My profession? A Horticulturalist.
My Hobby? A Horologist.
'Nuff said.
Off in [thread=7542537]another thread[/thread], homeskillet is talking about the ins and outs of double-entry accrual accounting.
Commentator Brian Johnson, observing Michael Holding facing a delivery from Peter Willey:
The batsman’s Holding, the bowler’s Willey.
I’m the anchor on a competitive co-ed tug-of-war team.
It’s great to hear your entire team yelling in unison
PULL! PULL! PULL!
Or better yet… giving the pre-competition briefing, I’ve reminded my team to “Grab it firmly. Lean way back and pull as soon as the referee drops his pole.”
A conversation I had with my sister once:
Phone rings.
Me: Hello?
Sister: Hey, it’s me. Whatcha doin’?
Me: Oh, boning.
Sister: Pause. What?
For the record, I was inserting cable ties into a corset. Better yet, some people refer to this type of boning as quick’n’dirty. Not to mention cheap.
And the giggles we had in jazz band over the alternate fingerings for sax and the tonguing exercises for all instruments. Man, but the trumpet section was great at flutter tonguing! Which reminds me . . .
As for music, what’s two feet long, black, and something that young women love to wrap their hands around and put in their mouths? The clarinet, of course!
Back when I was a sports editor, I frequently asked my writers if they could give me 12 inches or 13 inches (i.e., column inches, the units that stories are measured in).
I have a trophy that reads: Adult Pleasure Champion. Pleasure is a horseback riding division. It’s usually separtated into juniors (18 and under) and adults (over 18).
As an ornithologist, I have at times seen pairs of Brown Boobies at the beach, Great Tits in the park, and Blue Tits in winter. Once I saw a buffalo with an enormous Oxpecker on him. And then there’s a bird here that is called the Tapaculo, Spanish for “cover your ass.”
At work I frequently write about wetted parts, and vibration tolerance.
I know a woman who describes her job as “taking men’s pants off and measuring things.” She’s a theatrical costume designer. Theatre lighting has a few too- you’re always stripping and nutting cable, and if you can’t get your genie in there, you just have to bounce it.
…in a case heard before a hung jury.
I’m a tester at EA, working on this year’s Madden game. It’s unintentionally hilarious when he says things like, “They really acheived good penetration on that play,” or, “He was looking for a place to go, and all those places were full of guys.”
Vice versa on the names.
Amazing how long since that Settlers of Catan reference, and no-one’s mentioned you-know-who.
It would be remiss not mention Johnners’ other classic observation: “Botham seems to be having a little trouble getting his leg over” which cracked the commentary box up so badly that they were unable to go on coherently for some minutes…
mm
“Yes, he just couldn’t get his leg over” - Botham was out “hit wicket” after falling off-balance and trying to do a straddle-jump over the stumps.
There was once an occasion when the mike went silent at the start of play for an incident unrevealed to the radio audience. They’d been discussing a parents-v-children cricket match at Colin Cowdrey’s son’s school, in which Mrs Penny Cowdrey had played (according to Johnners). In describing her excellent bowling performance, he innocently remarked “Her swingers were quite unplayable”.
Typical Johnners double-entendre so far, and unremarkable. But as the first ball was about to be delivered and the mike went live, Bill Frindall slipped a piece of paper in front of him bearing the supplementary question “Would Penny’s swingers have got bounce on a feather-bed?”.
Collapse of large-nosed ex-Etonian in much disarray. 
I always giggle when Americans ‘root’ for someone.
US. Root=Cheer, support
NZ. Root=Fuck
“I root for the All Blacks” would have you painted as the town slut!
The Gay Waiter: Q/3 (queen with a trey)
“I work for IBM global services as a penetration tester,” he said, cockily.
I work with, among other things, tower construction. It’s more properly referred to as tower erection. They just write themselves folks!
Geez, as an electric guitar player, there are so many that they aren’t even very funny anymore. Equipment manufacturers intentionally give their <huh huh> units double-entendre names. A few (and these are all items that you “plug” your guitar into, so supply your own jokes):
Swollen Pickle by Way Huge Electronics
Aural Exciter by Aphex
**Big Muff ** by Electro-Harmonix
Big Muff Pi by Electro-Harmonic
Super Hard On by Z.Vex
:rolleyes: