what brand of arabic should I learn?

I began to study arabic three times in the past. I gave up each time pretty early for various reasons. I intend to try once again.
Now, I’m wondering what arabic I should learn. The first time I was taught the egyptian version, the second time the Tunisian dialect, and the first time standard modern arabic.

I’m not sure what I should choose. I would strongly lean toward standart modern arabic, since I understand it’s used in newspapers, books, etc…, and that it’s taught in school, so I assume most people in arabic speaking countries should in theory be able to understand it.

However, I keep being told that standart arabic is of no use for communication purpose on an individual level, and that it won’t be used by arabic native speakers even when speaking with other native speakers from a different place (with a different dialect), let alone with a foreigner, and that they would rather use french or english, depending on the country.
I know I can get by with french/english in most cases in arabic speaking countries, but nevertheless, I would want to be able to communicate in the local language, or at least in somewhat more closely related to the local language. However, does it make more sense to try to communicate in standart arabic in say, Morocco, rather than in french, or will both be considered as much “foreign” by your average moroccan guy? Does it really make no sense to learn standart arabic when you intend to use it only as a communication tool (not for a professionnal purpose), as some people say?
Of course the fact I’d like to be able to read books/papers is important, so is the fact that dialects are used only locally, but I nevertheless would want to have some insight from people who learned arabic/lived in arabic countries to help me making my mind…

I’m not sure what you mean by “standard modern arabic”. The language used in newspapers & broadcasts is classical Arabic, the language used by Mohammed when he received the Koranic verses. (Modern it ain’t.) It is used usually for formal occasions and not everyday conversation. Egyptian Arabic is most widely understood because of Egypt’s proliferation of films and such through the Arab world. But if you plan to visit specific countries you may want to focus on their dialects. A problem with Egyptian Arabic is that is has its own quirks that set it apart, for example the pronunciation of geem and ghayn with a hard G whereas every other dialect pronounces it like a J. And the common greeting “izayik” is used only in Egyptian.

Maybe Lebanese would be a good one, too.

I don’t have much time as I am on the road, so let me make this brief. However, since I seem to be the sole person qualified and informed enough to render an opinion…

Correct, MSA is used most formal media uses, most formal occasions, virtually any religious recitals (with significant exceptions) and in occasions where a speaker wishes to be emphatic or ‘take the high ground’ in a conversation.

However, illiteracy is quite high in most Arab countries and large numbers of Arabs have only a shaky command of MSA.

False, excepting Egypt where Egyptians regularly push dialect into new spheres. Hosni even addresses formal occasions in Misriyah. I was startled the first time I attended such.

If your sole purpose is in fact tourist or mere pleasure…. Well think long and hard because you have to expect a 5 year time investment before you near reasonably useful levels of fluency. If this is a whim, it’s a waste of time, Arabic can not be just picked up if one intends to have any genuinely useful level of knowledge, as opposed to mere party trick. If it’s party trick you want, don’t waste your fucking time.

However, should you desire to go ahead and have some desire to be reasonably at ease in the language in a wide set of circumstances your best option is to learn MSA as in more than decade of experience with the language have noted that generally speaking those who start with dialect have a much harder time picking up MSA and/or highly divergent dialects from the start dialect. MSA gives you a framework which is portable.

Do avoid those schools or professors who pretend to teach “Classical” or who emphasize ‘Classical’ or highly standardized grammatical learning over a utilitarian approach to MSA. If one does not intend (a) to read the Holy Quran for religious purposes or (b) become a religious or classically oriented scholar, such knowledge is utterly useless as few modern writers, Arab writers, master the old grammar.

If you desire to have reading comprehension, start with MSA, find a course of study which focuses on practical modern usage in MSA and do not start dialect until about 1-2 years of study, depending on how you find the language.

In regards to this commentary:

100% Wrong.

Modern Standard Arabic differs grammatically and in lexicon from Classical. Arabs of course maintain that there has been no change but this is factually incorrect. Anyone who has ever had to deal with the different forms, I count myself here, becomes painfully aware that Early Quranic is not the same as early Medieval and early Medieval is not the same as later forms.

Usage especially in the media, where various influence have induced changes in grammartical usage, is indeed “modern” by any ordinary meaning of the word. That is of course why one uses the term Modern Standard Arabic.

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It is used usually for formal occasions and not everyday conversation.
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True, however semi-formal conversation is generally carried on in a register which combines features of MSA and dialect.

True, although this has become thinner with the decline of Egyptian cinema. I note that the 30+ age group’s understanding of Egyptian is far stronger than younger age groups.

Such peculiarities are found in all dialects. Wash fmti Gdier illi knestamlou fil maghreb fadak chii, chii haja halb Izzayik/ek. Ciarene use a hamza in place of Qaf, whereas southern Egyptian uses Gaf and does not use Geem for Jeem. Etc. There is no end to complexity in dialect and one can only hope to master portions, but that’s pretty much true for any language.

Egyptian (Cairene) however, in the end, however ugly I consider it personally, is the most widely understood, although my subjective impression is that Shami dialect (forms found in Syria, Leb-land, Jordan, P-stine) is gaining ground due to Leb TV.

[quote]
However, since I seem to be the sole person qualified and informed enough to render an opinion…

I presume you mean the sole person “presently posting on the Straight Dope Message Boards.” Minor little qualification, there.

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by C K Dexter Haven *

Evidently I should be grateful for your heading off the possible misunderstanding that someone of an exceedingly dim persuasion might think I was claiming to be the sole Arabic & other language speaker on the planet.