Am I the only person other than Hamlet that has seen San… uh, er…ye Film That Cannot Be Named? We did a film series when I was in college, and to be honest, I didn’t dislike Sant…uh…(looking around for Hamlet to come slithering out across the floor like that legless vampire in Lair of the White Worm. Or maybe that other legless vampire in From Dusk Til Dark)…where was I? Oh yes, I didn’t dislike it any more that the other handfull of god-awful French self-aware tweedle beetle puddle battle crap that I endured. What I am saying is, by my estimate, there exist on this planet no fewer than five movies of the power of which Hamlet speaks. I know, because I saw them. Thankfully, for the sake of humanity, I was usually on my second bottle of eight-ball by the time I saw them and have thus eradicated their titles from my mind, hence saving humanity from unleashing a scourge of unmitigated power, not unlike that german soldier who pulled the silver cross off the wall in the Keep, or the guy who chucked the pyramid in the ocean in Dagon. Or the guy who turned off the power in Ghostbusters.
Much has been said about Jeepers Creepers, but I’ll say one more. First of all, does everybody here realize that Jeepers Creepers 2 is coming out in August. God save me.
Anyway, the “behind the scenes” disc starts with the warning that “this feature contains significant spoilers, do not watch until after watching the movie!” . Problem is, when I actually put the movie in (before viewing the behind the scenes features, mind you), the background visuals that were running while you decide if you want to turn this craptastic thing on, shows the kids driving in the car, and then… then the frickin monster holding the kids by the throat! They show the monster! The big money shot, in the frickety frack scene selector, before you turn the movie on! Are they really this f*cking stupid? Yes, yes they are. And so am I for bringing this cinematic equivalent of a leaky coffee can full of mercury into my home. Yet the whole movie thinks it’s so bleeding clever for not being just a monster movie, for making you wonder…is it a car movie? A big scary man? bahhhhh. Crap. This movie sucks.
Certainly Schumacher and Goldsman deserve their share of the blame, but once I noticed (about 10 minutes in) that Clooney couldn’t speak without his head jiggling like a bobble-head doll, the whole show was ruined. And later, when I noticed that some of the other actors had started bobble-heading (is that a verb? It is now! Ha!) when talking to Clooney, that just made me even more cranky.
upon seeing tdc’s post
Damn. Now I can’t just drop it on him unsuspectingly.
Also, with a username like Bjork, I don’t think you’re an impartial judge of DitD. Before you start a thread about the movie, I recommend performing a search, as there was a bit of discussion about it during its theatrical release.
looks down at Hamlet wrapped 'round my ankle
Um. Hello there. You’re the one I’ll be looking up if Movie That Cannot Be Named is truly as shitastic as promised.
I’m always amazed in these discussions that I’m the only one who ever mentions this film. I think it means that I’m the only person who’s ever seen it… which is probably a good thing. You don’t need to see it to know that it’s terrible. Just trust me.
Holy goat! I didn’t realize this thread was 5 pages… and here I was responding to something on the first page. Usually I read the whole thread first, sorry about that…
It’s worse than Dancer in the Dark. It’s worse than Flashdance. It’s worse than The Dark. It’s worse than any movie that ever had the letters D or A or N or C or E or R or I or N or T or H or E or D or A or R or K in them. Or, for that matter, any letter in any language ever written, used, or even thought about, including Ancient Sumerian, Esperanto, and Semaphones.
Think of me more as the Liquid Metal Cop from Terminator III. I am unstoppable in my hatred for this movie. I neither slither, nor feast on blood, but I remain completely impassive as I spread the word about this abdomination.
There are plenty of crappy “god-awful French self-aware tweedle beetle puddle battle crap” movies out there. There are plenty of films made by pretentious jackoffs who masterbate themselves by making self-indulgent, idiotic movies. There are plenty of crappy horror movies. There are plenty of crappy, plotless symbolic movies (of which Prometheous sounds like a great example. There are plenty of crappy films that have no redeeming characters. There are plenty of crappy films that pretend to be dealing with deep, emotional issues, only to fail miserably. There are plenty of crappy movies that celebrate ultraviolence against women. There are plenty of movies that make me wish I had never seen them.
But, to paraphrase Connor McCleod from the Clan McCleod, “There can be only one!” that includes all those faults, and still gets great reviews from supposed film critics. And that horror, that epitome of hell, is Santa Sangre.
Bloodwork - last movie that old craggy Clint Eastwood was in. CRAPTACULAR does not begin to describe it.
I had it figured out in the first five minutes. My boyfriend had it figured out in the first ten (and he never saw the surprise in The Sixth Sense coming. No, really.)
Basically we kept watching it to see how long it waould take dear old Mr. Eastwood to figure this shit out. It was Clint at his most wooden. Even he was wincing in the movie. Absolute dreck.
And Hamlet - man, let it GO. Go to your happy place and forget the Movie That Shall Not Be Named. Seriously.
Not nececelery. What Blockbuster means by “previously viewed” is that the DVD had previously been available to rent from their store. No one actually had to view it.
And, to be honest, Left Behind II: Tribulation Force wasn’t quite as bad a steaming dungheap of Millennial self-righteousness as the first Left Behind movie was. (Although there were parts of it, particularly with regard to the airline pilot’s buddy, that came across like a Chick Tract.)
I was waiting for that. I’ve a few questions for the makers of this movie.
Did you READ the books?! Where in HEAVEN’S name did you interpret MARIUS as Lestat’s maker? Where were the twins, Gabrielle, Louis, Nicki, Armand, Mael, Khayman, and Daniel? Why is David so young? Why are Lestat and Marius so brunette? Why did you choose that actress for the role of Jesse, and why did you allow her hair dye to show on her ears? Where was the integral plotline of Maharet’s blindness and her sister’s muteness? Where was the ORIGIN OF THE VAMPIRES?! How about a little more introduction to the Talamasca–IE WHAT ARE THEY?!
But my happy place is a 3 ft by 5 ft cell with concrete walls and steel bars where the director, producer, every actor, the entire crew, anyone who financed it, and anyone who ever gave this crap movie a good review are packed like sardines. 500 boxes of razors are then dropped on them, followed by 1000 gallons of lemon juice and salt. Then the electrically charged floor is turned on. Finally, they are forced to watch Eraserhead (the second worst movie ever) while having their internal organs made external. THAT is my happy place.
Pardon me? No one has said anything yet about Attack of the Clones? That thing sucked ass. Even the editing was bad, let alone the story, writing, acting, etc.
King Frat–we watched this on VHS a few years ago while visiting my stepsister and her husband in Corpus.The hubby said if we liked Animal House(which we DO),we’d like this.Oh god…this film was AWFUL.So awful I pretended to fall asleep halfway through it so I wouldn’t have to watch the rest of it.It was a really,really BAD Animal House copycat and the height of the movie was a farting competition.Yes…a farting competition.Ugh.:rolleyes: If you EVER see this in a video rental store…run. Kingdom of the Spiders–I think that’s the name of it.It’s got William Shatner in a Texas border town(I think)trying to help residents overcome a massive attack of tarantulas…both common browns and Mexican rose-legs.
IDBB
