What are your weirdest Christmas memories?

Some that come to mind for me:

1- This one isn’t my memory, but it was my father’s. He grew up in a very religious Jehovah’s Witness and, as you probably already know, they don’t celebrate Christmas. He never had a tree or attended a Xmas party while growing up.
He joined the navy as soon as he turned (January 1945- he wanted to join earlier but his family wouldn’t let him) and that Christmas he rec’d shore leave in Japan. There he attended his first Christmas party and rec’d from a friend his first Christmas gift. This was in Nagasaki, so his first Christmas was surrounded with the blasts from the atomic bomb. He never really got into the holiday at all.

2- My Aunt Pearl (my maternal grandmother’s sister) loved her cats a little bit too much. Her husband (who was possibly a midget- I’m not sure of his exact height or what the cut-off is, but he wasn’t over 4 1/2 feet tall) and his son (by a previous marriage) were taxidermists and by her request, they stuffed her favorite cats when they died. They also kept quite a few stuffed squirrels, chipmunks and other animals laying around as decoration.

Pearl was also a seamstress and sometimes made little outfits for said dead cats and rodents. In the 1970s, when she was old and widowed and a bit odder than previously (which was saying something) she hit “batshit crazy Southern Aunt paydirt” when she started sewing “special” robes and outfits for her favorite pieces and arranged them into a Nativity Set. Until you’ve seen the Virgin Mary portrayed by a long dead tabby in a TG&Y fabric bin blue robe and overlooked by a squirrel angel, you ain’t lived. (Diversity appreciative, one of the wise men was her favorite dead black cat, Spooky, because in other Nativity sets she’d seen one of the wise men was always black; the wise men had their gifts strapped to their collars.)
In case you’re wondering, the baby Jesus was played by a plastic storebought creche (a bit out of proportion) rather than a dead kitten.

  1. Adoration of the Jedi

I have several fond memories of when I managed a group home for the retarded, but my favorites are from Christmas. One thing I’ll never forget is the pride the guys took in decorating their house and the fact that they couldn’t care less how gaudy or threadbare things were, it was Christmas.
Most of the decorations had been donated including a Nativity set with several missing pieces. One missing piece was a Wiseman. One year one of the gentlemen, a 40-ish fellow with a wildly split mental age (in some ways he was almost a savant and in others he was doing good to function at the level of a 3 year old), was studying it and asked “weren’t there three wise men?”. I told him there were and he disappeared into his room. When I looked at the Nativity Set later that night he had replaced the missing wise man with a (donated) Obi Wan Kenobi action figure he kept in his room.

  1. Holiday Landmines

I grew up way the hell and gone in the woods of Alabama, 15 miles from the nearest town. One of the problems of living that far out, which you find out constantly in hunting season, is people seem to have a notion that the land out there is unowned public property and therefore it’s fine for hunting without permission or for helping yourself to stones/logs from abandoned old houses and cutting down Christmas trees. For two years the trees we’d groomed all year to use in our house were stolen before we could cut them down.
My mother, never known for a hyperdeveloped sense of ration, decided to fix this problem the next year. Beginning in late November (we didn’t put up a tree until Mid-December) we’d go into the woods and surround the tree we wanted (which was in our woods and far away from anybody else’s property) with broken bottles of glass, bobcat traps, rat traps under leaves, and a few holes just big enough to break the ankles of any tree poachers in order to keep it safe for Christmas. My brothers helped her do the booby trapping while my sister and I had the equally important job of recording what all was put down and where it was placed for when we went back to get it. We never hurt ourselves and we never found trails of blood around the tree leading to an out-of-county car, so apparently nobody was ever hurt by this, but every year I still think about various forms of sabotage we could have pulled or of people with bloody stubs for feet who had learned a little bit about the true meaning of Christmas and private property.

What are some of your weird uns?

Well, I don’t think anyone will ever top the nativity animals!

Most of my Xmas memories are of what spoiled brats my brother and I were, so I’m going to cheat and share a weird New Year’s Eve memory.

My brother and I were around 10 & 8 or so and still pretty jazzed about being able to stay up and watch the ball drop on New Years Eve. At some point my mom mentioned that it was supposed to be good luck to leave a penny in your mailbox on New Years Eve. (I don’t remember if there was a story behind this, or if it was just something she vaguely remembered.) Anyway we decided to do it, and because we had a mailbox built into the house (so that you could put out the mail without going outside) we ran onto the porch in our jammies and put a penny in the mailbox.

Turns out someone else had heard the saying that it’s good luck to put pennies in your mailbox, because about at about 12:10 we were dumbfounded to hear the outside mailbox lid open and close. Wha??!!? My mom tried to tell us it must’ve been the wind, but sure enough, we went out to check and the penny was gone!

Going to the beach on Christmas day! One advantage of spending childhood in the tropics!

The really weird part: being allowed to blow firecrackers on the beach!

Weirder: making a big sand castle and use the firecrackers on it!

Weirdest: with toy soldiers in the sand castle!


-Who wishes camcorders had been cheaper then! :sigh: remembering that, I wish I had continued working with model making and special effects.

Weird -

The Christmas my cousin from Colorado came to visit. She had just gotten a boob job. We were whispering behind her back about it, wondering if she had or not. She caught on and…SHOWED US HER FAKE BOOBS. Thankfully my perverted uncles restrained themselves when she asked if anyone wanted to touch them.

Weirder -

The Christmas (late, after most guests had left) my uncle pulled out a porn video that was making its way around the family. He put it in the VCR and we sat there and watched it. Two women and a dog. I shit you not.
Thankfully, most everyone in the family has mellowed out, gotten married, and has young children now. That cuts down on the X-rated shenanigans substantially. So perhaps there shall never be a “Weirdest” to report on.

Hey, you asked!

My two year old brother picking a glass globe off my grandmother’s Christmas tree and…eating it!

We spent the rest of the day in the hospital.

Sampiro, the phrase “batshit crazy Southern Aunt paydirt” is going directly into heavy rotation in my vocabulary.

I strongly suggest you use this as your “sig line” and reuse it every year around the holidays in rememberance.

My weirdest memory was me acting weird. I was always jelous of how my brother got what he wanted for Christmas, no matter how ridiculous. A BB GUN! They bought the psycho a BB GUN!

Sorry for the digression, so one year I campained and campained for what I wanted. A Monday Night Football game with these cards you put in with the plays and you slid the bars around and then pressed a button and the yardage lite up on the field.

When I opened the box and saw my present from Santa I exclaimed

At least that present was too sturdy for my brother to ‘accidentally’ break like he did with many of my other Christmas gifts.

I had an on-again, off-again relationship with a woman who invited me over to dinner on Christmas Eve. Turned out the other guests were her mother and another guy who she was “friends” with. It also turned out that she was barely on speaking terms with her mom. So, there ended up being two separate conversations at the dinner table: the woman and her male “friend”, and her mother and myself. Quite surreal.