Actually, Santa Sangre could have benefited from being never made, or, if upon the completion of the editing process, it was thrust directly into the pits of hell, along with the director, producer, or anyone who had ever taken a breath within 100 miles of the movie. That might have made it a movie that I could just hate with every fiber of my being.
Or, it might have benefited from, rather than it being the horrid putresence that it is, and instead featured Cindy Crawford, Winona Ryder, and Tyra Banks rolling around naked in flavored olive oil and then getting into some serious hardcore loving. Then it might, just maybe, been able to exist on the planet with any right thinking human.
Or, it might have benefited if, when the movie started, all you saw was a blank screen and, rather than a movie, Elizabeth Hurley and Kirsten Dunst jumped out of the screen and proceeded to perform oral sex on me for 100 years. Then, maybe, I might consider just disliking it a little.
Until those things happen, I will forever condemn Santa Sangre as a crime against humanity.
Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai. Basically, what Hamlet’s been saying about Santa Sangre, only, you know, about Ghost Dog. I hate it just as fervently as he does Santa Sangre, and have spewed scads of hyperbolic vitriol about it on other boards. I’m kinda spent when it comes to hating this film, and so it’s good to have someone else take the descriptive load off (thanks Hamlet!).
In closing, I would like to remind everyone that Jim Jarmusch is a pretentious whistlefarting ninny with stupid hair.
Hamlet, please tell us in your own words what Santa Sangre is about, and why it is so bad. From what you say, I’m afraid to look up any information about it lest my brain get infected. Maybe I should just rent it?
[sub]I will now back away and prepare to watch as Hamlet unleashes his powerful vitriol.[/sub]
Well, Frantic, I loved three of your four movies. Guess I will have to see Sphere too.
Billy Jack Part II was pretty bad. “Let’s all go down to the station to see Billy Jack off…” Okay. They really don’t say that in the movie. But they should have so that there would have been something of interest!
If I can save just one soul from seeing this piece of sh** disguised as a movie . . .
Asking me to describe why it is so bad is akin to asking me to describe why is evil so…well, evil. But, given the nigh but endless font of hate I have for this movie, I will harness that hate and try to explain. I’ll use spoiler boxes for anyone out there who hasn’t seen the movie and wish to commit a slow, painful suicide by movie.
IT SUCKED!!
O.K., that was just a joke. Here:
NO, REALLY, IT SUCKED
Maybe I can’t be objective about it. But, I’ll give some quick ideas.
Plot - almost non-existant, but, what is there, is horribly cliche.
IIRC, it starts in an asylum with a nutjob in a tree. Then, guess what, it flashes back to show why he is in the asylum. To absolutely nobody’s surprise, the guy was traumatized as a kid. He watched his mother (an circus performer and armless goddess cultist) throw acid on his father’s (the strongman in the circus) crotch when she saw him canoodling with the tattooed lady. His father than takes a pair of knives and cuts off her arms and then cuts his own throat. Many years later, the guy is purportedly rescued from an insane asylum by, gasp, his mother. Then, I kinda lost the plot, because there are a bunch of serial killings, and Oedipus crap and … sorry, my brain is starting to leak blood. I need a break.
Now, one of the reasons I hate this movie so much is because, unlike other crap films, it had potential. But rather than develop any of that potential, it wallowed in cliches and “surprises” that you could see coming from a mile away. And even saying it had a somewhat coherent plot ignores that, in fact, IT DOESN’T. Scene after scene have nothing to do with the “plot” and are thrown in so the filmmaker and the pretentious critics can say “OOOOOhhhhhh. That’s a stunning visual of a dead elephant being grotesquely cut up and eaten. This is so innovative I’m pissing on myself.”
Visuals - Most critics rave about how the visuals are haunting and stay with you for a long time. Well, I still have a visual from my childhood of an eviserated dog on the side of the road, with another starved dog attempting to devour it’s head. Putting that to celluoid would be unforgettable, but it doesn’t make it beautiful. The film is shot in that cliche and horribly pretentious way that attempts to model itself after Fellini. But it fails miserably, in part because of what it is showing. Scenes with naked-wives being zombies, sadly obese hooker dancing the tango, and ,female wrestlers being impaled by swords are all wastes of celluiod, no matter how pretentiously shot.
Characters - I didn’t give a crap about a single one of the main characters. Hated them all. Which, can work in some films, but here, the only feelings you develop are for the characters that are treated so horribly.
Offensiveness - It revels in violence against women. Women are treated either as manipulatively evil or deserving of the most violent deaths. It revels in the deformed, exploiting them to get a gasp from the audience like an evil carnival barker. And it beats you over the head with obvious symbolism (the main characters name is Fenix and he has a tattoo of a Phoenix on his chest. No, I’m not kidding. They’re that obvious with it.)
Three words to describe this film (without devolving to mere vitrol):
I never would have thought I would say this about a movie in which (as far as I can tell) every one of the numerous bare breasts shown is unenhanced by silicone, but Gangs of New York is the worst movie I have ever paid full price to see.
And keep in mind, I paid full price to see Star Trek Vtwice.
In the words of William Shakespeare, “What a load of arseholes”. GoNY wasn’t even the worst film I saw that week. Don’t bash it just because it had DiCrappio in it; it had a lot going for it.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Jomo Mojo * Who the fuck are you talking about? I am not named for any fucking monkey cartoon.
Oh, you’re right. I was thinking of Mojo Jo-Jo, this guy:
Perhaps you could consider changing your name, this guy has video games named after him.
**Tarkovsky was … yadda-yadda-yadda. **
Even your description of Tarkovsky’s work is sleep-inducing. Sorry, I saw the movie, or part of it. I wanted to like it, but it seriously stank the place up.
First, and stop me if I lose you here: I never mentioned DiCaprio. What’s more, I didn’t “bash” it, I stated that it was the worst film I’ve ever paid full price to see.
Second, I’m glad you enjoyed the film. I didn’t. If this really bothers you, I’d recommend a hobby or something. The only person who has the right to take personally the fact that I didn’t like this movie is Martin Scorsese.
And last, you want to start calling names, haul your ass over to the Pit and do it there. But be advised, starting a Pit thread over something this paltry is liable to get you all the wrong kind of attention.
The movie I’ve always been most regretful of paying full price for was a little gem called Micki + Maude starring Dudley Moore as a bigamist. This allegedly hilarious premise meant that much of the movie consisted of Moore desperately lying to people. This was supposed to be farcically amusing but it left me writhing in sympathetic embarassment.
Just several months ago, I walked out on a movie called Extreme Ops. It is really, really bad. Bad acting, stupid plot and filming that was less quality than your average tv show. It would have been a bad TV show, but as a movie, lame just does not even begin to describe it.
On the bright side, when we left Extreme Ops, we went into another theater that was showing a movie called Santa Sangre. That was awesome! I am a little surprised it did not get the Oscar consideration it deserved though.
I for one am shocked that this movie has not found its way into this thread yet . . . so allow me to call The Big Hit home.
Just a flat out waste of money and time.
The cast is highlighted by “Marky” Mark Walhberg as a stupid, whiny, nice-guy hit man. Then there are his mean spirited crew of “friends” who delight in constantly almost getting him killed.
Hello? Memo to movie makers : I, as a member of the audience, need at least one likable character to root for - to emotionally invest myself in. I hated every single character in this movie. The plot sucked and 30 minutes into this tripe I was rooting for them all to get blown away.
The film was missing lots, but I think the biggest thing was the “S” at the beginning of the third word of the title.
[color=“purple”]Dark City is the worst movie I have ever seen and woe betide anyone who dares to outdo the creative staff behind that steaming pile of shit by creating a movie far more egregious and contrived than Dark City.
The “load of arseholes” referred to was not the Dopers present.