It’s obvious that Bush has a bee in his bonnet (and a flea in his ear) about going to war. But I think this Iraq deal is a bad idea—besides, it’s been done. Bush should start thinking outside the box. What country do you think we should go to war with? I have a few ideas:
• Monaco. They killed Grace Kelly, they’re pretty much wussies, and we’d all get to take really cool vacations if we owned Monaco.
• Switzerland. We could whup 'em with one hand behind our back—and we’d get to take home all those great chocolates and cuckoo clocks.
Well, Canada would be convenient, and the people seem really nice, so it would be a blast to invade. But I’d suggest to delay until next spring, since it can get a bit nippy up there.
Maybe there’s a nice island somewhere, similar to Grenada, that has some friendly medical students that need rescuing. Maybe Turks and Caicos?
Belize - They got it coming to them for all that rhetoric that they spit out against the US. Oh, wait, maybe that’s not quite right. But it’s an easy victory.
France - They think the’re a superpower but the’re not. Only country in the world that rivals our arrogance. We want to be the clear #1.
Myanmar…used to be a fun place when it was Burma.
Lichtenstein…it would make map makers happy to get rid of it. It is very difficult when the name of the country is larger than the country.
I hear Bush wants to go to Irkusk. He noticed that every time he and Colin and Dick play Risk, it seems to be the easiest country to take over.
[apotheosis sits alone in a darkened, smoke-filled room, stroking a Persian cat and slowly spinning the deluxe-size world globe on the huge oak meeting table]
Belgium. Ever since I found out the whole waffle thing was a lie – a damn dirty lie, I tell you! – I’ve wanted to step on them like one of those puffy dusty fungus balls.
These:
Afghanistan
Albania
Algeria
American Samoa
Andorra
Angola
Anguilla
Antarctica
Antigua and Barbuda
Arctic Ocean
Argentina
Armenia
Aruba
Ashmore and Cartier Islands
Australia
Austria
Azerbaijan
Bahamas, The
Bahrain
Baker Island
Bangladesh
Barbados
Bassas da India
Belarus
Belgium
Belize
Benin
Bermuda
Bhutan
Bolivia
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Botswana
Bouvet Island
Brazil
British Indian Ocean Territory
British Virgin Islands
Brunei
Bulgaria
Burkina Faso
Burma
Burundi
Cambodia
Cameroon
Canada
Cape Verde
Cayman Islands
Central African Republic
Chad
Chile
China
Christmas Island
Clipperton Island
Cocos (Keeling) Islands
Colombia
Comoros
Congo, Democratic Republic of the
Congo, Republic of the
Cook Islands
Coral Sea Islands
Costa Rica
Cote d’Ivoire
Croatia
Cuba
Cyprus
Czech Republic
Denmark
Djibouti
Dominica
Dominican Republic
Ecuador
Egypt
El Salvador
Equatorial Guinea
Eritrea
Estonia
Ethiopia
Europa Island
Falkland Islands (Islas Malvinas)
Faroe Islands
Fiji
Finland
France
French Guiana
French Polynesia
French Southern and Antarctic Lands
Gabon
Gambia, The
Gaza Strip
Georgia
Germany
Ghana
Gibraltar
Glorioso Islands
Greece
Greenland
Grenada
Guadeloupe
Guam
Guatemala
Guernsey
Guinea
Guinea-Bissau
Guyana
Haiti
Heard Island and McDonald Islands
Holy See
Honduras
Hong Kong
Howland Island
Hungary
Iceland
India
Indonesia
Iran
Iraq
Ireland
Israel
Italy
Jamaica
Jan Mayen
Japan
Jarvis Island
Jersey
Johnston Atoll
Jordan
Juan de Nova Island
Kazakhstan
Kenya
Kingman Reef
Kiribati
Korea, North
Korea, South
Kuwait
Kyrgyzstan
Laos
Latvia
Lebanon
Lesotho
Liberia
Libya
Liechtenstein
Lithuania
Luxembourg
Macau
Macedonia, The Former Yugoslav Republic of
Madagascar
Malawi
Malaysia
Maldives
Mali
Malta
Man, Isle of
Marshall Islands
Martinique
Mauritania
Mauritius
Mayotte
Mexico
Micronesia, Federated States of
Midway Islands
Moldova
Monaco
Mongolia
Montserrat
Morocco
Mozambique
Namibia
Nauru
Navassa Island
Nepal
Netherlands
Netherlands Antilles
New Caledonia
New Zealand
Nicaragua
Niger
Nigeria
Niue
Norfolk Island
Northern Mariana Islands
Norway
Oman
Pakistan
Palau
Palmyra Atoll
Panama
Papua New Guinea
Paracel Islands
Paraguay
Peru
Philippines
Pitcairn Islands
Poland
Portugal
Puerto Rico
Qatar
Reunion
Romania
Russia
Rwanda
Saint Helena
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Saint Lucia
Saint Pierre and Miquelon
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
Samoa
San Marino
Sao Tome and Principe
Saudi Arabia
Senegal
Seychelles
Sierra Leone
Singapore
Slovakia
Slovenia
Solomon Islands
Somalia
South Africa
South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands
Spain
Spratly Islands
Sri Lanka
Sudan
Suriname
Svalbard
Swaziland
Sweden
Switzerland
Syria
Taiwan
Tajikistan
Tanzania
Thailand
Togo
Tokelau
Tonga
Trinidad and Tobago
Tromelin Island
Tunisia
Turkey
Turkmenistan
Turks and Caicos Islands
Tuvalu
Uganda
Ukraine
United Arab Emirates
United Kingdom
Uruguay
Uzbekistan
Vanuatu
Venezuela
Vietnam
Virgin Islands
Wake Island
Wallis and Futuna
West Bank
Western Sahara
Yemen
Yugoslavia
Zambia
Zimbabwe