, I’ve seen a lot of cases in my work where the children are clearly stressed out because their parents are fighting for custody and trash-talking each other’s approach.