Another favourite theroy of mine is that there are only an finite combination of faces and personality. Everywhere I go, I find people whose looks and personality resemble my friends. It seems that the whole human race is created from the same mould.
Another theroy is that somewhere in this world there will be someone who looks like you, shares the same interest, has the same outlook in life and has more or less the same personality. I have friends who swore that they know the friend of another friend who is like me. I could have told them the same thing too.
And by some strange natural law, you will never get to meet that much fabled ‘twin’ of yours.
I beleive that falling asleep effectively kills you. What wakes up the next day is a completely different, new chain of consciousness, which is imbued with the sum total of memories of all the chains of consciousness that have inhabited your body.
When you go to sleep tonight, you’ll never wake up again.
I refuse to believe that the Internet actually works – or for that matter TV, cell phones, and any number of other technological marvels that just happen to be oh-so-convenient for human lives. It’s just too much of a long-shot that such amazingly convenient things, many originating in old pulp science fiction stories, would be possible for humans to create from raw earth.
The trouble, then, is how to explain the fact that I am now posting this theory on an “Internet” which does not really exist? Similarly, I could use my cell phone to call someone on the other side of the world and share with them my theory that cell phone technology isn’t real. Now, clearly actual communication is occurring in these cases (unless you want to believe in solipsism), so the only alternate explanation is that it’s all done by magic, mind-matter manipulation, or some kind of illusion. I conclude that technology works because we all agree it works, not because there is an underlying “scientific” explanation. Furthermore, anyone who offers such an explanation is not a true human being, but part of the Universal Conspiracy’s security system, which operates to keep the real people in the dark.
This carries over into my next theory, which is that only 20-30% of people are actually people. The rest are illusions created to fool the rest of us into thinking the world is larger and more populated and more complex than it really is. In reality the earth is only about 1/4 the size we’ve been taught in school, and some countries and even entire continents we’ve been taught to believe in do not and have never existed.
My third theory is that my first two theories are completely, 100% wrong, and were intentionally planted in my head to distract me from the REAL Universal Conspiracy, which is infinitely more sinister.
Hey, neat! The thread I was thinking about starting already up and running. Too cool. (BTW, if anyone’s curious, I missed that plane I was procrastinating leaving for ‘cause I’m a freakin’ moron. But I got there anyway…)
Ok, I’ll add another completely unsubstatiated pet theory. I don’t have any conspiracy theories (although I have on occassion been convinced that life was a movie and I’m was just an extra in a car passing through an intersection for one brief scene). Both my brother and I have this irrational belief that the stomach can only absorb a finite amount of calories in one day. So if you’ve really blown your diet, you might as well go whole hog and eat what ever you want for the rest of the day 'cause you’re already past the absorption limit. Despite this wacky belief, we’re both of normal weights because we don’t do it very often. (it might be worth mentioning that we both play a sport that has a weight class so we’re often preoccupied with food and not eating it)
http://plif.andkon.com/archive/wc221.gif
And just what’s wrong with inventions from pulp sf? Do you have something against flying cars, freeze rays, telepathy helmets?
That two causes of the rise in obesity are air conditioning and the microwave.
That keeping your ears clean and disinfected will help keep you from getting colds. Conversely, ears can leak germs into your sinuses.
That the reason drinking seems linked to lower heart disease is because of the disinfectant affect. Mouthwash with alcohol in it will do the same thing.
Umm, it took 4 days for someone to admit this, but… I actually LIVED in Wyoming! And I enjoyed it.
Hear hear!!!
My crackpot contributions:
(1) Women often run colder than men because of differences in, erm, marbling. In other words, men have their body fat more distributed throughout their muscle mass, while the fat of a woman tends to accumulate more at the exterior. This causes poorer circulation at the skin.
(2) Which way a penis hangs is the opposite of the hand the guy did his most high-volume (i.e. teenage) masturbation with.
(3) Sexuality runs along a bipolar distribution, but sexual equipment is pretty much boolean.
(4) (my former sig line): Chivalry was invented by an ass man.
Car makers/designers are in cahoots with smash repairers. I believe this because of bumper bars. Actually, the non-extistance of bumper bars in new cars.
In the past, cars were built with bumper bars which didn’t scratch from small bumps and were strong. I have an 80s Laser and I hit someone and there wasn’t a scratch on my bumper. Most of the new cars built today have fake bumpers which are made of the same material as the rest of the car and are painted the same.
The result of this (fake bumpers) is even a small bump to the car damages the paintwork (which requires a trip to the smash repairers). And a slightly bigger hit requires replacement of that entire section of car rather than just the bumper.
IIRC “He’s in a 56 Ford. We’re in a DeLorean. He’d rip through us like tinfoil!”
This is supposed to be a thread about implausible theories. As far as I know, it’s documented fact that cars contain less metal and more plastic these days. Manufacturers advertise “crumple zones”. While these may keep the passengers safer, they also mean higher repair bills. Due to a car accident down the street (there’s a bar directly off a major street, at an intersection, with a steeply inclined driveway that’s tricky to get out of even when the driver is sober.) I discovered that beneath that plastic outer bumper is styrofoam. ( refused to believe it at first. But, when the thing is the size and shape of a bumper, and bears the stamp TOYOTA, you can’t hide from the truth.
Oh yeah, one more: that people age at different rates, and that to some extent it’s predicatable early on. We feel sorry for the “late bloomers” - kids that don’t hit puberty until their mid-teens, but the ones I knew all seemed to have grandparents and great-grandparents who loved to be 100.
I bow to your greatness and wish to subscribe to your newsletter!
My latest theories:
**1. ** The last thing you eat is what makes you fat. It is because your body is working hard to digest the salad, bread, main course and by the time the Death By Chocolate cake passes your pie hole, your body is a) to tired to digest it b) all the nutrional slots in your body are taken already leaving the fatty part of whatever it is your last food to sit there and congeal into clumps before they migrate to your belly, butt or thighs.
2Lipbalm contains crack or heroin.
3 That what is the hardest to obtain is the most desireable.
I believe that both men and women get PMS, it’s just that men have it all the time, which is why men get in bar fights and start wars and stuff.
I don’t believe the “water car” theory. Why? Lots of cars are made in Japan. Japan has lots of water, but no oil. If water cars could be invented, don’t you think the wily Japanese would invent one, even if the US military-industrial complex was covering it up?
My other theory is that we’ll invent an imortality treatment, but it will involve turning off the genetic effects that stop us from growing. So rather than growing to a particular size, then aging and dying, the only way to live forever is to continue to grow throughout your life, like fish or reptiles. Old people will be really really big, 8 or 9 feet tall, and they’ll kick our asses and dominate the planet until they break an ankle and we young small guys can get them while they are incapacitated. Except just like fish and reptiles, the larger you are the larger the litter size when you give birth. So 200 year old women will be 9 feet tall and give birth the 3-5 babies at a time.
I also believe that human hairlessness (except for the head!), bipedality, sweating, and high water needs are connected in some way.
